He Is In The Waiting

@Bonjovi

@JonFrancisBongioviJr 

#slipperywhenwet

#bonjovimemories

#heisinthewaiting 

“Take Courage”

Bethel and kristene DiMarco

 

Slow down, take time

Breath in He said

He’d reveal what’s to come

The thoughts in His mind

Always higher than mine

He’ll reveal all to come

Take courage my heart

Stay steadfast my soul

He’s in the waiting

He’s in the waiting

Hold onto your hope

As your triumph unfolds

He’s never failing

He’s never failing

Sing praise my soul

Find strength in joy

Let His Words lead you on

Do not forget

His great faithfulness

He’ll finish all He’s begun

So take courage my heart

Stay steadfast my soul

He’s in the waiting

He’s in the waiting

Hold onto your hope

As your triumph unfolds

He’s never failing

And You who hold the stars

Who call them each by name

Will surely keep, Your promise to me

That I will rise, in Your victory

And You who hold the stars

Who call them each by name

Will surely keep, Your promise to me

That I will rise, in Your victory!

So take courage my heart

Stay steadfast my soul

He’s in the waiting

He’s in the waiting

And hold onto your hope

Watch your triumph unfold

He’s in the waiting…

This Blog is dedicated to my dear friend Jami

I never knew God cared about ALL the desires of my heart. I mean I get the spiritual ones but what about those desires you have that are absolutely just you… all you? I have been surrendered to my soul recently, and I want to share with you an experience I had, that I let go 27 years ago. Well sorta. I occasionally think of the experience I am about to share, and I am actually thankful that God used my hurting heart to make me who I am today.

Honestly though, I have only been enlightened in the last 2 weeks. I just thought this was a lost episode in my childhood. March 25, 1989 Bon Jovi was coming to the Richfield Coliseum in Cleveland. I had fallen in love with his music about two years prior to his concert tour. There was only one problem, MY MOTHER. I was not permitted to go. She was convinced that if it was not Sandy Patty or Amy Grant singing it was the devil. Let down was not really an accurate description more like volcanic devastation could maybe touch the emotions I felt that night.

I spent March 25,1989, at home with Mom. I cried myself to sleep while my best friends made their way to Cleveland to see him. The talk of the concert was even more heart breaking upon their return. I was so jealous it hurt.  I was ecstatic for them but flat pissed at my mom for not seeing the truth of this situation. My sister Jilene even talked to mom and told her she would take me–I was 15 she was 22. Obviously the answer was NO. Mom doesn’t know this but my step mom used to tape his videos on MTV for me. I would watch rewind and repeat for hours. Life goes on, but I never forgot Jon Bon Jovi and could sing along to every lyric on Slippery When Wet. My heart settled and so did I until recently when I found out he was going to be in Cleveland.

Both My kids danced that weekend and when I realized the dates coincided, I was disappointed.  About 5 days before the concert I found out that we would be finished with competition in time for me to make the show. No pressure: Trevor find us tickets now!!!!! Every time we talked about going I would tear up. I mean the thought of me getting to finally see him was overwhelming as it reminded me of the 1989. Except this time I was 43 years old. I didn’t care where our seats where as long as I got to hear him. Trevor took about 3 or 4 days to come up with 14th row center stage and this is when I got crazy emotional. Like tears a flowing emotional. I just could not wrap my head around 14th row.

The gratitude I had was amazing. Every time I thought about going I would cry. Cried because I thought that desire was forgotten. Heck, I even forgot how badly I wanted to go. The day of the concert came and Trevor received an email stating they had to change our tickets due to the performance kick?  Never heard of that but we pulled up the seating chart and Trevor informed me that we were moved to 5th row!!! Omg omg omg omg omg. I can’t right now!!!! 5th row what? How? Why? I feel like God was thinking how can I make this day even better? Let’s move her seats to row 5.

This is where it gets really good. Trevor bid on some tickets, and as we discussed the possibility of us going, I started to cry. I mean, 27 years later, and I might get to see bon jovi? Finally? 

I remember the night he came 27 years ago and so did God. Here is what is so amazing: I thought God only cared about the desires of our hearts that were godly not secular things and rock music. I’ll be honest. This kind of threw me around a little. God cares about me hearing Jon Bon Jovi sing???? Are you kidding?  If he remembers the heart break I felt in 1989 crying myself to sleep over the concert, then what in the heck else is he lining up for me?  The gratitude I felt. 

The whole point of this blog is to remind all of you of a really beautiful lesson I learned through this. There are things that are so deep inside your soul. Things that have left a mark. You’re sure that the desire you have is never gonna happen. Well, I am here to tell you that is a lie. You are a king/queen of the living God, and He never forgets the promises he’s made to you. So if he makes Bon Jovi happen than He will heal up every wound inside my heart. Set the captives free and grant every desire of my heart according to His will. 

