Snowy jumps ship

White Flag
Dido

I know you think that I shouldn’t still love you
Or tell you that
But if I didn’t say it, well I’d still have felt it
Where’s the sense in that?

I promise I’m not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and
Destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can’t talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of it’s over
Then I’m sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I’m sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I’ll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I’ve moved on

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

Snowy….
I was about 10 when I acquired snowy the duck. You’re probably wondering what does a duck has to do with Dido’s song about never surrendering her love. Stay with me.

Our neighbors bought their girls a few ducks for Easter. I used to live in the country so the closest neighbor was about a 5 minute walk. There was a family I used to visit and cut through my neighbors’ back yard. I was walking back and a sweet little white duck insisted on following me home.

Snowy was all white with an orange beak. She was more like a dog, and we became grand friends — literally fell in love. She followed me everywhere and even came into the house for “swim lessons” in my mother’s bathtub. Our relationship was simple, but it was my escape and I’m thankful for her. She was not a traditional pet, but I have never been a traditional person.

I had her about 2 years when she disappeared. I thought she ran away, but it wasn’t until my late 20’s that I learned the truth about her death. Jilene found her one morning walking to the bus in the drive way ripped to shreds. I suppose mother and Jilene felt it best to keep this truth from me, and I agree. I would have been devastated to know she suffered the way she did.

I preferred the fairytale in my mind that she ran away and found another mother. However, as I write about her, I sobbed from abandonment from this little duck 20 years ago and today. So maybe the truth would have been better even though I understand why they withheld it. I am 43 years old and have the fondest of memories’ of snowy.

When snowy disappeared I searched for days finding only a trail of feathers. I know now Mom and Jill disposed of her body. Visualize a little girl praying and sobbing and begging god to bring back her duck. He did not.

On the third day of the search I found a sassy peach colored cat and named her Tiffany — likely after the singer Tiffany. Remember her??? Even then my life revolved around music…

“Running just as fast as we can trying to get away into the night and then you put your arms around me and we tumble to the ground and then you say. I think were alone now, doesn’t seem to be anyone around.”

Sorry for the rabbit trail. Anyway, Tiffany followed me home. She was a typical cat, a little salty sometimes, nothing like Snowy. Still I am convinced that God sent her to me to ease the pain of losing my pet. In fact, I am certain she was Snowy reincarnated. Sometimes God takes but He always gives gives back tenfold.

I have had more Snowy’s in my life, and when they leave it’s like the sting of a 1,000 bees. I have felt the loss as I am sure you have. I have this horrible beautiful habit of loving people so much that I look past their faults and don’t see the truth of who they are. Eventually they take off their mask and I see but until they do…well…I am sucker.

It’s more like denial. As I age, I have learned the hard way not to whore my love out. When someone leaves you at first you think, what is wrong with me? Why? Doesn’t anyone really see me? It is sad but the more you are left holding your heart it gets easier.

Honestly. You begin to understand that not everyone loves like you do. Remember when you were little and your mom told you if you have one really good friend in your life you’re lucky? I understand now. No one really saw me when I was little. They had their own lives. Jilene is the only person who saw me. Thank you, sister, for loving me.

Or if they did see me, why did they leave? I used to think: Maybe I am not good enough. Maybe I am ordinary and boring and have nothing to offer? I don’t feel that way at all anymore. I see me and so does God and that is all that truly matters. What your Abba father sees. God sees you when no one else can. But that can be scary if you’re hiding behind a mask.

I think this is where you question yourself at first and it takes time to see the truth. People don’t leave you because you’re not enough; people leave you because you’re more than enough. They cannot handle it, and you scare them. It’s like they can’t figure out how to love themselves and others so they abandon ship.

I love the Dido song called White Flag. I will go down with this ship. I did not always go down with the ship though. In fact, I have abandoned ship many times and learned how devastating that is for everyone. It’s like going to the ends of the earth for someone and they can’t see you at all. They only see a reflection of themselves. They think they are alone but it’s a lie.

Pretty sure the lie comes from the chatter within that becomes real, and we believe it. My friend Mary taught me question to ask myself and I love it. When a thought comes in you ask, “Truth or trash?” That is how you know when to keep it or throwing away. I lost a friend two years ago. No eviction notice given. Just one day she was gone like snowy. 

It’s taken me two years to really heal. I am ok now because God sent me my friend Laurie. She loves hard and fierce, and the friendship is equal. We are soul sisters. I prayed for God to send me someone who would love like I do. God removed her because I wouldn’t give up on her and I never really will. 

So sometimes not giving up can hurt too. I don’t regret it. I did me. I loved. Thank you. You taught me an extremely powerful lesson and I honor it. I don’t hate you or have ill feelings. I now see the truth. It was not all you. I tried to help you see you were worthy of so much more. I can go to my grave knowing I didn’t jump ship. Someday you will see too. I promise.

I need reminded that it’s ok to get hurt in a relationship. It may be the only way to ever feel. It may be the only way God’s love can penetrate. It doesn’t mean you are a door mat it means you’re a door. Doors allow you to walk thru them to get to the other side. I’m just sorry I did not learn this years ago. Remember life is all about the journey not the destination.

