Butterfly Effect

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I want to share with you a little bit about my journey, my thought process, and how I am arriving at some of my beliefs. About a year ago I asked God to show me the truth, set me free, and send me the people and the resources I needed to become the person he created me to be.
It started with Dr.Shefali Tsabary and, by the way, there is never an end to Conscious awareness and life. If you are not actively reading, journaling and transforming than I’m very sorry to be the bearer of bad news but you are not living to the fullest potential God has for you. He is at the door knocking and waiting for you to answer the call. Back to Dr.Shefali, she wrote the books Conscious Parent, The Awakened Family and Out of Control. I have read The Conscious Parent and it is revolutionary. This brilliant woman teaches with ease the beauty in parenting that I was absolutely ignorant to. I first saw her on Super Soul Sunday with Oprah. If you are at all interested in becoming the person God birthed you to be, a few things need to happen. First, seek the lord with all your heart, soul, and might. Second, Get OWN channel (Oprah, Super Soul Sunday). Third, seek out Dr.Shefali. There is a fourth but I will save this for next time. I would highly recommend Dr. Tsabary’s online course, I have been introduced to the idea that our children come to us to raise us, not the other way around, and to help us to evolve. Dr. Shefali ( I am paraphrasing here) says that when we surrender to our outer form which is really our inner child and ego we can then parent from our hearts. She says we choose our parents in order to work out our soul’s purpose. I can tell you that this concept resonates in my being like nothing else I have ever read. It goes very deep into childhood and exposes the ego and how a child behaves and why. She teaches that the moment we want to blame we must look in the mirror. It starts with ourselves. There are patterns in our lives and this is key to figuring out what triggers us since patterns repeat until they are dealt with. Experiences are co-created with our soul inspired by our precious children. Breaking through and transforming to your highest creative life potential is what the journey is truly about. I highly recommend everyone either taking her course or reading all of her books. www.drshefali.com. I am in the middle of a two level course. We are only on week two and it almost feels like a dream. Going back through my life and literally UNLEARNING all the garbage I was fed as a child my entire life.  I am excited to share what I learn and hope you too will feel my enthusiasm and comment below. Here is the bottom line. I prayed for truth, to be set free, and for God to bring me all the people and resources I need to be who he created me to be and this is what I received.
Ok so, today I was listening to a lecturer talk about the butterfly effect. In case you are not familiar with the actual definition, I decided to Google it. The butterfly effect is the sensitive dependence on initial conditions in which a small change in one state of a deterministic nonlinear system can result in a large difference in a later state. In other words, it is the influence exerted on a dynamic system by a small change in conditions. So the butterflies in South America can actually affect weather patterns in the North Pole? And this is science? Yes…and proven science at that. This concept was mind blowing for me. A little butterfly can affect the world one flap at a time.
Readers, I am coming to you today with a heart of love. I want you to see so desperately how powerful you are as a body of people. You can make a difference. We were not created to live alone and I believe we are all a part of the body of Christ which actually means we literally are all one. This is my core belief. What I do to myself I do to you. When I self-hate talk to me, I self-hate talk to you. When I love me, I love you and when I love you, I love me. We can’t pick and choose what part we want to keep and what part we want to discard. We are all one period. Do you want to stop evil and terrorism? Then love your freaking neighbor and yourself. Stop blaming terrorists and look within your own heart. This is not a selfish act of loving yourself. It is doing the work you need to do to see the truth about whom you really are and who God really is. It is laying your life down for the people around you and helping set them free. Set them free from themselves, from the enemy, or from the shadows or from whatever you might call it. I don’t care. It is not important. What is important is that love is the basis of all healing.
Some of you are asking right now, ok, Melissa, what about the man who raped me or about my father who abused me or about my mother who abandoned me. I say this. Live for today in the present moment. Stop living in the past and dwelling on what cannot be changed. I have spent the greater part of my life dwelling and it has given me what I have given myself a very sick soul and physical body. God is using those circumstances to transform you into him but you have to consciously decide you want to be free of your own thoughts. What is pain really? We put so much weight into good and bad. Why is pain equated to suffering? My goodness if we didn’t have suffering we would be living like cavemen still. Honestly, we may not look like cavemen but that is exactly where are hearts would be. Selfish and wanting everyone else to change. If you want your relationships to change it comes from you. It comes from the living God inside of you. Did Jesus suffer? I would say yes!!!! Dr.Shelfali would say that your parents didn’t really know the truth. That they believed all the lies their parents told them and they taught you fear and anxiety, not acceptance and love. Unless you had Jesus as your actual parent, we were all failed. Our parents did not intentionally abuse or neglect us. Just like you don’t intentionally abuse and neglect your relationships. It’s all a part of the process needed for you to see the truth. We are all really perfect inside when we are born and we have to get back to that state. That is truly what life is about. It’s about finding the love that we came here with. Unlearning all the stuff we plastered onto ourselves to survive in a very fallen world and environment.
You have a choice to forgive and be set free or live in fear, anxiety, and misery. You have a choice. You’re not a victim. Some of us chose to be victims and to make our story true. End the novel of misery and abandonment of self. Start a new book which is one of love, joy, and forgiveness. Don’t live another moment giving yourself away. It’s not you. It never was you. You by nature are Christ like. Babies come here perfect. We screw them up by putting layers of manmade materials on them until we no longer see them. We as parents don’t really think about parenting our kids. We just parent like our parents parented and expect them not to be jacked up like us.