Here is a crazy thought. God loves Jon Bon Jovi too. So for all you righteous religious people out there: Worry about yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Which brings me to this song take courage by Kristene Dimarco.  I love music and I am always searching for new plays. I found this song yesterday and it’s been on repeat for 2 days now. Can’t get enough. As I sat down to review this blog and send it off to my wonderful friend Mary to edit, the words fit right into the context: He is in the waiting. That is such a blessing.

Thank you Lord for not forgetting me ever. It may not happen today or in your lifetime but He’s in the waiting. So stay steadfast your soul, hold onto your hope and watch your triumph unfold. He is never failing. Sing praise my soul .

Friends please hear God’s heart. Hold onto your unanswered prayers because He knows your heart. It is in his time. Hold on. Hold on.

At the end of most blogs, I’ll ask you to write in with any comments or stories

We all want to hear how God has kept you waiting but in the end showed up.  Can’t wait to hear from you.

Walk Away

Walk away walk away walk away…. This what I hear in my head when every fiber in my being wants to rip someone a new one.

I am growing in this area so this doesn’t always happen. While I used to have to have the last word, as I grow in wisdom and in years the impulse is much quieter.

I talk about heart break a lot because it’s a vulnerable subject that we tell ourselves is place too scary to visit and full of baggage we don’t want to unpack.

Well, I do. I’m tired of living a pretend life and not calling a spade a spade. Vulnerability means exposing yourself, and I am ok with that, but I have to tell you: YOU’RE GONNA FIND PEOPLE WHO WILL RUN FOR THE HILLS OVER THIS.

You have friends–really sweet friends–who will throw you under the bus to stay hidden and safe. This blog is for my brave warriors who venture out of the cave and into the light of adventure. You remember the conscious adventure. That is what this blog is about being conscious and I won’t EVER apologize for it.

If you’re reading this and you’re not comfortable being exposed and conscious? It’s ok. There is no judgement here just love. One stipulation: This is where I am and I’m not turning back. It’s ok if we have different opinions. This is called life, and we all better buck up.

I used to be the young mom when Julian was little, but now I am the older mom. At first, I didn’t even know, but at the first school party it became very apparent. But as I always remind myself I would not trade these years for all the gold in china. EVER.

When Julian was little he was bullied by some kids at school, and sadly it never stopped till he moved away and then came back. The first day the longtime bully Logan tried to pull some crap again. Except this time he got a whole new Julian. Julian learned that he was not the names he was called nor did he have to take crap from anyone. The bullying ended that day when Julian addressed Logan and gave him a piece of his mind. That day represented a mile stone for him. He became conscious that he was no longer going to let Logan let him effect him another moment.

Why is it that when bullies are confronted they cower? I’m so proud of him for not taking the abuse any longer. We have to teach our kids not to plant in our hearts what other people say about us. This may be a little shocking but even what we tell our kids about themselves. Sometimes we build these egos in our kids and when then get out in the real world no one else sees them the way we do and it hurts and all the praise and all the effort comes crashing down. I am not saying not to praise your kids just be conscious. I always come back to this mantra prayer: God, show me the truth of who I am. I am not perfect and there are things I need to work on to be more conscious. My friend Laurie used to have to remind me that life is a journey and not a destination, and that has gotten me through a lot of hard times. She is 10 years older than me and has a lot more wisdom and has helped me through some tough days. Happy Birthday love. Your truly are the sunshine I prayed for and I thank you for being probably the most Christ like person I know with your unconditional love.

Knowing that the moment the crap flies is not the end but just the next step in the journey and the end…well, that’s really just the beginning, helps keep things in perspective.

Keep your eye on the prize, loves. This life may seem long and arduous, but in the blink of an eye, it’s over. Forever is what really matters. How you treat people is what really matters. Having integrity is what really matters. I won’t even get into what doesn’t matter because God will show you in some not so easy ways. He loves you, but He is your daddy and He will discipline you. We all pay. Some people call it karma I just call Him God. Let go of what you think God is and ask Him to show you who He is; He will. He’s waiting. He is so patient.

I hope someday I don’t have to have the last word, be right, be judgmental, gossip, whatever it is that makes me flawed. I am just thankful for now I am forgiven.

The Broken Road

August 27, 2005.

When I married Trevor Berry, this was our wedding song. We chose this song because we both had very broken pasts. Almost 12 years later, this song makes even more than it did then.

Today, tomorrow, forever.

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through

I couldn’t see how every sign pointed straight to you
That every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
Yes it did

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I’d like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You’ve been there you understand
It’s all part of a grander plan that is coming true.

I love the moment when God brings life full circle and shows you truth.