Tell me some of your truths below. I would love to hear from you.

Walk Away

Walk away walk away walk away…. This what I hear in my head when every fiber in my being wants to rip someone a new one.

I am growing in this area so this doesn’t always happen. While I used to have to have the last word, as I grow in wisdom and in years the impulse is much quieter.

I talk about heart break a lot because it’s a vulnerable subject that we tell ourselves is place too scary to visit and full of baggage we don’t want to unpack.

Well, I do. I’m tired of living a pretend life and not calling a spade a spade. Vulnerability means exposing yourself, and I am ok with that, but I have to tell you: YOU’RE GONNA FIND PEOPLE WHO WILL RUN FOR THE HILLS OVER THIS.

You have friends–really sweet friends–who will throw you under the bus to stay hidden and safe. This blog is for my brave warriors who venture out of the cave and into the light of adventure. You remember the conscious adventure. That is what this blog is about being conscious and I won’t EVER apologize for it.

If you’re reading this and you’re not comfortable being exposed and conscious? It’s ok. There is no judgement here just love. One stipulation: This is where I am and I’m not turning back. It’s ok if we have different opinions. This is called life, and we all better buck up.

I used to be the young mom when Julian was little, but now I am the older mom. At first, I didn’t even know, but at the first school party it became very apparent. But as I always remind myself I would not trade these years for all the gold in china. EVER.

When Julian was little he was bullied by some kids at school, and sadly it never stopped till he moved away and then came back. The first day the longtime bully Logan tried to pull some crap again. Except this time he got a whole new Julian. Julian learned that he was not the names he was called nor did he have to take crap from anyone. The bullying ended that day when Julian addressed Logan and gave him a piece of his mind. That day represented a mile stone for him. He became conscious that he was no longer going to let Logan let him effect him another moment.

Why is it that when bullies are confronted they cower? I’m so proud of him for not taking the abuse any longer. We have to teach our kids not to plant in our hearts what other people say about us. This may be a little shocking but even what we tell our kids about themselves. Sometimes we build these egos in our kids and when then get out in the real world no one else sees them the way we do and it hurts and all the praise and all the effort comes crashing down. I am not saying not to praise your kids just be conscious. I always come back to this mantra prayer: God, show me the truth of who I am. I am not perfect and there are things I need to work on to be more conscious. My friend Laurie used to have to remind me that life is a journey and not a destination, and that has gotten me through a lot of hard times. She is 10 years older than me and has a lot more wisdom and has helped me through some tough days. Happy Birthday love. Your truly are the sunshine I prayed for and I thank you for being probably the most Christ like person I know with your unconditional love.

Knowing that the moment the crap flies is not the end but just the next step in the journey and the end…well, that’s really just the beginning, helps keep things in perspective.

Keep your eye on the prize, loves. This life may seem long and arduous, but in the blink of an eye, it’s over. Forever is what really matters. How you treat people is what really matters. Having integrity is what really matters. I won’t even get into what doesn’t matter because God will show you in some not so easy ways. He loves you, but He is your daddy and He will discipline you. We all pay. Some people call it karma I just call Him God. Let go of what you think God is and ask Him to show you who He is; He will. He’s waiting. He is so patient.

I hope someday I don’t have to have the last word, be right, be judgmental, gossip, whatever it is that makes me flawed. I am just thankful for now I am forgiven.

Lay down Sally


There is nothing that is wrong
In wanting you to stay here with me
I know you’ve got somewhere to go
But won’t you make yourself at home and stay with me?
And don’t you ever leave
Lay down, Sally, and rest you in my arms
Don’t you think you want someone to talk to?
Lay down, Sally, no need to leave so soon
I’ve been trying all night long just to talk to you
The sun ain’t nearly on the rise
And we still got the moon and stars above
Underneath the velvet skies
Love is all that matters
Won’t you stay with me?
And don’t you ever leave
Lay down, Sally, and rest you in my arms
Don’t you think you want someone to talk to?
Lay down, Sally, no need to leave so soon
I’ve been trying all night long just to talk to you
I long to see the morning light.
Eric Clapton

When I was three, my parents divorced. Pretty sure I mentioned this as it shaped my life. Parents, please hear me: Do not fall into your parents’ loop of giving up. Your kids did not ask to be here, and they need both parents. While there are circumstances that I feel absolutely warrant a divorce, please don’t give up. Your children need you.

Getting side tracked so let me jump back.

When we left Westwood Drive in 1976, we moved to an apartment not far from our home. I’ll be completely transparent here: At 3 years old this was an adventure for me! Everything was new, and I was happy except for missing my daddy. He used to have to drive by that apartment every day, and it must have killed him knowing our mother moved on and took us with her. When I say us, I mean Jilene and me. La Donna stayed with dad—thank God.

Within the year mom remarried and we moved to Bristolville, Ohio, about 20 minutes from where we lived prior. Mother and her new husband built a house onto an existing farmer’s small barn.

