Lies from within

the-cave-you-fear-to-enter-holds-the-treasure-you-seek-5-2

Take a few breaths and choose love! Abandon your fears and answer the call!

Take a chance on you. Leap into the light and face your fears. Embrace your journey and trust the truth inside. Trust, and be conscious, bold, fearless, and shameless. It’s ok Melissa to be you. You are good enough.

I have a very special cousin who came to visit this Spring. He lives out of town and therefore we don’t get to spend a lot of time together. He is a lot younger than me and still single which has allowed him to live out his amazing adventure with beautiful unbridled courage. He has spent this last year finding his soul and isn’t afraid to tell his story in order to inspire people to find their truth. One night while he was in town, we talked half the night and he left me with a question. He talked about a lot of “soul” stuff. He talked about Joseph Campbell, who studied mythology and how it relates to life. My cousin said to me, “The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek”. He then asked me, “What are you afraid of and what is in your cave?”

Wow, ahhh…… ok… It took me days to really know what the answer was. However, truth be told I think I knew immediately, but was too embarrassed to answer him and was much more accustomed to giving the response that I actually gave him, “Hmm, I don’t know.”

Let me be honest here because it took about 2 weeks of soul searching and courage to make this promise to myself. From that day forward I promised myself that I will not tell myself any more half-truths or blind myself with deception. I also asked God to please set me free from myself.

Drum roll please. What is in my cave is something very deep. It has many strings attached and many emotions involved. It has caused me soooo much bondage and fear. I refused to live in that fear another moment. MY FEAR WAS TELLING THE TRUTH TO THE PEOPLE I LOVE THE MOST AND TO MYSELF. Please let me clarify the type of lies about which I speak. I’m sure you all know the lies I am talking about. I lied because I was putting their happiness in front of my soul needs. I lied because I did not want to confront the truth. I lied because God forbid I tell the truth about how I really feel. The people I love may abandon me if they know my truth. I lied because I was lazy and exhausted emotionally from the internal struggle. I lied because it enabled me to stay stuck in my own self misery. I lied because it stopped me from launching into my destiny and saved me from a lot of work. I lied because it is who I had become.

Honestly, even at this moment I don’t want to send this out for the world to see. I don’t want to tell the truth about who I really am and who I have become. I am afraid and embarrassed.

The truth is that I learned to lie very early on in life because it made me into something I was not or at least I began to believe it did because the real me was not good enough. A child will start to believe the criticism when they hear it over and over again to the point where eventually they become it. Parents, be careful what you tell your child they are or are not. You have a lot more power than you know. You can use this power wisely or dangerously. You can only be picked over so many times before you believe that you are not good enough for anyone. Remember that saying your mother taught you? “Actions speak louder than words.” Well, let’s just say I understand this concept very well. So, I did the only thing I knew to do. I became what I thought everyone wanted me to be including what I thought I wanted me to be. I believed the lies of Mrs. Wolf, my 6th grade teacher, when she said that I would never be more than an average C student. That is a whole other topic that I will write about later. I believed that I was inadequate and did not do anything right and that I was inferior. So, as I grew up, I lied to make myself feel ok and accepted. I learned very quickly that I could become whoever everyone wanted me to be. The problem is that we all know lying is dark and ugly and it comes with a cost. I don’t know if I ever knew exactly why I did some of the things I did in the past until just now……like why I pounded alcohol. I got drunk the first time at the age of 12 and I mean hammered not just a little tipsy. See drinking for me set me free from the lies. I could actually be me. I did not have to do all the work of keeping up with the fake Melissa. She was out and free and alive. Except that this unclaimed reality ended around 2a.m. It always rolled around and I was always left with myself again and the harsh reality that I was still afraid and alone.