I feel like we spend a lot of time in the past, which isn’t always negative. However, when you dwell in the past and won’t let go….well….that is a problem. Are you saying “yeah, but”? Do you feel like you have a really good reason for living in the past? Maybe it’s comfortable. I get it. it’s hard to forgive and move on. It hurts like heck. But guess what? Holding on to past hurts won’t protect you from future hurts.

Guys, I’m stuck here myself but I’m wrestling my way out because I don’t want to be planted in infertile soil anymore. But it seems like even as I’m trying to move forward … to let go of the pain … somehow I get sucked into a black hole.

Here’s what Peter says in Philippians 3:13 “Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead.” Well, there you have it. Looking behind? Living in the past? It’s all a trick of your mind! Remember readers: The enemy attacks through your thoughts so if he can keep you distracted with your past hurts, then you will NEVER live in present happiness. Your life will rot away while you chase the ghost of the past.

Set your mind on the good of your life and stop focusing on the bad and the pain. We all have pain, but the ones who look forward, press on and forgive are set free.

There have been times when I have felt unloved and unwanted and because of lies I believed. Because of this I did some very foolish things. Please hear me: Even when you think no one loves or loved you, God does, and He is there protecting you from the enemy’s lies and manipulation…and from yourself, your own worst enemy.

Dear friends, bust the ghost of the past off and live in the present. Be conscious in present moment because it’s the only truth that exists.

Are there really mistakes in life? Really? If you live in the present then no mistakes can exist. They can’t. Every broken road leads us straight to freedom. If I would not have made all the “mistakes” in my life I would not be me. I earned wisdom through life experiences not a self-help book. I’ve grieved people, situations and lived through death.

How have your “mistakes” set you free? Take a moment to think about it. Maybe even write them down on a piece of paper and bury them in the spring. But bury them for good. Don’t dig them back up and relive the pain.

You are a warrior.

Let go and live in the present.

WHY?

Because the majority of all disease comes from dis- ease.

Because God didn’t bring you out of slavery to leave you entrapped.

Because living in past hurts ages you.

Because it’s exhausting being bitter rather than better.

Because God asks you to forgive so you can be forgiven.

Because the past is over and holds no power over you unless you give it power.

so those are just a few of the why’s and now here are a few of the how’s.

How do I live in present and let go of past?

Pray.

Ask God to show you truth and remove the obsession to hurt yourself over and over and over again.

In her books, Dr. Christiane Northrup discusses studies proving that guilt and shame produce a chemical called ILC. Science is now studying the adverse effects this chemical–these emotions—has in the fascia of our bodies. Your body records your emotional pain, and you live it out in a physical manifestation.

One way to get rid of the stored up emotions is yoga. Personally, when I push myself in exercise I always cry and never understood. Here is the answer: ILC gets released when you stretch the muscles. Northrup also says children who are abused take on their perpetrator’s shame because the perp has no conscious. Dr.Shefali teaches that as children we come here perfect and it’s the adults who mess us up. Bam there it is.

Do yoga. Meditate. Prayer and meditation are God’s plan for successful living. According to the Bible, if we can pray and petition and then shut up and listen, God will show us everything He wants us to do and more.

Do you have children? Do you want to give them everything to help them build beautiful lives? Matthew 7:11 “So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him.”

He wants to see you prosper. Deuteronomy 28:13 “If you listen to these commands of the LORD your God that I am giving you today, and if you carefully obey them, the LORD will make you the head and not the tail, and you will always be on top and never at the bottom.”

John 10:10 The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life”

I would really love to hear back from you.

Comment below

Start living your conscious adventure.

“Love is a Battlefield”

love-is-a-battlefield

Growing up for everyone has its own story. I know very few people who have had a wonderful childhood. Most people have feelings of inadequacy, abandonment, fear, not being loved, being unwanted, being controlled and the list grows. By age 17, I had made some absolute agreements with myself. What do I mean by this statement? I had made promises to myself. Promises that I thought were really powerful. Promises that I believed would protect me and set me free from anyone that could potentially hurt me or get in the way of anything I wanted to pursue. I think that when people hurt you, you go either one of two ways, in or out of your soul. I chose out of my soul. I did not know this at the time. It took 32 years to figure this out. I made some promises to myself that, until last week, I didn’t really understand what I had actually told myself and in turn my body suffered.