One of the brilliant things about moving to godforsaken no man’s land Bristolville is that you have space and privacy. No one can hear or see you for that matter. I am sure that is the point. We lived on about 12 acres, and the drive was two football fields back from the road.

Point? We had land.

But back to the point of this blog today, which is to introduce a friend. In fact she became my best girl for a long, long time. Let me introduce you: Her name is Sally with huge brown eyes and brown hair.

You see, one of the nicest things mother and her partner ever did for us was buy us horses. Sally was a warm brown Shetland pony and was coupled with a horse named Pete. They were the most precious pair you ever want to meet. He was grey and tall, and she was brown and so short; they were inseparable. If I wanted to ride her, it was darn difficult as she walked like a turtle unless he was with her.

I would take her out throw on her bridle and ride—no supervision just Sally and me.

One summer day I rode her to the end of the driveway. Now getting down the drive was not all that fun. She turtled the whole way down, but the moment she turned around she took off like a bullet making it worth the wait.

That summer day we made it down the drive, but as she turned to sprint back, I fell off. I must have hit my head because the next thing I remember was my mother standing over me. Sally had gone back the house and whinnied until mother came out. She then directed Mom to my body lying unconscious on the ground two football fields away. She was and always will be my hero. Although she is gone now, I am so grateful for the rides and especially the friendship she gave a lonely little girl.

So many times, I brushed her while tears fell to the ground. She listened and loved me. Can animals really understand? Did she hear all the secrets I told her? Did she really love me as I loved her?

She died in my teen years and in a way so did I. The not-so-innocent little girl buried her pony and her heart all in the same day. Sally is so much a part of who I am that without telling her story, I can’t paint the whole picture of my childhood.

God sent me Sally. He sends us people along the way that walk with us on our path. Sometimes we wander or trip and even fall off the path. Thank God for the Sallies in our lives who go get help to pull us out of the pit. Thank God for the Sallies who love us no matter what.

Even if your Sally is slow like a turtle, boring and stubborn to your ideas: Don’t give up!!!! She will turn the corner. The moment she sees who you really are she will run like heck until her feet take off the ground, and she canters two football fields while you hold on for dear life.

You have a purpose, and so does your Sally. I know it’s hard to stay focused on the prize when you feel like you’re never gonna be free to run back to the barn. I promise if you stay positive, stay in prayer, meditate, stay in shape and work out, you will be free.

Part of our journey here on earth is to learn how to walk free of bondage the enemy wants us to live in. Even the crappy part of my childhood with mother’s partner, taught me something very, very valuable: I know how to fight and never give up. That is more precious than gold.

I want you all to learn to fight like the warriors you are and never give up. As long as your life is lined up with God’s will for you, you will be free.

But…there are some things you need to lay down and give up—deep down, you already know what they are.

So here is what we are gonna do: Please, readers, comment what you are laying down today. Don’t wait. Be inspired and unbridled and transparent. Let it go. The truth can’t set you free while you’re holding on to a lie. Let it out and let it go. I am here. I am listening to you. I wrote this for you. Yes you. I dedicate this blog today to all the Sallies out there. Untether your soul and run home

Boundaries

boundaries-image

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    Life is a cycle of ups and downs, ebbs and flows, and sometimes there’s not so much flow. Humor always makes me feel better about the raw truth. The last three months I have had a tremendous amount of growth, motivation and enlightenment. But now readers, I have hit a wall. I cannot really explain it any other way than this. If you want to be better in body, mind, and spirit, you’re going to have to Work. I wanted to put this out there so when you’re down you can be easy on yourself and remember THE AS IS. Breathe life in and embrace the mask of your life for the moment. Then dig deep and be brave and courageous and get back on the horse again and ride.

    You all know I am a believer in Dr.Shefali and her work. This last week we have been embracing boundaries. The older I get the easier this becomes. I started about 6 months ago realizing that truth and boundaries are very important for my journey through life. Being the people pleaser that I am has led me down a road of lies. Making others satisfied and not myself takes a toll on the soul. The majority of people don’t set up boundaries due to fear.

    The mother of all lies that we tell ourselves is that if we set a boundary then our mother, friend, child or sister won’t love us or will leave us. Friends this is a lie. If the people in your life leave you over a boundary. I have some not so good news for you. They never loved you to begin with. I am so sorry to be so abrupt. I am struggling right now typing this because I really don’t want to hurt anyone. I know that you know this deep down and don’t want to listen to your real self but I feel prompted to remind you. Real love never fails. That does not mean real love is easy or does not want to abandon ship. What it does mean is that on the days that you have just had it with the world and on the days you do not want to talk or even look at your precious loved one, you stay and you fight. You dig deep and forgive time and time and time again, but with evolution, you set boundaries with your love. Let’s be clear, setting boundaries has to come from your heart and not your ego. I tend to at first to set ego boundaries. It’s my way of protecting myself.

