Snowy jumps ship

White Flag
Dido

I know you think that I shouldn’t still love you
Or tell you that
But if I didn’t say it, well I’d still have felt it
Where’s the sense in that?

I promise I’m not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and
Destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can’t talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of it’s over
Then I’m sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I’m sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I’ll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I’ve moved on

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

Snowy….
I was about 10 when I acquired snowy the duck. You’re probably wondering what does a duck has to do with Dido’s song about never surrendering her love. Stay with me.

Our neighbors bought their girls a few ducks for Easter. I used to live in the country so the closest neighbor was about a 5 minute walk. There was a family I used to visit and cut through my neighbors’ back yard. I was walking back and a sweet little white duck insisted on following me home.

Snowy was all white with an orange beak. She was more like a dog, and we became grand friends — literally fell in love. She followed me everywhere and even came into the house for “swim lessons” in my mother’s bathtub. Our relationship was simple, but it was my escape and I’m thankful for her. She was not a traditional pet, but I have never been a traditional person.

I had her about 2 years when she disappeared. I thought she ran away, but it wasn’t until my late 20’s that I learned the truth about her death. Jilene found her one morning walking to the bus in the drive way ripped to shreds. I suppose mother and Jilene felt it best to keep this truth from me, and I agree. I would have been devastated to know she suffered the way she did.

I preferred the fairytale in my mind that she ran away and found another mother. However, as I write about her, I sobbed from abandonment from this little duck 20 years ago and today. So maybe the truth would have been better even though I understand why they withheld it. I am 43 years old and have the fondest of memories’ of snowy.

When snowy disappeared I searched for days finding only a trail of feathers. I know now Mom and Jill disposed of her body. Visualize a little girl praying and sobbing and begging god to bring back her duck. He did not.

On the third day of the search I found a sassy peach colored cat and named her Tiffany — likely after the singer Tiffany. Remember her??? Even then my life revolved around music…

“Running just as fast as we can trying to get away into the night and then you put your arms around me and we tumble to the ground and then you say. I think were alone now, doesn’t seem to be anyone around.”

Sorry for the rabbit trail. Anyway, Tiffany followed me home. She was a typical cat, a little salty sometimes, nothing like Snowy. Still I am convinced that God sent her to me to ease the pain of losing my pet. In fact, I am certain she was Snowy reincarnated. Sometimes God takes but He always gives gives back tenfold.

I have had more Snowy’s in my life, and when they leave it’s like the sting of a 1,000 bees. I have felt the loss as I am sure you have. I have this horrible beautiful habit of loving people so much that I look past their faults and don’t see the truth of who they are. Eventually they take off their mask and I see but until they do…well…I am sucker.

It’s more like denial. As I age, I have learned the hard way not to whore my love out. When someone leaves you at first you think, what is wrong with me? Why? Doesn’t anyone really see me? It is sad but the more you are left holding your heart it gets easier.

Honestly. You begin to understand that not everyone loves like you do. Remember when you were little and your mom told you if you have one really good friend in your life you’re lucky? I understand now. No one really saw me when I was little. They had their own lives. Jilene is the only person who saw me. Thank you, sister, for loving me.

Or if they did see me, why did they leave? I used to think: Maybe I am not good enough. Maybe I am ordinary and boring and have nothing to offer? I don’t feel that way at all anymore. I see me and so does God and that is all that truly matters. What your Abba father sees. God sees you when no one else can. But that can be scary if you’re hiding behind a mask.

I think this is where you question yourself at first and it takes time to see the truth. People don’t leave you because you’re not enough; people leave you because you’re more than enough. They cannot handle it, and you scare them. It’s like they can’t figure out how to love themselves and others so they abandon ship.

I love the Dido song called White Flag. I will go down with this ship. I did not always go down with the ship though. In fact, I have abandoned ship many times and learned how devastating that is for everyone. It’s like going to the ends of the earth for someone and they can’t see you at all. They only see a reflection of themselves. They think they are alone but it’s a lie.

Pretty sure the lie comes from the chatter within that becomes real, and we believe it. My friend Mary taught me question to ask myself and I love it. When a thought comes in you ask, “Truth or trash?” That is how you know when to keep it or throwing away. I lost a friend two years ago. No eviction notice given. Just one day she was gone like snowy. 

It’s taken me two years to really heal. I am ok now because God sent me my friend Laurie. She loves hard and fierce, and the friendship is equal. We are soul sisters. I prayed for God to send me someone who would love like I do. God removed her because I wouldn’t give up on her and I never really will. 