Recently, I learned some things about spiritual malignancy which, in my mind, is what it really means to be diagnosed with any DIS…. EASE. One theory is that, in our minds, we let ego deviate from the program God has for us. This is spiritual malignancy. Let me dive in here. Marianne Williamson teaches that the cells in the body say things like, “I don’t want to exist as a ‘normal’ cell. I want to be my own separate thing and build up my own mass following.” Here are some of the lies I have told myself. No one is going to boss me around and tell me what to do. I listen to me and my own ideas. I think when you try and replace God with things you will eventually feel the sting. It really depends on how stubborn you are. I apparently am seeing how bull-headed I am. Making those agreements with my ego was very damaging. I thought I was protecting my soul but I was actually destroying it with these agreement lies. God was included in this agreement. I replaced spirit with alcohol and shallow relationships… epic fail. The good news is that nothing is wasted. He works all things for my good. That is a song we sing frequently at my church. It is true. Don’t ever believe the lie that time or self is wasted. It never is. The lord has his inconceivable ways of making our messed up lives beautiful even when we mess them up. Every time we mess it up, he is there as a loving Father connecting all the paths to freedom. All we have to do is say yes to the call of the Holy Spirit. Please keep in mind that undoing what you have done sometimes takes time. So be patient with your life.

Remember that song from the 80’s Love is a Battlefield by Pat Benatar? “We are young heart ache to heartache we stand….. No promises no demands……Love is a battlefield. We are strong…… no one can tell us we are wrong. Searching our hearts for so long… both of us knowing….love is a battlefield. Making me go and making me stay……..Why do you hurt me so bad? It would help me know, if I stand in your way or I am the best you have had, but I’m trapped by your love and chained to your side……we are losing control when you turn me away, touch me deep inside…When this all gets all old will it still feel the same. There is no way this will die…and if we get much closer I could lose control….and if your heart surrenders you will need me to hold”

I know this is a cheesy song and it reveals my age (43) but I love it and can’t help the analogy of it all. This song, to me, is the battle that goes on in our body, mind, and spirit. This song, for me, is the ego vs the soul (real self). When we are young, we move from heart ache to heartache, we stand in awe of the pain and confusion. No promises, no demands until we feel the pain and sting of rejection of love and eventually abandon our soul. LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD. We have such innocent claims to life. We have the highest of hopes. Making me stay and making me go. Why do you hurt me so bad? This line is about the soul wanting to emerge and as it peers out for a moment, that is when we let our guard down and love, but it gets crushed and retreats right back inside and waits for the awakened moment to surface and try again to love. It would help me to know if I stand in your way or the best you ever had. Lol I can’t believe how ironic this song is. Yeah, it would be great to look into the crystal ball of your spirit and ask….. do I stand in your way or am I the best self I could be? We don’t know, especially when we are not awake to the real purpose of life. Who knows accepting our flesh for truth, I am trapped by your love and chained by your side. Yes, yes, yes…… we are trapped by our love of ego and self. It’s all about you, right? Your heart, your love, your desire, you ..you…you? I hope I am not the first one to break this news to you. NOOOOOOOOOOO, it’s not about you. It’s about loving other people. I don’t mean we should not respect and honor ourselves. We absolutely should and this is a very important key to being set free. I mean, lay your life down and love some people! Stop thinking life is all about you and what you want. This is the most dangerous love of self and you’re feeding your ego not your soul. Live like this and I promise you, it’s not if, it’s when your body and mind breakdown you will be forced to deal with the storm you create. Take heart, we all do this and your calling, your will, and your surrender all determine how your own personal journey will end. My prayer for you is to take the call, live out your core desires, and be set free of yourself and the lies you have built to keep yourself safe. There are so many tools out there to do this. The most important tool you will even need is the Holy Spirit. You can’t go wrong when the Holy Spirit guides your path. God is waiting, for you, to answer the call that is already inside of you. All the answers are within your reach. It’s like unlocking a metaphoric door. Your soul is knocking and will keep knocking until you get off your butt and answer the door. God is your soul because we are made in his image and he lives in you. You think he doesn’t want out? To share and love????? He does love. He does.

 