    I will never forget the year I endured a bully named Traci at my school. Let me explain. Traci was a newbee to my school and at first I was thrilled to have a new playmate in the mix. My expectation of our tightly knit group was soon to be shattered. Traci decided that she didn’t like me and would call me names, belittle me, exclude me and the list goes on. My mother went to the principle and teachers for help. Mom tried to help but I guess it was the path I was supposed to take, maybe Traci actually toughened me up for the up-coming years of hard knocks? All I know is that I ended up sick that year with heart palpitations and bladder infections. My body couldn’t take the exclusion of friendship and betrayal. You know I don’t think I’ll ever forget what that felt like. I was so sad and lonely. I believed the lies she spread. So here is where the story takes a turn and I learned something about myself. You can push and push and push and I’ll take a lot but eventually….. I will fight back and you will feel my boundary. One day while on the bleachers, Traci was doing her normal crap and something happened. I snapped. I pushed her she pushed back and eventually ended up in an all out fist fight. I was about 50 pounds and she was about 120lbs. She was tall and I was short. Let’s just say that I lost the fight but won the battle. She never messed with me again. In fact, she wanted to be friends and I forgave her but set up major boundaries with my mother’s help. I run into Traci here and there and we are always cordial. I often wonder what she thinks of herself. I assume she learned her ugliness from her family life and if this is the case, I am sorry for her pain.

    The moral of the story here is don’t wait until your get suspended from school or end up with invasive ductile carcinoma to stand up for yourself and fight. There is that saying out there “fight like a girl” and I would like to change that saying to “fight like a warrior”. I don’t know what girls fight like but I’ll fight for the people I love like a brave soldier. You can only be bullied if you let the people around you affect you. You can only get sick if you let your soul suffer. It sounds simple and I know it’s not. Trust me. I have endured suffering like you. But there is a key to Pandora’s box and that is for you to unlock and unfold God’s mystery for your existence. It is right in front of all of us but it takes work. It’s not easy. Listen, abundant life is not given to anyone. Abundant anything takes a soul mission to figure out. It’s putting one foot in front of the other and working it out. The definition of endure is to patiently wait in suffering. That my loves is what God calls you to do. He calls you to patiently walk the road of suffering and stand in the as is of life. I think what matters in life is the fight and the ability to see the good in the ugliness. When I write this next line please know I am writing to myself. Please stop avoiding pain and pretend you’re not living in fear. Embrace the fight. Acknowledge the experience and know that it’s all a part of the plan…the good, the bad and the ugly. I will leave you with this. Have you ever messed up? I mean like royally messed up? I’m talking like it affects everyone kind of messed up? Well, I have and it’s the worst pain of my life. Hurting the ones you love the most is excruciating. In those cowardly moments you’re not a warrior at all you’re the polar opposite. You let others and yourself down and you cause turmoil beyond repair. Now, let me break this to you gently, you’re not alone. Part of the reason why you did whatever you did is because you were afraid of not being loved and afraid of people leaving you. This is the basis of all tragedy. If you want to get off the midnight train going anywhere, then please do. Kick yourself off, but realize that the answer to your question of how and why is simple…forgiveness to yourself and to others. Embrace the love and forgive, I promise you will be set free. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and fight for yourself and the ones you adore.


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The Man in The Arena

man-in-the-arena

There are many different paths we can take, but the end result is the same if we desire change. That is beautiful. It is generous. It shows me that I don’t have to save everyone with how I think their life process should be.  God is in charge, not me. Thank the Lord.  I mean that is an enormous load.  I have recently seen spiritual growth as not so black and white. I mean I really want a+b to equal c, but it just doesn’t usually work that way.  I’m sorry but just because I am learning about shame, vulnerability, inner child and ego doesn’t mean you’re going to see it today like I do.  It works like this. When the light bulb goes on in your mind and you can see that a person you love is suffering because their bulb (soul) is burnt out, you may have another bulb in hand ready to supply for help because you want to share the joy life really has but unfortunately they have to say yes to the invitation.  

Here is what I have learned.  We all have our own destiny, free will, and choices. It’s a shift in perspective that happens at a moment in time. Change comes down to this. Am I sick and desperate enough to not do this another day? Can I begin to love myself, my true self? We will all have a choice to take the call that God has for us.  When you have beaten yourself bloody and understand that you can’t do it your way and have real joy, then you have to try something else. Not because you’re not bright enough, but because you are blinded by independence. This is freedom.  It all boils down to the shame we live in, the abandonment we are so desperate to try and run from and the fear that pulses through our bodies at any given moment.  I’m not good enough is the underlying vibration of which we are all living. 

I don’t care who you are, if you let me break off the layers, being not good enough is the core reason we are all walking around broken. Brene Brown is a vulnerability researcher and author who says “You’re not perfect, but you are worthy of love and belonging”. I am determined to teach myself and my kids this principle. If I start when they are young, I hope I can teach them not to depend on other flawed humans for their sense of worth. If I can teach them not to carry and bury their perceived shame and to know that they are loved and that anything else they hear in their head is a lie, then Jesus can take the wheel.