I am going to share a piece of me. This piece is no longer mine and I’m happy to let go of it so here goes. Eight years ago I gave birth to a beautiful 8 lbs 11 oz baby boy. I was determined to control him and he was going to sleep through the night by 2 months because all the other “perfect” moms around me had their kids sleeping and I wanted to be perfect like them. By the way, I never knew that I was trying to control him. The underlying point to this is that we parents think we are doing what society tells us we should be doing. Standards are set for us by the masses. I fell into this trap and although I am happy now, it happened as it helped mold me. I am sorry that I forced my baby into feeling my anxiety and fear. So, I followed a method called baby wise. It seemed humane and reasonable, so I followed it to a tee. I’m going to make a very long story short. It didn’t work for us. I literally know at least 10 moms it worked for in my circle. My obsession with controlling my environment and him was an epic fail. When I tell you this child did not sleep longer than 2 hours at a time and screamed in between for a minimum of 45 min to 2 hrs only to fall asleep for 2 hours and repeat, I am not exaggerating. The local Dunkin Donuts knew me as the little lady who drove her screaming infant around hoping he would fall asleep. I was exhausted to the point of depression. I believed the lie that I was a failure and I couldn’t do anything right. It was a lie someone told me growing up on a daily basis, so I believed it. Do you see where I am going here? I will never forget the day that I harshly sat him down on the couch when he was about 1 year old in the middle of the night and screamed at him, “What do you want? What is wrong with you? I can’t take another night.” It obviously didn’t help and he didn’t sleep through the night for another 2 years. He ended up with heavy metal poison physically, but that’s not what happened on a soul level. This is what I want you to see about your kids, your loved ones, and your not so loved ones. They will manifest what you need them to be in order to help you evolve into who God designed you to be. Let me explain. Camden was acting out the way I felt on the inside. My eldest child was 12 and living in New York City with his father and I felt abandoned and scared. My husband’s business was on the verge of bankruptcy and I had just battled breast cancer. Are you kidding me? I was a living ball of Hell. I was scared but wouldn’t admit it and I lived in that state for years. If you would have asked me, I would have denied it because I used to lie to myself all the time. So this precious baby came to me willing to suffer so I could move past my fear and past my desire to control him. He felt my energy of fear and at night he let it out, screaming for hours on end. Children come here connected especially to their mom. My hurricane became his hurricane of epic proportion. These precious children take on your vibration, your energy and make it their own. This is how they communicate. Remember science says children don’t even know until about 6 months that they are not you. In other words, they are clueless that they are their own individual person and not their environment. Camden was angry, stubborn, and miserable and so was I. I was failing at it all. My kids, my husband and even my body was a failure. He was interrupting my soul. He was mimicking my soul’s cry for help. He was screaming at night for me. All I can say readers is, “awaken”. See the truth. God sends your miracles every day, you just have to open them up. Listen to your heart. Pray, meditate, and ask the lord to show you the truth. Don’t take my advice. Ask the Lord of the universe to show you truth and open your soul to the power God has for you today. Every day is a miracle.