Butterfly Effect

butterfly

I want to share with you a little bit about my journey, my thought process, and how I am arriving at some of my beliefs. About a year ago I asked God to show me the truth, set me free, and send me the people and the resources I needed to become the person he created me to be.
It started with Dr.Shefali Tsabary and, by the way, there is never an end to Conscious awareness and life. If you are not actively reading, journaling and transforming than I’m very sorry to be the bearer of bad news but you are not living to the fullest potential God has for you. He is at the door knocking and waiting for you to answer the call. Back to Dr.Shefali, she wrote the books Conscious Parent, The Awakened Family and Out of Control. I have read The Conscious Parent and it is revolutionary. This brilliant woman teaches with ease the beauty in parenting that I was absolutely ignorant to. I first saw her on Super Soul Sunday with Oprah. If you are at all interested in becoming the person God birthed you to be, a few things need to happen. First, seek the lord with all your heart, soul, and might. Second, Get OWN channel (Oprah, Super Soul Sunday). Third, seek out Dr.Shefali. There is a fourth but I will save this for next time. I would highly recommend Dr. Tsabary’s online course, I have been introduced to the idea that our children come to us to raise us, not the other way around, and to help us to evolve. Dr. Shefali ( I am paraphrasing here) says that when we surrender to our outer form which is really our inner child and ego we can then parent from our hearts. She says we choose our parents in order to work out our soul’s purpose. I can tell you that this concept resonates in my being like nothing else I have ever read. It goes very deep into childhood and exposes the ego and how a child behaves and why. She teaches that the moment we want to blame we must look in the mirror. It starts with ourselves. There are patterns in our lives and this is key to figuring out what triggers us since patterns repeat until they are dealt with. Experiences are co-created with our soul inspired by our precious children. Breaking through and transforming to your highest creative life potential is what the journey is truly about. I highly recommend everyone either taking her course or reading all of her books. www.drshefali.com. I am in the middle of a two level course. We are only on week two and it almost feels like a dream. Going back through my life and literally UNLEARNING all the garbage I was fed as a child my entire life.  I am excited to share what I learn and hope you too will feel my enthusiasm and comment below. Here is the bottom line. I prayed for truth, to be set free, and for God to bring me all the people and resources I need to be who he created me to be and this is what I received.
Ok so, today I was listening to a lecturer talk about the butterfly effect. In case you are not familiar with the actual definition, I decided to Google it. The butterfly effect is the sensitive dependence on initial conditions in which a small change in one state of a deterministic nonlinear system can result in a large difference in a later state. In other words, it is the influence exerted on a dynamic system by a small change in conditions. So the butterflies in South America can actually affect weather patterns in the North Pole? And this is science? Yes…and proven science at that. This concept was mind blowing for me. A little butterfly can affect the world one flap at a time.
Readers, I am coming to you today with a heart of love. I want you to see so desperately how powerful you are as a body of people. You can make a difference. We were not created to live alone and I believe we are all a part of the body of Christ which actually means we literally are all one. This is my core belief. What I do to myself I do to you. When I self-hate talk to me, I self-hate talk to you. When I love me, I love you and when I love you, I love me. We can’t pick and choose what part we want to keep and what part we want to discard. We are all one period. Do you want to stop evil and terrorism? Then love your freaking neighbor and yourself. Stop blaming terrorists and look within your own heart. This is not a selfish act of loving yourself. It is doing the work you need to do to see the truth about whom you really are and who God really is. It is laying your life down for the people around you and helping set them free. Set them free from themselves, from the enemy, or from the shadows or from whatever you might call it. I don’t care. It is not important. What is important is that love is the basis of all healing.
Some of you are asking right now, ok, Melissa, what about the man who raped me or about my father who abused me or about my mother who abandoned me. I say this. Live for today in the present moment. Stop living in the past and dwelling on what cannot be changed. I have spent the greater part of my life dwelling and it has given me what I have given myself a very sick soul and physical body. God is using those circumstances to transform you into him but you have to consciously decide you want to be free of your own thoughts. What is pain really? We put so much weight into good and bad. Why is pain equated to suffering? My goodness if we didn’t have suffering we would be living like cavemen still. Honestly, we may not look like cavemen but that is exactly where are hearts would be. Selfish and wanting everyone else to change. If you want your relationships to change it comes from you. It comes from the living God inside of you. Did Jesus suffer? I would say yes!!!! Dr.Shelfali would say that your parents didn’t really know the truth. That they believed all the lies their parents told them and they taught you fear and anxiety, not acceptance and love. Unless you had Jesus as your actual parent, we were all failed. Our parents did not intentionally abuse or neglect us. Just like you don’t intentionally abuse and neglect your relationships. It’s all a part of the process needed for you to see the truth. We are all really perfect inside when we are born and we have to get back to that state. That is truly what life is about. It’s about finding the love that we came here with. Unlearning all the stuff we plastered onto ourselves to survive in a very fallen world and environment.
You have a choice to forgive and be set free or live in fear, anxiety, and misery. You have a choice. You’re not a victim. Some of us chose to be victims and to make our story true. End the novel of misery and abandonment of self. Start a new book which is one of love, joy, and forgiveness. Don’t live another moment giving yourself away. It’s not you. It never was you. You by nature are Christ like. Babies come here perfect. We screw them up by putting layers of manmade materials on them until we no longer see them. We as parents don’t really think about parenting our kids. We just parent like our parents parented and expect them not to be jacked up like us.

