Stay Awake

I am always amazed at how different life feels when I am awake and conscious. 

 

I remember the day pretty well. I was three years old, sitting in front of the TV watching Grizzly Adams, pretty much unaware of the circumstances.  My father picked me up sobbing as he said goodbye. I cried too but did not understand why. I can see him standing in the door watching us drive away. Oh how he must have broken. He knew, but I did not that my life would never be the same as it had been growing up under his roof—whole. 

This is a chapter of one of my beautiful disasters.

Now, my oldest son lives right down the street from where I moved that day. I have always had a somewhat negative view of that townhouse—probably because it was the place where I eventually started to go to sleep unconsciously. Julian and Grace moved 2 weeks ago into their very first apartment. How exciting this is for them!

As I drove into the complex, I felt like something came full circle the moment I passed that townhouse and pulled into his driveway. A place that once meant sorrow now brings me joy. A gap in space that once meant an end now signifies a beginning. I am so thankful God is in the waiting game and wants to patch things up. Of all the places they could have moved, they moved to the very site of my 3-year-old beautiful disaster development.

Bigger picture still: Julian’s dad and I divorced when he was 3. That was the moment of my full blown sleeping pinnacle. The moment where my unconscious pain took over, and I changed his life forever. I did to my son exactly what my mother did to me. Something I swore I would never do.

Although I am awake now, it doesn’t change all the suffering. I want my son to know how very sorry I am for all he suffered with the divorce. Your dad and I truly believed if we just loved you enough you would be okay.  You’re on your own journey to awaken and I will be forever here for you. Suffering eventually will bring you to conscious truth. You brought me back to the apartment complex and I honor your allowing me to see the truth and bury the lie.

It’s time we all bury the lies and see the truth. You can’t live in the past or future and see the truth. The only truth is the present moment.

It is very hard to stay awake after a certain age. Past 5, you start burying yourself and go to sleep. It’s easier that way as you have not acquired the skill of mastering pain. Your tiny self figures out a way not to hurt and that works for a while—often a long while—but eventually you need more to stay asleep. Drugs, alcohol, food, sex. I chose alcohol. It wasn’t on purpose at first. I didn’t realize drinking would mute the thoughts in my head, and the pain in my heart. At 12, I attended a Greek wedding where wine flowed freely. One sip lead to many and culminated in my vomiting all over my new mauve carpeting.

That became my pattern. Drink till I threw up. Cry. Pass out. Pretty standard. This blog is not about what you use to bury your pain. It could be anything! Even loving your children to the point that you’re asleep to your own destiny. We all have something that keeps us asleep for as long as it takes for us not to feel pain.

I used alcohol for a long time.  I don’t anymore—at least not to stay unconscious.

When you’re little and in pain, you don’t have the skills to navigate through it alone. It’s time to stop beating yourself up for the shit you have done. You did what you had to do to survive at the time.

A lot of us blame the people who were supposed to protect us. But they couldn’t because they were asleep themselves, trapped in a delusion and completely unaware.

It’s a cycle.  Sleeping through life to avoid pain, then bringing kids into the world. Because you’re asleep, you raise kids to use the same skill set to sleep through their own life. No wonder so many people are addicts. We have so many things available to numb our pain and keep us asleep.

Are you an addict if you can’t get through the day without chocolate or Pepsi? Yes. You can dress your addiction up in pretty clothes, call it whatever you want, but if you are honest with yourself, whether a person or a substance controls you, you’re an addict. Sure you might not be in jail or getting revived by Narcan like some heroin addcts, but guess what: You are no further ahead. A heroin addict might have a better chance actually to awaken due to physical and legal ramifications.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to sleep anymore. In fact, I am on a witch hunt for truth. I will let my trapped soul out no matter what the cost. Learning to stay present and conscious is painful, but it is the only true way out of “pain.”  Remember the saying, “the only way out it through?”  It’s true. 

God will use whatever it takes to wake you up. Most western culture is taught to conquer suffering. We don’t like the suffering so we push it away, numb it, mask it. I get it. I still do it. The moment something feels uncomfortable I try to kill it.  Some eastern cultures teach you to embrace the suffering and live in the now. Suffering is sticky, but next time something gets you, don’t run from it or numb it, stay in it. Let it have its way with you. Cry, get mad, scream, do whatever you want, just FEEL IT. Stop pushing it away. It will just keep coming back and haunting you until it teaches you what you came to learn. Wake to the lessons suffering has for you. Every time I have suffered I have grown and so will you.