You know I went years without reading a book or learning anything new and guess what readers? I was not happy. I was not happy because I was not living in the destiny God had set for me. Folks you are not going to get there watching The Walking Dead.   It took me all these years not to obsessively scour my home in Clorox and clean my floors on my hands and knees. I was a slave to perfection because I was caught up so deeply in the fear and anxiety of not being loved and accepted. By the way, I created that obsession when I was very young but I carried it through my entire life. I am just now improving. If I could control the dirt, I could control people.

Oh if you could hear my laughter. It is absurd. If I could have all the hours back I spent making my life “perfect”. It’s actually really sad to me now.  I could have played a little longer with my kids or read them a book, but no, I had to freaking clean the freaking floor! For what??????  I had to be perfect. It’s all a lie.   If you could learn this now how set free could you be and more importantly your children?  I have this drive to help them suffer, but not the way I have. Yes, I said help them suffer. Not push suffering and discomfort away but let them sit in it.  Be the suffering and embrace the call to truth and freedom that is in the suffering.  It’s not a plague. Your soul knows this. That is why it attracts suffering.  The real you knows it will take you all the way to the top of spirit.

This last 3 months, I have never felt more alive. I recently met a woman that we’ll call Sue. She is adorable and she’s the kind of girl you know that is just kind and sweet. Sue is the perfect example of what God can do with a soul that is desperate and wants change.  Sue told me about her life as an adult dancer. She was in the industry for 5 years.  She said it was like a black hole that sucked her in every time she tried to get out. Sue took shame and turned it into tangible honor.  We recently have been talking more and it has most often been conversations about my blog.  Be honest to yourself and bare your soul and be awakened and vulnerable about the shame you have lived. Expose it, let the light shine in and through it, and it will flee.  I PROMISE.

Let’s go back to lies for a moment.  Shame is the cousin of lies.  Shame has this funny way of wrapping you in chains.  Shame lies and tells you that you’re not good enough and you don’t deserve to be anything other than that which your past defines you. Brene brown says, “The antidote to shame is empathy”  Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. Ok so Brene you’re telling me that relating to someone can kill shame? Relating to others in an arena similar to your own who carry the same ugly cross as yourself is the answer? Know that you are not alone and that you are cared for and loved.

I’m going to link this whole blog today back to one area in your life.  Lies…..please readers stop believing the lies you hear in your own head. “I don’t need anyone to help.”  “I can do this on my own.” “I don’t have a problem.” “Everyone ______.”  “I don’t know how to change, I’m too far in.” Lies, lies, lies. This is exactly how you stay defeated and powerless. If you want change, then stand up and fight!

Here’s some raw truth if you ask anyone who has overcome any issue in their life. I promise you they did not do it alone. People who try to change alone fail every time. why?? They fail because God created us to be relational, period, end of story. There is nothing more gratifying than a relationship that touches your soul.  When you experience true love, no matter what it costs the parties involved, this is healing.  This is how we change the world one love at a time.  Never give up!!! If you’re reading this and you want to change, I encourage you to take the first step and have a little empathy for yourself. Get ready to fight because shame will try and knock you out and put you back in the ring for another round of punches.  Stop decorating your pit and climb out.  We will be all waiting for you at the top throwing down ropes to help you.  You must desire to get out of the pit of shame more than anything. 

It will be arduous, but I promise, love and empathy will set you free. Being honest and truthful with yourself is honestly the first step.  If you’re vulnerable you can beat shame once and for all. You are worthy of love and you don’t have to be perfect.  Here’s to fighting for yourself and for the people you love. I encourage you, if you have loved ones trapped in the pit of shame, implore them to keep fighting. And as for you, stand in the gap and love them.


 

“Love is a Battlefield”

love-is-a-battlefield

Growing up for everyone has its own story. I know very few people who have had a wonderful childhood. Most people have feelings of inadequacy, abandonment, fear, not being loved, being unwanted, being controlled and the list grows. By age 17, I had made some absolute agreements with myself. What do I mean by this statement? I had made promises to myself. Promises that I thought were really powerful. Promises that I believed would protect me and set me free from anyone that could potentially hurt me or get in the way of anything I wanted to pursue. I think that when people hurt you, you go either one of two ways, in or out of your soul. I chose out of my soul. I did not know this at the time. It took 32 years to figure this out. I made some promises to myself that, until last week, I didn’t really understand what I had actually told myself and in turn my body suffered.

Recently, I learned some things about spiritual malignancy which, in my mind, is what it really means to be diagnosed with any DIS…. EASE. One theory is that, in our minds, we let ego deviate from the program God has for us. This is spiritual malignancy. Let me dive in here. Marianne Williamson teaches that the cells in the body say things like, “I don’t want to exist as a ‘normal’ cell. I want to be my own separate thing and build up my own mass following.” Here are some of the lies I have told myself. No one is going to boss me around and tell me what to do. I listen to me and my own ideas. I think when you try and replace God with things you will eventually feel the sting. It really depends on how stubborn you are. I apparently am seeing how bull-headed I am. Making those agreements with my ego was very damaging. I thought I was protecting my soul but I was actually destroying it with these agreement lies. God was included in this agreement. I replaced spirit with alcohol and shallow relationships… epic fail. The good news is that nothing is wasted. He works all things for my good. That is a song we sing frequently at my church. It is true. Don’t ever believe the lie that time or self is wasted. It never is. The lord has his inconceivable ways of making our messed up lives beautiful even when we mess them up. Every time we mess it up, he is there as a loving Father connecting all the paths to freedom. All we have to do is say yes to the call of the Holy Spirit. Please keep in mind that undoing what you have done sometimes takes time. So be patient with your life.