I am going to share a piece of me. This piece is no longer mine and I’m happy to let go of it so here goes. Eight years ago I gave birth to a beautiful 8 lbs 11 oz baby boy. I was determined to control him and he was going to sleep through the night by 2 months because all the other “perfect” moms around me had their kids sleeping and I wanted to be perfect like them. By the way, I never knew that I was trying to control him. The underlying point to this is that we parents think we are doing what society tells us we should be doing. Standards are set for us by the masses. I fell into this trap and although I am happy now, it happened as it helped mold me. I am sorry that I forced my baby into feeling my anxiety and fear. So, I followed a method called baby wise. It seemed humane and reasonable, so I followed it to a tee. I’m going to make a very long story short. It didn’t work for us. I literally know at least 10 moms it worked for in my circle. My obsession with controlling my environment and him was an epic fail. When I tell you this child did not sleep longer than 2 hours at a time and screamed in between for a minimum of 45 min to 2 hrs only to fall asleep for 2 hours and repeat, I am not exaggerating. The local Dunkin Donuts knew me as the little lady who drove her screaming infant around hoping he would fall asleep. I was exhausted to the point of depression. I believed the lie that I was a failure and I couldn’t do anything right. It was a lie someone told me growing up on a daily basis, so I believed it. Do you see where I am going here? I will never forget the day that I harshly sat him down on the couch when he was about 1 year old in the middle of the night and screamed at him, “What do you want? What is wrong with you? I can’t take another night.” It obviously didn’t help and he didn’t sleep through the night for another 2 years. He ended up with heavy metal poison physically, but that’s not what happened on a soul level. This is what I want you to see about your kids, your loved ones, and your not so loved ones. They will manifest what you need them to be in order to help you evolve into who God designed you to be. Let me explain. Camden was acting out the way I felt on the inside. My eldest child was 12 and living in New York City with his father and I felt abandoned and scared. My husband’s business was on the verge of bankruptcy and I had just battled breast cancer. Are you kidding me? I was a living ball of Hell. I was scared but wouldn’t admit it and I lived in that state for years. If you would have asked me, I would have denied it because I used to lie to myself all the time. So this precious baby came to me willing to suffer so I could move past my fear and past my desire to control him. He felt my energy of fear and at night he let it out, screaming for hours on end. Children come here connected especially to their mom. My hurricane became his hurricane of epic proportion. These precious children take on your vibration, your energy and make it their own. This is how they communicate. Remember science says children don’t even know until about 6 months that they are not you. In other words, they are clueless that they are their own individual person and not their environment. Camden was angry, stubborn, and miserable and so was I. I was failing at it all. My kids, my husband and even my body was a failure. He was interrupting my soul. He was mimicking my soul’s cry for help. He was screaming at night for me. All I can say readers is, “awaken”. See the truth. God sends your miracles every day, you just have to open them up. Listen to your heart. Pray, meditate, and ask the lord to show you the truth. Don’t take my advice. Ask the Lord of the universe to show you truth and open your soul to the power God has for you today. Every day is a miracle.

Open the door

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I wrote a few weeks about my life patterns. How I chose a specific journey to keep my story true. The story with all the lies interconnected to my sub-conscious. The drinking pretty much always ended up with a familiar story. I would call my sister at 2 am and end up crying. Very simple. She would talk me off the cliff of my misery. I would pass out, wake up the next day and repeat. I had a season of life where drinking was an everyday part of who I was and I was totally ok with that scenario. I can tell you that my sister Jilene prayed for me. Jilene prayed audacious prayers while I wondered through the wilderness and spiraled thru the years. I have the lord to thank for her unwillingness to give up on me. She never left me. She later told me when she would get off the phone, she would sob and pray. Telling the enemy he could not have me. I said before the detail about who, how and why don’t actually matter and because it would hurt people in my life I have chosen to leave names and specific situations out. Because the point of this blog is for me to share what I have learned and overcome not expose other people’s stories and truth is we all attracted what we need to move forward in our story. See, you have a choice. Albeit a hard one, you can chose life or death. It’s up to you. Typically, some catastrophe has to take place to jolt ones awareness into consciousness. For me divorce was not enough. Although it did take a enormous chip off the exterior. 6 years after the divorce I was diagnosed with Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. I was 32 years old and this was not supposed to happen to me. So I believed it not to be a positive experience. I remember the night the doctor called and crying myself to sleep. The feeling of complete and utter devastation and my body, myself causing me so much pain. I had many other times of pain but never had I had myself to blame and oh did I blame……ME. Yeah, cancer did it for me. On top of a new marriage followed by a new business and a preteen child. Need I say more? People always ask me the same question? Oh, my gosh Melissa, where you not scared???? The long and short of that question is yes, I was scared but I didn’t live there. See my mother up till that point had breast cancer in the same breast 3X. I remember watching Oprah and she interviewed an author who wrote about eastern countries that had extremely low cancer percentage in their countries and I was like oh than all we have to do is eat right. Bought 4 of those books gave them to my sisters and mom and well……I solved our problems of getting cancer. Problem is……. Eating is not the only reason why I got cancer. It is interconnected however and I eventually teach my readers the art of balancing your life. Cancer is actually a sick soul. You can’t live in the unconscious and be healthy I’m sorry friends but it just works that way. I am not saying your are going to attract heart disease, cancer, diabetes and the such but I am saying if you don’t live consciously you will use the wrong tools in your belt to deal with who you are. I’m talking about stuffing your soul with garbage. There is not one person alive who doesn’t do this and people are walking around blind and God wants to set you free. This is part of why he put you on earth. Work through your stuff and help others. That is it!!! Problem is we get stuck in our story of lies and we believe the lie. The food, drinks, gossip, lies, jealousy, drugs, dependency, shopping, dying marriage, rebellious children, worry, anxiety, whatever we do to stuff the pain and avoid the work of evolving. Some people like me have to have attracted cancer to breakthrough. I have a confession however, life got harder after cancer and although I was aware that my soul was sick and I even knew why I attracted cancer I didn’t know how to heal. I mean I thought I was healing and eating and my connection with the God was pretty solid. So why after 10 years and 7 months later did a biopsy reveal I had pre cancer cells? Are you kidding me, I was actually mad. That news threw me a biggest curve ball, I remember me and my husband celebrating the 10 year anniversary and me think yup, I kicked your butt cancer. So proud and almost invincible I thought I had figured how to stay disease free. Truth is I had a door in front of me. Would I insert the key or abandon myself once again? Awwwwww, this time was different a sort of unbridled adventure and I knew it was such a time as this that I was called. Called to open the door God set before me and live freely without fear. We have choice in life and its either a live of fear or the life of love as my friend laurie says. There is not in-between there in only the reckoning of our souls.