So sometimes not giving up can hurt too. I don’t regret it. I did me. I loved. Thank you. You taught me an extremely powerful lesson and I honor it. I don’t hate you or have ill feelings. I now see the truth. It was not all you. I tried to help you see you were worthy of so much more. I can go to my grave knowing I didn’t jump ship. Someday you will see too. I promise.

I need reminded that it’s ok to get hurt in a relationship. It may be the only way to ever feel. It may be the only way God’s love can penetrate. It doesn’t mean you are a door mat it means you’re a door. Doors allow you to walk thru them to get to the other side. I’m just sorry I did not learn this years ago. Remember life is all about the journey not the destination.

Tell me some of your truths below. I would love to hear from you.

Looking For Love


Looking for love in all wrong places
Looking for love in too many faces Searching their eyes,
looking for traces Of what I’m dreaming of
Hoping to find a friend and a lover
I’ll bless the day I discover Another heart looking for love

Do you remember that song? Johnny Lee wrote that gem. I don’t know exactly why I love music so much, but I do. I have not heard that song in 20 years and yesterday it popped in my head and I can’t stop running the lyrics through the maze of my consciousness. I will always remember being a little girl and splashing water on my face to make myself look sweaty. I would wrap a red bandanna around my head and play the guitar to the radio in secret. I came from a religious home and growing up in the 80’s I was not permitted to listen to “devil music”. Of course, Hot FM 101 was the station of choice and I listened anyway. I think that was my earliest memory of wanting to be someone else, a rock star. I craved the attention and the reward of being so admired by others for my talent. The unfortunate truth is that I was not admired by anyone and I knew it. Actually I still know it. Why do we want the people in our lives to love and adore us? I can’t speak for you, but for me, it is about love. Through the years I looked for love in all the wrong places. I knew the sting of rejection but I still went after them, hoping and wanting to be someone’s precious whatever, like a stupid Disney princess. I wanted to be loved and adored. It’s all a lie. It doesn’t really exist. Why should it really? We are all human and we all fall short. Maybe you have a pedestal you sit on, but trust me I don’t. I am about as real as they come. I am 43 and I’m not apologizing for not being who you want me to be. I am me and I accept me. It has come at a cost, but I am brave enough to own it. Like Brene Brown says “I am not perfect but I am worth love and belonging”. Yup, that is me. Look how chubby I am. Look at my wrinkles. I hate these bags under my eyes. Why am I so swollen and why do I have these dark circles? I’m short. Oh my gosh! I’m so tired of the voices!! Lol No, but seriously the voices in your head that tell you you’re a loser. I’m so sick of her. I just want to love and be loved and this darn standard I have created for myself. I am so tired, literally exhausted trying to be pretty. What happens when the music fades?? what happens when your beauty leaves you? Who are you then? What are you basing your worth on in life? What is left??? YOUR BEAUTIFUL SOUL is what is left!!!!WHY CAN WE NOT SEE THIS? Where does this come from? The never good enough saga continues. I want to dedicate this blog to all my girls who are good enough but refuse to believe it and this Includes myself. You have the girls who own their appearance no matter what the size and look and don’t give a crap. Then you have the girls who act like they don’t care but desperately do and are miserable trying to figure it out. Then you have the girls who are obviously so insecure and don’t even try and hide it. Sweet girl, whoever you are, you are loved. God created you and has a specific plan for your life. Big, small, skinny, and yes fat. Wrinkled, smooth, tight, or stretched to hell. It doesn’t matter. The real fact is the moment you take your last breath your shell is just going to begin to rot. I know it’s a terrible thought. This ridiculous body is not you. You are not your skin. Your soul lives on and that’s what counts.Let me ask you this. How much time do you spend doing soul work? The average woman spends 55 minutes a day getting ready. That’s 19,360 minutes a year! That is 322 hours a year getting ready. Oh my gosh, are you serious? How much time do you spend getting your soul ready? I googled that and I’m sorry but there is not an answer. No one even cares enough to do a study on FOREVER.
We have this so wrong. Three hundred twenty two hours a year on superficial bull and what, maybe 5 min a week thinking about soul choices and lifestyles? I am not exempt from this, but please all of us need to see the truth and be set free from ourselves and the bondage we put on ourselves. I mean I do hair for a living. I spend 30 hours a week making people feel like they look good or are at least happy tricking themselves into feeling that this stupid, dead protein coming out of their skull matters. It does matter. I know. I just want the soul to matter more.
Question of the day? What are your hiding behind? What are you tricking yourself into believing? Have you fallen off your own pedestal? Comment below and we will walk through this together. Follow me on Facebook, WordPress, Twitter, or Tumbler at The Conscious Adventure.