Remember that song from the 80’s Love is a Battlefield by Pat Benatar? “We are young heart ache to heartache we stand….. No promises no demands……Love is a battlefield. We are strong…… no one can tell us we are wrong. Searching our hearts for so long… both of us knowing….love is a battlefield. Making me go and making me stay……..Why do you hurt me so bad? It would help me know, if I stand in your way or I am the best you have had, but I’m trapped by your love and chained to your side……we are losing control when you turn me away, touch me deep inside…When this all gets all old will it still feel the same. There is no way this will die…and if we get much closer I could lose control….and if your heart surrenders you will need me to hold”

I know this is a cheesy song and it reveals my age (43) but I love it and can’t help the analogy of it all. This song, to me, is the battle that goes on in our body, mind, and spirit. This song, for me, is the ego vs the soul (real self). When we are young, we move from heart ache to heartache, we stand in awe of the pain and confusion. No promises, no demands until we feel the pain and sting of rejection of love and eventually abandon our soul. LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD. We have such innocent claims to life. We have the highest of hopes. Making me stay and making me go. Why do you hurt me so bad? This line is about the soul wanting to emerge and as it peers out for a moment, that is when we let our guard down and love, but it gets crushed and retreats right back inside and waits for the awakened moment to surface and try again to love. It would help me to know if I stand in your way or the best you ever had. Lol I can’t believe how ironic this song is. Yeah, it would be great to look into the crystal ball of your spirit and ask….. do I stand in your way or am I the best self I could be? We don’t know, especially when we are not awake to the real purpose of life. Who knows accepting our flesh for truth, I am trapped by your love and chained by your side. Yes, yes, yes…… we are trapped by our love of ego and self. It’s all about you, right? Your heart, your love, your desire, you ..you…you? I hope I am not the first one to break this news to you. NOOOOOOOOOOO, it’s not about you. It’s about loving other people. I don’t mean we should not respect and honor ourselves. We absolutely should and this is a very important key to being set free. I mean, lay your life down and love some people! Stop thinking life is all about you and what you want. This is the most dangerous love of self and you’re feeding your ego not your soul. Live like this and I promise you, it’s not if, it’s when your body and mind breakdown you will be forced to deal with the storm you create. Take heart, we all do this and your calling, your will, and your surrender all determine how your own personal journey will end. My prayer for you is to take the call, live out your core desires, and be set free of yourself and the lies you have built to keep yourself safe. There are so many tools out there to do this. The most important tool you will even need is the Holy Spirit. You can’t go wrong when the Holy Spirit guides your path. God is waiting, for you, to answer the call that is already inside of you. All the answers are within your reach. It’s like unlocking a metaphoric door. Your soul is knocking and will keep knocking until you get off your butt and answer the door. God is your soul because we are made in his image and he lives in you. You think he doesn’t want out? To share and love????? He does love. He does.

 