Lies from within

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Take a few breaths and choose love! Abandon your fears and answer the call!

Take a chance on you. Leap into the light and face your fears. Embrace your journey and trust the truth inside. Trust, and be conscious, bold, fearless, and shameless. It’s ok Melissa to be you. You are good enough.

I have a very special cousin who came to visit this Spring. He lives out of town and therefore we don’t get to spend a lot of time together. He is a lot younger than me and still single which has allowed him to live out his amazing adventure with beautiful unbridled courage. He has spent this last year finding his soul and isn’t afraid to tell his story in order to inspire people to find their truth. One night while he was in town, we talked half the night and he left me with a question. He talked about a lot of “soul” stuff. He talked about Joseph Campbell, who studied mythology and how it relates to life. My cousin said to me, “The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek”. He then asked me, “What are you afraid of and what is in your cave?”

Wow, ahhh…… ok… It took me days to really know what the answer was. However, truth be told I think I knew immediately, but was too embarrassed to answer him and was much more accustomed to giving the response that I actually gave him, “Hmm, I don’t know.”

Let me be honest here because it took about 2 weeks of soul searching and courage to make this promise to myself. From that day forward I promised myself that I will not tell myself any more half-truths or blind myself with deception. I also asked God to please set me free from myself.

Drum roll please. What is in my cave is something very deep. It has many strings attached and many emotions involved. It has caused me soooo much bondage and fear. I refused to live in that fear another moment. MY FEAR WAS TELLING THE TRUTH TO THE PEOPLE I LOVE THE MOST AND TO MYSELF. Please let me clarify the type of lies about which I speak. I’m sure you all know the lies I am talking about. I lied because I was putting their happiness in front of my soul needs. I lied because I did not want to confront the truth. I lied because God forbid I tell the truth about how I really feel. The people I love may abandon me if they know my truth. I lied because I was lazy and exhausted emotionally from the internal struggle. I lied because it enabled me to stay stuck in my own self misery. I lied because it stopped me from launching into my destiny and saved me from a lot of work. I lied because it is who I had become.

Honestly, even at this moment I don’t want to send this out for the world to see. I don’t want to tell the truth about who I really am and who I have become. I am afraid and embarrassed.

The truth is that I learned to lie very early on in life because it made me into something I was not or at least I began to believe it did because the real me was not good enough. A child will start to believe the criticism when they hear it over and over again to the point where eventually they become it. Parents, be careful what you tell your child they are or are not. You have a lot more power than you know. You can use this power wisely or dangerously. You can only be picked over so many times before you believe that you are not good enough for anyone. Remember that saying your mother taught you? “Actions speak louder than words.” Well, let’s just say I understand this concept very well. So, I did the only thing I knew to do. I became what I thought everyone wanted me to be including what I thought I wanted me to be. I believed the lies of Mrs. Wolf, my 6th grade teacher, when she said that I would never be more than an average C student. That is a whole other topic that I will write about later. I believed that I was inadequate and did not do anything right and that I was inferior. So, as I grew up, I lied to make myself feel ok and accepted. I learned very quickly that I could become whoever everyone wanted me to be. The problem is that we all know lying is dark and ugly and it comes with a cost. I don’t know if I ever knew exactly why I did some of the things I did in the past until just now……like why I pounded alcohol. I got drunk the first time at the age of 12 and I mean hammered not just a little tipsy. See drinking for me set me free from the lies. I could actually be me. I did not have to do all the work of keeping up with the fake Melissa. She was out and free and alive. Except that this unclaimed reality ended around 2a.m. It always rolled around and I was always left with myself again and the harsh reality that I was still afraid and alone.