Butterfly Effect

butterfly

I want to share with you a little bit about my journey, my thought process, and how I am arriving at some of my beliefs. About a year ago I asked God to show me the truth, set me free, and send me the people and the resources I needed to become the person he created me to be.
It started with Dr.Shefali Tsabary and, by the way, there is never an end to Conscious awareness and life. If you are not actively reading, journaling and transforming than I’m very sorry to be the bearer of bad news but you are not living to the fullest potential God has for you. He is at the door knocking and waiting for you to answer the call. Back to Dr.Shefali, she wrote the books Conscious Parent, The Awakened Family and Out of Control. I have read The Conscious Parent and it is revolutionary. This brilliant woman teaches with ease the beauty in parenting that I was absolutely ignorant to. I first saw her on Super Soul Sunday with Oprah. If you are at all interested in becoming the person God birthed you to be, a few things need to happen. First, seek the lord with all your heart, soul, and might. Second, Get OWN channel (Oprah, Super Soul Sunday). Third, seek out Dr.Shefali. There is a fourth but I will save this for next time. I would highly recommend Dr. Tsabary’s online course, I have been introduced to the idea that our children come to us to raise us, not the other way around, and to help us to evolve. Dr. Shefali ( I am paraphrasing here) says that when we surrender to our outer form which is really our inner child and ego we can then parent from our hearts. She says we choose our parents in order to work out our soul’s purpose. I can tell you that this concept resonates in my being like nothing else I have ever read. It goes very deep into childhood and exposes the ego and how a child behaves and why. She teaches that the moment we want to blame we must look in the mirror. It starts with ourselves. There are patterns in our lives and this is key to figuring out what triggers us since patterns repeat until they are dealt with. Experiences are co-created with our soul inspired by our precious children. Breaking through and transforming to your highest creative life potential is what the journey is truly about. I highly recommend everyone either taking her course or reading all of her books. www.drshefali.com. I am in the middle of a two level course. We are only on week two and it almost feels like a dream. Going back through my life and literally UNLEARNING all the garbage I was fed as a child my entire life.  I am excited to share what I learn and hope you too will feel my enthusiasm and comment below. Here is the bottom line. I prayed for truth, to be set free, and for God to bring me all the people and resources I need to be who he created me to be and this is what I received.
Ok so, today I was listening to a lecturer talk about the butterfly effect. In case you are not familiar with the actual definition, I decided to Google it. The butterfly effect is the sensitive dependence on initial conditions in which a small change in one state of a deterministic nonlinear system can result in a large difference in a later state. In other words, it is the influence exerted on a dynamic system by a small change in conditions. So the butterflies in South America can actually affect weather patterns in the North Pole? And this is science? Yes…and proven science at that. This concept was mind blowing for me. A little butterfly can affect the world one flap at a time.
Readers, I am coming to you today with a heart of love. I want you to see so desperately how powerful you are as a body of people. You can make a difference. We were not created to live alone and I believe we are all a part of the body of Christ which actually means we literally are all one. This is my core belief. What I do to myself I do to you. When I self-hate talk to me, I self-hate talk to you. When I love me, I love you and when I love you, I love me. We can’t pick and choose what part we want to keep and what part we want to discard. We are all one period. Do you want to stop evil and terrorism? Then love your freaking neighbor and yourself. Stop blaming terrorists and look within your own heart. This is not a selfish act of loving yourself. It is doing the work you need to do to see the truth about whom you really are and who God really is. It is laying your life down for the people around you and helping set them free. Set them free from themselves, from the enemy, or from the shadows or from whatever you might call it. I don’t care. It is not important. What is important is that love is the basis of all healing.
Some of you are asking right now, ok, Melissa, what about the man who raped me or about my father who abused me or about my mother who abandoned me. I say this. Live for today in the present moment. Stop living in the past and dwelling on what cannot be changed. I have spent the greater part of my life dwelling and it has given me what I have given myself a very sick soul and physical body. God is using those circumstances to transform you into him but you have to consciously decide you want to be free of your own thoughts. What is pain really? We put so much weight into good and bad. Why is pain equated to suffering? My goodness if we didn’t have suffering we would be living like cavemen still. Honestly, we may not look like cavemen but that is exactly where are hearts would be. Selfish and wanting everyone else to change. If you want your relationships to change it comes from you. It comes from the living God inside of you. Did Jesus suffer? I would say yes!!!! Dr.Shelfali would say that your parents didn’t really know the truth. That they believed all the lies their parents told them and they taught you fear and anxiety, not acceptance and love. Unless you had Jesus as your actual parent, we were all failed. Our parents did not intentionally abuse or neglect us. Just like you don’t intentionally abuse and neglect your relationships. It’s all a part of the process needed for you to see the truth. We are all really perfect inside when we are born and we have to get back to that state. That is truly what life is about. It’s about finding the love that we came here with. Unlearning all the stuff we plastered onto ourselves to survive in a very fallen world and environment.
You have a choice to forgive and be set free or live in fear, anxiety, and misery. You have a choice. You’re not a victim. Some of us chose to be victims and to make our story true. End the novel of misery and abandonment of self. Start a new book which is one of love, joy, and forgiveness. Don’t live another moment giving yourself away. It’s not you. It never was you. You by nature are Christ like. Babies come here perfect. We screw them up by putting layers of manmade materials on them until we no longer see them. We as parents don’t really think about parenting our kids. We just parent like our parents parented and expect them not to be jacked up like us.