Open the door

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I wrote a few weeks about my life patterns. How I chose a specific journey to keep my story true. The story with all the lies interconnected to my sub-conscious. The drinking pretty much always ended up with a familiar story. I would call my sister at 2 am and end up crying. Very simple. She would talk me off the cliff of my misery. I would pass out, wake up the next day and repeat. I had a season of life where drinking was an everyday part of who I was and I was totally ok with that scenario. I can tell you that my sister Jilene prayed for me. Jilene prayed audacious prayers while I wondered through the wilderness and spiraled thru the years. I have the lord to thank for her unwillingness to give up on me. She never left me. She later told me when she would get off the phone, she would sob and pray. Telling the enemy he could not have me. I said before the detail about who, how and why don’t actually matter and because it would hurt people in my life I have chosen to leave names and specific situations out. Because the point of this blog is for me to share what I have learned and overcome not expose other people’s stories and truth is we all attracted what we need to move forward in our story. See, you have a choice. Albeit a hard one, you can chose life or death. It’s up to you. Typically, some catastrophe has to take place to jolt ones awareness into consciousness. For me divorce was not enough. Although it did take a enormous chip off the exterior. 6 years after the divorce I was diagnosed with Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. I was 32 years old and this was not supposed to happen to me. So I believed it not to be a positive experience. I remember the night the doctor called and crying myself to sleep. The feeling of complete and utter devastation and my body, myself causing me so much pain. I had many other times of pain but never had I had myself to blame and oh did I blame……ME. Yeah, cancer did it for me. On top of a new marriage followed by a new business and a preteen child. Need I say more? People always ask me the same question? Oh, my gosh Melissa, where you not scared???? The long and short of that question is yes, I was scared but I didn’t live there. See my mother up till that point had breast cancer in the same breast 3X. I remember watching Oprah and she interviewed an author who wrote about eastern countries that had extremely low cancer percentage in their countries and I was like oh than all we have to do is eat right. Bought 4 of those books gave them to my sisters and mom and well……I solved our problems of getting cancer. Problem is……. Eating is not the only reason why I got cancer. It is interconnected however and I eventually teach my readers the art of balancing your life. Cancer is actually a sick soul. You can’t live in the unconscious and be healthy I’m sorry friends but it just works that way. I am not saying your are going to attract heart disease, cancer, diabetes and the such but I am saying if you don’t live consciously you will use the wrong tools in your belt to deal with who you are. I’m talking about stuffing your soul with garbage. There is not one person alive who doesn’t do this and people are walking around blind and God wants to set you free. This is part of why he put you on earth. Work through your stuff and help others. That is it!!! Problem is we get stuck in our story of lies and we believe the lie. The food, drinks, gossip, lies, jealousy, drugs, dependency, shopping, dying marriage, rebellious children, worry, anxiety, whatever we do to stuff the pain and avoid the work of evolving. Some people like me have to have attracted cancer to breakthrough. I have a confession however, life got harder after cancer and although I was aware that my soul was sick and I even knew why I attracted cancer I didn’t know how to heal. I mean I thought I was healing and eating and my connection with the God was pretty solid. So why after 10 years and 7 months later did a biopsy reveal I had pre cancer cells? Are you kidding me, I was actually mad. That news threw me a biggest curve ball, I remember me and my husband celebrating the 10 year anniversary and me think yup, I kicked your butt cancer. So proud and almost invincible I thought I had figured how to stay disease free. Truth is I had a door in front of me. Would I insert the key or abandon myself once again? Awwwwww, this time was different a sort of unbridled adventure and I knew it was such a time as this that I was called. Called to open the door God set before me and live freely without fear. We have choice in life and its either a live of fear or the life of love as my friend laurie says. There is not in-between there in only the reckoning of our souls.