Open the door

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I wrote a few weeks about my life patterns. How I chose a specific journey to keep my story true. The story with all the lies interconnected to my sub-conscious. The drinking pretty much always ended up with a familiar story. I would call my sister at 2 am and end up crying. Very simple. She would talk me off the cliff of my misery. I would pass out, wake up the next day and repeat. I had a season of life where drinking was an everyday part of who I was and I was totally ok with that scenario. I can tell you that my sister Jilene prayed for me. Jilene prayed audacious prayers while I wondered through the wilderness and spiraled thru the years. I have the lord to thank for her unwillingness to give up on me. She never left me. She later told me when she would get off the phone, she would sob and pray. Telling the enemy he could not have me. I said before the detail about who, how and why don’t actually matter and because it would hurt people in my life I have chosen to leave names and specific situations out. Because the point of this blog is for me to share what I have learned and overcome not expose other people’s stories and truth is we all attracted what we need to move forward in our story. See, you have a choice. Albeit a hard one, you can chose life or death. It’s up to you. Typically, some catastrophe has to take place to jolt ones awareness into consciousness. For me divorce was not enough. Although it did take a enormous chip off the exterior. 6 years after the divorce I was diagnosed with Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. I was 32 years old and this was not supposed to happen to me. So I believed it not to be a positive experience. I remember the night the doctor called and crying myself to sleep. The feeling of complete and utter devastation and my body, myself causing me so much pain. I had many other times of pain but never had I had myself to blame and oh did I blame……ME. Yeah, cancer did it for me. On top of a new marriage followed by a new business and a preteen child. Need I say more? People always ask me the same question? Oh, my gosh Melissa, where you not scared???? The long and short of that question is yes, I was scared but I didn’t live there. See my mother up till that point had breast cancer in the same breast 3X. I remember watching Oprah and she interviewed an author who wrote about eastern countries that had extremely low cancer percentage in their countries and I was like oh than all we have to do is eat right. Bought 4 of those books gave them to my sisters and mom and well……I solved our problems of getting cancer. Problem is……. Eating is not the only reason why I got cancer. It is interconnected however and I eventually teach my readers the art of balancing your life. Cancer is actually a sick soul. You can’t live in the unconscious and be healthy I’m sorry friends but it just works that way. I am not saying your are going to attract heart disease, cancer, diabetes and the such but I am saying if you don’t live consciously you will use the wrong tools in your belt to deal with who you are. I’m talking about stuffing your soul with garbage. There is not one person alive who doesn’t do this and people are walking around blind and God wants to set you free. This is part of why he put you on earth. Work through your stuff and help others. That is it!!! Problem is we get stuck in our story of lies and we believe the lie. The food, drinks, gossip, lies, jealousy, drugs, dependency, shopping, dying marriage, rebellious children, worry, anxiety, whatever we do to stuff the pain and avoid the work of evolving. Some people like me have to have attracted cancer to breakthrough. I have a confession however, life got harder after cancer and although I was aware that my soul was sick and I even knew why I attracted cancer I didn’t know how to heal. I mean I thought I was healing and eating and my connection with the God was pretty solid. So why after 10 years and 7 months later did a biopsy reveal I had pre cancer cells? Are you kidding me, I was actually mad. That news threw me a biggest curve ball, I remember me and my husband celebrating the 10 year anniversary and me think yup, I kicked your butt cancer. So proud and almost invincible I thought I had figured how to stay disease free. Truth is I had a door in front of me. Would I insert the key or abandon myself once again? Awwwwww, this time was different a sort of unbridled adventure and I knew it was such a time as this that I was called. Called to open the door God set before me and live freely without fear. We have choice in life and its either a live of fear or the life of love as my friend laurie says. There is not in-between there in only the reckoning of our souls.

Lies from within

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Take a few breaths and choose love! Abandon your fears and answer the call!

Take a chance on you. Leap into the light and face your fears. Embrace your journey and trust the truth inside. Trust, and be conscious, bold, fearless, and shameless. It’s ok Melissa to be you. You are good enough.

I have a very special cousin who came to visit this Spring. He lives out of town and therefore we don’t get to spend a lot of time together. He is a lot younger than me and still single which has allowed him to live out his amazing adventure with beautiful unbridled courage. He has spent this last year finding his soul and isn’t afraid to tell his story in order to inspire people to find their truth. One night while he was in town, we talked half the night and he left me with a question. He talked about a lot of “soul” stuff. He talked about Joseph Campbell, who studied mythology and how it relates to life. My cousin said to me, “The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek”. He then asked me, “What are you afraid of and what is in your cave?”

Wow, ahhh…… ok… It took me days to really know what the answer was. However, truth be told I think I knew immediately, but was too embarrassed to answer him and was much more accustomed to giving the response that I actually gave him, “Hmm, I don’t know.”

Let me be honest here because it took about 2 weeks of soul searching and courage to make this promise to myself. From that day forward I promised myself that I will not tell myself any more half-truths or blind myself with deception. I also asked God to please set me free from myself.

Drum roll please. What is in my cave is something very deep. It has many strings attached and many emotions involved. It has caused me soooo much bondage and fear. I refused to live in that fear another moment. MY FEAR WAS TELLING THE TRUTH TO THE PEOPLE I LOVE THE MOST AND TO MYSELF. Please let me clarify the type of lies about which I speak. I’m sure you all know the lies I am talking about. I lied because I was putting their happiness in front of my soul needs. I lied because I did not want to confront the truth. I lied because God forbid I tell the truth about how I really feel. The people I love may abandon me if they know my truth. I lied because I was lazy and exhausted emotionally from the internal struggle. I lied because it enabled me to stay stuck in my own self misery. I lied because it stopped me from launching into my destiny and saved me from a lot of work. I lied because it is who I had become.

Honestly, even at this moment I don’t want to send this out for the world to see. I don’t want to tell the truth about who I really am and who I have become. I am afraid and embarrassed.