Laying the foundation

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I am pretty sure it all started as a young child with divorced parents. Details do not matter because we all have “stuff” we must overcome. The sad part of reality is that you don’t even know your losing yourself while it is happening. It Is so gradual. One day your picking daisy’s for your mommy and the next thing you know your drinking yourself into la la land or whatever it “is” that you do to mask the pain. What I am working toward in this blog is simple. You must work at chipping away at the exterior of who you think you are and get to the real child inside. Children are beaming with energy and light and so are you, you just do not know it yet. They know more than we realize or give them credit for. It is in this time of a child’s life that we seem to put them in boxes. All kinds of boxes. Control, fear, and anxiety are the ones I am the most familiar with that are deeply imbedded inside of me. As I grow, and chip away at the shell of my soul, I am seeing truth. Truth that I want to share. Nothing goes in vain, nothings is lost or broken if you do not allow it to plant in your heart and grow. Have ever had the nagging feeling that something just wasn’t right? That your relationship were not really working? You are yelling at your precious kids and deep down your angry at yourself and you don’t understand why? I want to be the best I can be a be the person God created me to be and if you want that too its very simply. You will have to surrender your heart and soul and know…. you will have to dig deep. You may even have to shut up and listen.

I waited my whole life for God to use me. I prayed—even begged—for God to
show me what he wanted me to do. Finally, a lifetime of prayers was answered on
April 6, 2006. My journey was set before me not by God’s voice booming in my
ear, but by a surgeon’s voice over the telephone giving me the incomprehensible
news that I had cancer.
Lord, I prayed, I’m not ready to go. I have a child, husband, sisters, parents,
friends, please have mercy on me.
While I felt a mixture of shock, numbness, anxiety and fear of the unknown, I
KNEW beyond a shadow of a doubt that God would turn this ugly cancer into
something beautiful. This was the true beginning of my journey, and I knew that
God was going to use my battle for His glory and to bring others closer to Him.
I wish I could say over the next year my faith was so great that I didn’t get scared
and angry, but I suffered many weak moments in which I felt that God had deserted
me. I knew then and believe even more firmly now that in those moments the devil
sought to separate me from my faith and God’s promises, and I had to put my
armor on and keep fighting.
God taught me through my battle with cancer that true health requires a strong
body/spirit connection. Healing must start on the inside. Dealing with the
brokenness inside was far more terrifying than surgery, radiation, and chemo, but I
l was learning that if I wanted healing, I needed to be obedient. God would lay out
the steps for me, and I needed to surrender completely and follow them one by one.
In this blog, my goal is to encourage you wherever you are in your journey, no
roadblock is significant enough to deter you from following the path God has laid
out for you. You found your way to this book for a reason. Whether you are
suffering from a physical ailment, a broken heart, a lifetime of abuse, addiction,
insecurity or any other issues, God wants to work those things for good in your
life. God wants to use your story to help others. Let him. What is God asking you to chip away today? Write it down or comment below.

The Journey Begins

I could tell you all the details of my life as a child,teen and early adulthood but for today the details do not matter. What matters is that what I have ultimately learned and what this blog is really about. I am going to take you though a journey of cancer, raising children, marriage and finding my true self. Some days the writings will be long and arduous and other days quick and tasty.

Here is the deal. If your sick and tired of being ________ (fill in the blank) and want to be set free then take this journey with me…… listen, I am not saying its OK if someone hurt your or left your holding your heart. I not saying that you have not betrayed yourself even. You may have to forgive yourself for some terrible things you have done consciously or unconsciously. what I am saying is this……..YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR HOW YOU FEEL AND THE MOMENT YOU GIVE YOUR ENERGY AWAY TO ANOTHER PERSON YOU ARE GOING TO BECOME SOMEONE YOU TRULY ARE NOT DESTINED TO BE. If your are going to be the person God created you to be its gonna take HARD WORK. I wont try and convince you how to live but I will share who I am, how I made the choice to start this blog and how I evolved into who I am today. Transparency matters to me.

Now, take a deep breath. I will eventually give you some tools in your belt to live a mindful, present, conscious and vivacious life. God is the ONLY reason I am alive and healed and to God I give all the glory.
I will be discussing healthy living, food healers, holistic life approach and conscious living.