My Soul’s Garden

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The Garden of your soul

Have you ever maintained a garden? If you have you would be very aware of the hard work that is involved. Why am I talking about gardens? I’m talking about gardens because today as I was sitting still, I saw myself pulling weeds. My hands were dirty and cut up and they even hurt. The sun was shining over me and I could feel the sweat on my brow. My knees where callused as well. Yet there I was in my garden and in an alternate world. I was in my soul. What I experienced at that moment was the feeling in my heart of how hard it is to work on your soul. It’s so hard and painful that sometimes it would be easier to just quit and go back to being my old self. Except this time around for me, I know better. I have not always known better. I can’t tell you how many times I was on the right track in the right garden and I quit, I flaked out. I went back to my old self. Please if you’re reading this and you recognized yourself, don’t have fear. There is a way out and it’s through the trenches of your garden. Ask any farmer or gardener if they would reap a crop if they had allowed the weeds to overtake it. We all know the answer to the soul’s dilemma and, though not the most easy of choices, it is the correct one. Do I till up the ground and prepare my heart? Do I plant and sow a crop in my soul that has virtue and honor? Do I water the garden and quench a thirst for more truth and knowledge? Do I fertilize with teachings and righteous fellowship? The questions are almost endless when it comes to your soul. The obvious answer to each and every question is yes. Do the work and you will find the most raw, transparent truth you will ever discover. This is brilliant and true and you can count on it every time. Take one step forward each day and ask the Lord to show you truth. Be prepared though because truth can come as a shock to those who bury their heads in the everydayness of life. Truth can come in various forms but please do yourself a favor and seek the face of the one who created you and he shall give you the most conscious, creative, blissful, adventure you can possibly imagine.

Lies from within

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Take a few breaths and choose love! Abandon your fears and answer the call!

Take a chance on you. Leap into the light and face your fears. Embrace your journey and trust the truth inside. Trust, and be conscious, bold, fearless, and shameless. It’s ok Melissa to be you. You are good enough.

I have a very special cousin who came to visit this Spring. He lives out of town and therefore we don’t get to spend a lot of time together. He is a lot younger than me and still single which has allowed him to live out his amazing adventure with beautiful unbridled courage. He has spent this last year finding his soul and isn’t afraid to tell his story in order to inspire people to find their truth. One night while he was in town, we talked half the night and he left me with a question. He talked about a lot of “soul” stuff. He talked about Joseph Campbell, who studied mythology and how it relates to life. My cousin said to me, “The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek”. He then asked me, “What are you afraid of and what is in your cave?”

Wow, ahhh…… ok… It took me days to really know what the answer was. However, truth be told I think I knew immediately, but was too embarrassed to answer him and was much more accustomed to giving the response that I actually gave him, “Hmm, I don’t know.”

Let me be honest here because it took about 2 weeks of soul searching and courage to make this promise to myself. From that day forward I promised myself that I will not tell myself any more half-truths or blind myself with deception. I also asked God to please set me free from myself.

Drum roll please. What is in my cave is something very deep. It has many strings attached and many emotions involved. It has caused me soooo much bondage and fear. I refused to live in that fear another moment. MY FEAR WAS TELLING THE TRUTH TO THE PEOPLE I LOVE THE MOST AND TO MYSELF. Please let me clarify the type of lies about which I speak. I’m sure you all know the lies I am talking about. I lied because I was putting their happiness in front of my soul needs. I lied because I did not want to confront the truth. I lied because God forbid I tell the truth about how I really feel. The people I love may abandon me if they know my truth. I lied because I was lazy and exhausted emotionally from the internal struggle. I lied because it enabled me to stay stuck in my own self misery. I lied because it stopped me from launching into my destiny and saved me from a lot of work. I lied because it is who I had become.

Honestly, even at this moment I don’t want to send this out for the world to see. I don’t want to tell the truth about who I really am and who I have become. I am afraid and embarrassed.

The truth is that I learned to lie very early on in life because it made me into something I was not or at least I began to believe it did because the real me was not good enough. A child will start to believe the criticism when they hear it over and over again to the point where eventually they become it. Parents, be careful what you tell your child they are or are not. You have a lot more power than you know. You can use this power wisely or dangerously. You can only be picked over so many times before you believe that you are not good enough for anyone. Remember that saying your mother taught you? “Actions speak louder than words.” Well, let’s just say I understand this concept very well. So, I did the only thing I knew to do. I became what I thought everyone wanted me to be including what I thought I wanted me to be. I believed the lies of Mrs. Wolf, my 6th grade teacher, when she said that I would never be more than an average C student. That is a whole other topic that I will write about later. I believed that I was inadequate and did not do anything right and that I was inferior. So, as I grew up, I lied to make myself feel ok and accepted. I learned very quickly that I could become whoever everyone wanted me to be. The problem is that we all know lying is dark and ugly and it comes with a cost. I don’t know if I ever knew exactly why I did some of the things I did in the past until just now……like why I pounded alcohol. I got drunk the first time at the age of 12 and I mean hammered not just a little tipsy. See drinking for me set me free from the lies. I could actually be me. I did not have to do all the work of keeping up with the fake Melissa. She was out and free and alive. Except that this unclaimed reality ended around 2a.m. It always rolled around and I was always left with myself again and the harsh reality that I was still afraid and alone.