I am going to share a piece of me. This piece is no longer mine and I’m happy to let go of it so here goes. Eight years ago I gave birth to a beautiful 8 lbs 11 oz baby boy. I was determined to control him and he was going to sleep through the night by 2 months because all the other “perfect” moms around me had their kids sleeping and I wanted to be perfect like them. By the way, I never knew that I was trying to control him. The underlying point to this is that we parents think we are doing what society tells us we should be doing. Standards are set for us by the masses. I fell into this trap and although I am happy now, it happened as it helped mold me. I am sorry that I forced my baby into feeling my anxiety and fear. So, I followed a method called baby wise. It seemed humane and reasonable, so I followed it to a tee. I’m going to make a very long story short. It didn’t work for us. I literally know at least 10 moms it worked for in my circle. My obsession with controlling my environment and him was an epic fail. When I tell you this child did not sleep longer than 2 hours at a time and screamed in between for a minimum of 45 min to 2 hrs only to fall asleep for 2 hours and repeat, I am not exaggerating. The local Dunkin Donuts knew me as the little lady who drove her screaming infant around hoping he would fall asleep. I was exhausted to the point of depression. I believed the lie that I was a failure and I couldn’t do anything right. It was a lie someone told me growing up on a daily basis, so I believed it. Do you see where I am going here? I will never forget the day that I harshly sat him down on the couch when he was about 1 year old in the middle of the night and screamed at him, “What do you want? What is wrong with you? I can’t take another night.” It obviously didn’t help and he didn’t sleep through the night for another 2 years. He ended up with heavy metal poison physically, but that’s not what happened on a soul level. This is what I want you to see about your kids, your loved ones, and your not so loved ones. They will manifest what you need them to be in order to help you evolve into who God designed you to be. Let me explain. Camden was acting out the way I felt on the inside. My eldest child was 12 and living in New York City with his father and I felt abandoned and scared. My husband’s business was on the verge of bankruptcy and I had just battled breast cancer. Are you kidding me? I was a living ball of Hell. I was scared but wouldn’t admit it and I lived in that state for years. If you would have asked me, I would have denied it because I used to lie to myself all the time. So this precious baby came to me willing to suffer so I could move past my fear and past my desire to control him. He felt my energy of fear and at night he let it out, screaming for hours on end. Children come here connected especially to their mom. My hurricane became his hurricane of epic proportion. These precious children take on your vibration, your energy and make it their own. This is how they communicate. Remember science says children don’t even know until about 6 months that they are not you. In other words, they are clueless that they are their own individual person and not their environment. Camden was angry, stubborn, and miserable and so was I. I was failing at it all. My kids, my husband and even my body was a failure. He was interrupting my soul. He was mimicking my soul’s cry for help. He was screaming at night for me. All I can say readers is, “awaken”. See the truth. God sends your miracles every day, you just have to open them up. Listen to your heart. Pray, meditate, and ask the lord to show you the truth. Don’t take my advice. Ask the Lord of the universe to show you truth and open your soul to the power God has for you today. Every day is a miracle.