The truth is that I learned to lie very early on in life because it made me into something I was not or at least I began to believe it did because the real me was not good enough. A child will start to believe the criticism when they hear it over and over again to the point where eventually they become it. Parents, be careful what you tell your child they are or are not. You have a lot more power than you know. You can use this power wisely or dangerously. You can only be picked over so many times before you believe that you are not good enough for anyone. Remember that saying your mother taught you? “Actions speak louder than words.” Well, let’s just say I understand this concept very well. So, I did the only thing I knew to do. I became what I thought everyone wanted me to be including what I thought I wanted me to be. I believed the lies of Mrs. Wolf, my 6th grade teacher, when she said that I would never be more than an average C student. That is a whole other topic that I will write about later. I believed that I was inadequate and did not do anything right and that I was inferior. So, as I grew up, I lied to make myself feel ok and accepted. I learned very quickly that I could become whoever everyone wanted me to be. The problem is that we all know lying is dark and ugly and it comes with a cost. I don’t know if I ever knew exactly why I did some of the things I did in the past until just now……like why I pounded alcohol. I got drunk the first time at the age of 12 and I mean hammered not just a little tipsy. See drinking for me set me free from the lies. I could actually be me. I did not have to do all the work of keeping up with the fake Melissa. She was out and free and alive. Except that this unclaimed reality ended around 2a.m. It always rolled around and I was always left with myself again and the harsh reality that I was still afraid and alone.

Laying the foundation

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I am pretty sure it all started as a young child with divorced parents. Details do not matter because we all have “stuff” we must overcome. The sad part of reality is that you don’t even know your losing yourself while it is happening. It Is so gradual. One day your picking daisy’s for your mommy and the next thing you know your drinking yourself into la la land or whatever it “is” that you do to mask the pain. What I am working toward in this blog is simple. You must work at chipping away at the exterior of who you think you are and get to the real child inside. Children are beaming with energy and light and so are you, you just do not know it yet. They know more than we realize or give them credit for. It is in this time of a child’s life that we seem to put them in boxes. All kinds of boxes. Control, fear, and anxiety are the ones I am the most familiar with that are deeply imbedded inside of me. As I grow, and chip away at the shell of my soul, I am seeing truth. Truth that I want to share. Nothing goes in vain, nothings is lost or broken if you do not allow it to plant in your heart and grow. Have ever had the nagging feeling that something just wasn’t right? That your relationship were not really working? You are yelling at your precious kids and deep down your angry at yourself and you don’t understand why? I want to be the best I can be a be the person God created me to be and if you want that too its very simply. You will have to surrender your heart and soul and know…. you will have to dig deep. You may even have to shut up and listen.

I waited my whole life for God to use me. I prayed—even begged—for God to
show me what he wanted me to do. Finally, a lifetime of prayers was answered on
April 6, 2006. My journey was set before me not by God’s voice booming in my
ear, but by a surgeon’s voice over the telephone giving me the incomprehensible
news that I had cancer.
Lord, I prayed, I’m not ready to go. I have a child, husband, sisters, parents,
friends, please have mercy on me.
While I felt a mixture of shock, numbness, anxiety and fear of the unknown, I
KNEW beyond a shadow of a doubt that God would turn this ugly cancer into
something beautiful. This was the true beginning of my journey, and I knew that
God was going to use my battle for His glory and to bring others closer to Him.
I wish I could say over the next year my faith was so great that I didn’t get scared
and angry, but I suffered many weak moments in which I felt that God had deserted
me. I knew then and believe even more firmly now that in those moments the devil
sought to separate me from my faith and God’s promises, and I had to put my
armor on and keep fighting.
God taught me through my battle with cancer that true health requires a strong
body/spirit connection. Healing must start on the inside. Dealing with the
brokenness inside was far more terrifying than surgery, radiation, and chemo, but I
l was learning that if I wanted healing, I needed to be obedient. God would lay out
the steps for me, and I needed to surrender completely and follow them one by one.
In this blog, my goal is to encourage you wherever you are in your journey, no
roadblock is significant enough to deter you from following the path God has laid
out for you. You found your way to this book for a reason. Whether you are
suffering from a physical ailment, a broken heart, a lifetime of abuse, addiction,
insecurity or any other issues, God wants to work those things for good in your
life. God wants to use your story to help others. Let him. What is God asking you to chip away today? Write it down or comment below.

The Journey Begins

I could tell you all the details of my life as a child,teen and early adulthood but for today the details do not matter. What matters is that what I have ultimately learned and what this blog is really about. I am going to take you though a journey of cancer, raising children, marriage and finding my true self. Some days the writings will be long and arduous and other days quick and tasty.

Here is the deal. If your sick and tired of being ________ (fill in the blank) and want to be set free then take this journey with me…… listen, I am not saying its OK if someone hurt your or left your holding your heart. I not saying that you have not betrayed yourself even. You may have to forgive yourself for some terrible things you have done consciously or unconsciously. what I am saying is this……..YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR HOW YOU FEEL AND THE MOMENT YOU GIVE YOUR ENERGY AWAY TO ANOTHER PERSON YOU ARE GOING TO BECOME SOMEONE YOU TRULY ARE NOT DESTINED TO BE. If your are going to be the person God created you to be its gonna take HARD WORK. I wont try and convince you how to live but I will share who I am, how I made the choice to start this blog and how I evolved into who I am today. Transparency matters to me.

Now, take a deep breath. I will eventually give you some tools in your belt to live a mindful, present, conscious and vivacious life. God is the ONLY reason I am alive and healed and to God I give all the glory.
I will be discussing healthy living, food healers, holistic life approach and conscious living.