Laying the foundation

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I am pretty sure it all started as a young child with divorced parents. Details do not matter because we all have “stuff” we must overcome. The sad part of reality is that you don’t even know your losing yourself while it is happening. It Is so gradual. One day your picking daisy’s for your mommy and the next thing you know your drinking yourself into la la land or whatever it “is” that you do to mask the pain. What I am working toward in this blog is simple. You must work at chipping away at the exterior of who you think you are and get to the real child inside. Children are beaming with energy and light and so are you, you just do not know it yet. They know more than we realize or give them credit for. It is in this time of a child’s life that we seem to put them in boxes. All kinds of boxes. Control, fear, and anxiety are the ones I am the most familiar with that are deeply imbedded inside of me. As I grow, and chip away at the shell of my soul, I am seeing truth. Truth that I want to share. Nothing goes in vain, nothings is lost or broken if you do not allow it to plant in your heart and grow. Have ever had the nagging feeling that something just wasn’t right? That your relationship were not really working? You are yelling at your precious kids and deep down your angry at yourself and you don’t understand why? I want to be the best I can be a be the person God created me to be and if you want that too its very simply. You will have to surrender your heart and soul and know…. you will have to dig deep. You may even have to shut up and listen.

I waited my whole life for God to use me. I prayed—even begged—for God to
show me what he wanted me to do. Finally, a lifetime of prayers was answered on
April 6, 2006. My journey was set before me not by God’s voice booming in my
ear, but by a surgeon’s voice over the telephone giving me the incomprehensible
news that I had cancer.
Lord, I prayed, I’m not ready to go. I have a child, husband, sisters, parents,
friends, please have mercy on me.
While I felt a mixture of shock, numbness, anxiety and fear of the unknown, I
KNEW beyond a shadow of a doubt that God would turn this ugly cancer into
something beautiful. This was the true beginning of my journey, and I knew that
God was going to use my battle for His glory and to bring others closer to Him.
I wish I could say over the next year my faith was so great that I didn’t get scared
and angry, but I suffered many weak moments in which I felt that God had deserted
me. I knew then and believe even more firmly now that in those moments the devil
sought to separate me from my faith and God’s promises, and I had to put my
armor on and keep fighting.
God taught me through my battle with cancer that true health requires a strong
body/spirit connection. Healing must start on the inside. Dealing with the
brokenness inside was far more terrifying than surgery, radiation, and chemo, but I
l was learning that if I wanted healing, I needed to be obedient. God would lay out
the steps for me, and I needed to surrender completely and follow them one by one.
In this blog, my goal is to encourage you wherever you are in your journey, no
roadblock is significant enough to deter you from following the path God has laid
out for you. You found your way to this book for a reason. Whether you are
suffering from a physical ailment, a broken heart, a lifetime of abuse, addiction,
insecurity or any other issues, God wants to work those things for good in your
life. God wants to use your story to help others. Let him. What is God asking you to chip away today? Write it down or comment below.

The Journey Begins

I could tell you all the details of my life as a child,teen and early adulthood but for today the details do not matter. What matters is that what I have ultimately learned and what this blog is really about. I am going to take you though a journey of cancer, raising children, marriage and finding my true self. Some days the writings will be long and arduous and other days quick and tasty.

Here is the deal. If your sick and tired of being ________ (fill in the blank) and want to be set free then take this journey with me…… listen, I am not saying its OK if someone hurt your or left your holding your heart. I not saying that you have not betrayed yourself even. You may have to forgive yourself for some terrible things you have done consciously or unconsciously. what I am saying is this……..YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR HOW YOU FEEL AND THE MOMENT YOU GIVE YOUR ENERGY AWAY TO ANOTHER PERSON YOU ARE GOING TO BECOME SOMEONE YOU TRULY ARE NOT DESTINED TO BE. If your are going to be the person God created you to be its gonna take HARD WORK. I wont try and convince you how to live but I will share who I am, how I made the choice to start this blog and how I evolved into who I am today. Transparency matters to me.

Now, take a deep breath. I will eventually give you some tools in your belt to live a mindful, present, conscious and vivacious life. God is the ONLY reason I am alive and healed and to God I give all the glory.
I will be discussing healthy living, food healers, holistic life approach and conscious living.