Walk Away

Walk away walk away walk away…. This what I hear in my head when every fiber in my being wants to rip someone a new one.

I am growing in this area so this doesn’t always happen. While I used to have to have the last word, as I grow in wisdom and in years the impulse is much quieter.

I talk about heart break a lot because it’s a vulnerable subject that we tell ourselves is place too scary to visit and full of baggage we don’t want to unpack.

Well, I do. I’m tired of living a pretend life and not calling a spade a spade. Vulnerability means exposing yourself, and I am ok with that, but I have to tell you: YOU’RE GONNA FIND PEOPLE WHO WILL RUN FOR THE HILLS OVER THIS.

You have friends–really sweet friends–who will throw you under the bus to stay hidden and safe. This blog is for my brave warriors who venture out of the cave and into the light of adventure. You remember the conscious adventure. That is what this blog is about being conscious and I won’t EVER apologize for it.

If you’re reading this and you’re not comfortable being exposed and conscious? It’s ok. There is no judgement here just love. One stipulation: This is where I am and I’m not turning back. It’s ok if we have different opinions. This is called life, and we all better buck up.

I used to be the young mom when Julian was little, but now I am the older mom. At first, I didn’t even know, but at the first school party it became very apparent. But as I always remind myself I would not trade these years for all the gold in china. EVER.

When Julian was little he was bullied by some kids at school, and sadly it never stopped till he moved away and then came back. The first day the longtime bully Logan tried to pull some crap again. Except this time he got a whole new Julian. Julian learned that he was not the names he was called nor did he have to take crap from anyone. The bullying ended that day when Julian addressed Logan and gave him a piece of his mind. That day represented a mile stone for him. He became conscious that he was no longer going to let Logan let him effect him another moment.

Why is it that when bullies are confronted they cower? I’m so proud of him for not taking the abuse any longer. We have to teach our kids not to plant in our hearts what other people say about us. This may be a little shocking but even what we tell our kids about themselves. Sometimes we build these egos in our kids and when then get out in the real world no one else sees them the way we do and it hurts and all the praise and all the effort comes crashing down. I am not saying not to praise your kids just be conscious. I always come back to this mantra prayer: God, show me the truth of who I am. I am not perfect and there are things I need to work on to be more conscious. My friend Laurie used to have to remind me that life is a journey and not a destination, and that has gotten me through a lot of hard times. She is 10 years older than me and has a lot more wisdom and has helped me through some tough days. Happy Birthday love. Your truly are the sunshine I prayed for and I thank you for being probably the most Christ like person I know with your unconditional love.

Knowing that the moment the crap flies is not the end but just the next step in the journey and the end…well, that’s really just the beginning, helps keep things in perspective.

Keep your eye on the prize, loves. This life may seem long and arduous, but in the blink of an eye, it’s over. Forever is what really matters. How you treat people is what really matters. Having integrity is what really matters. I won’t even get into what doesn’t matter because God will show you in some not so easy ways. He loves you, but He is your daddy and He will discipline you. We all pay. Some people call it karma I just call Him God. Let go of what you think God is and ask Him to show you who He is; He will. He’s waiting. He is so patient.

I hope someday I don’t have to have the last word, be right, be judgmental, gossip, whatever it is that makes me flawed. I am just thankful for now I am forgiven.

I Hope You Dance

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you’ll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin’ might mean takin’ chances, but they’re worth takin’
Lovin’ might be a mistake, but it’s worth makin’
Don’t let some Hellbent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to sellin’ out, reconsider.

Julian and I danced to this song August 27,2005. As I researched this article image I came across this song in which we hold dear to our hearts. I must say above and beyond anything that I have ever experienced, it was Julian’s life period that God used to bring me to him. Having a child literally saved my life. I love you to the moon and back times infinity Julian.
beautiful, beautiful, beautiful boy
I dedicate this song to you and this specific blog to Leslie and Sylvia

As you get older, you think back to your younger years. Sometimes the memories are
awesome, other times heartbreaking. Last week I thought about an old friend from
Florida who probably has no idea how she impacted my life.
Everywhere I went, I kept running into this little Italian girl. Now, this was south Florida
in the early 90’s and running into people is not the norm. As a stay at home mama,
Julian and I frequently visited parks and malls—or anywhere I could entertain him with
visual and social stimuli. Far from my family, we didn’t have a lot to keep us busy. And,
oh yes, I was 24.
Back to the point. I meet Leslie. Both chatty extroverts, we became fast friends. We had
a ton in common, but most obviously were that we both stayed home with our little ones
and we were married to chefs. Did I mention she was a feeder? Read the last blog if
you’re confused. We started a moms’ group and began recruiting moms anywhere we
went. By time the group ended we had close to 20 moms and babies show up every
week.
For me this translated into having some wine with some girls while the kids played–a
small reprieve from motherhood. We became very close over the next 16 months. She
became pregnant again, and when the time came closer to delivery we started talking
about who was going to watch autumn. I offered and at first she accepted. About a
week prior to new baby’s arrival Leslie and her husband changed their minds. They
proposed the idea that I go with Leslie and he would stay with autumn.
It may sound a little different but they felt comfortable with the idea. Autumn was shy
and had never been away from her parents. Regardless, this was an honor and
privilege I was thrilled to accept.
My birth experience with Julian included an emergency C-section and I felt robbed of
giving birth the way the good Lord intended. I had multiple medical interventions that I
am convinced cause my baby’s heart rate to drop. Obviously the outcome is what
matters and he was born perfect.
Sorry about all the rabbit trails today. So……I became the official unofficial doula. If
you’re wondering, doula is Greek word for with woman, and they support mom and dad
during labor. February 10, 1998, arrived and honestly the details are a little foggy.
Leslie, when you read this please comment below. The readers would love to hear your
version.
Ok rabbit trail. I’m sorry to report that in the 24 years on the earth at that point I had
abandoned the lord. I did not really believe the bible and thought if Jesus really existed
he was just a nice carpenter. I cringe writing that. I have many reasons abandoning my
faith, but I am not at liberty to share the truth as it may hurt people. Let’s just say I made

a choice not to be like some people I knew and I was positive this was the way to do it.
Fast forward.
Sylvia’s birth was magnificent. Leslie labored beautifully, and I was beyond impressed
with her skills to handle the pain and push like a champ. She cracked some jokes, and
when I asked her if she was really hurting she about stabbed me. She was beautiful and
smiling in between. God had a plan for me, and He used Leslie and Sylvia to help me
see the truth that I so fiercely buried.
When the doctor arrived, I took a back burner to his crew coaching her from her side
and holding her right leg as she pushed to help. The doctor midway asked if I was her
midwife and I replied “no” and giggled. What he said next changed the direction of my
life at least for the next 4 years. “Well, you should be, you did really good helping her
labor.” This, however, is not what really changed my reality.
At the moment Sylvia’s little head started to crown, I saw the beauty. The beauty in
creation. The masterpiece of God’s affection displayed in birth. It was the most spiritual
moment I’ve ever felt in my life. I say felt because the Holy Spirit was present and I
could feel it.
I had c-sections with my kids so unfortunately this never happened for me but I am not
sure it would have had the same effect. Seeing Sylvia born into this world literally
changed my life and saved me from the separation from God. Thank you, Leslie, for
being obedient to the lord. I honestly could not understand why you wanted me there,
but God knew. He knew seeing Sylvia’s birth would trigger me to recognize that only a
supreme being could orchestrate this all in perfect timing. He knew it would soften my
hardened heart.
Side note: My family are prayer warriors and never stopped praying for my life to get
back on track and to find Jesus. God knew that I would remember it forever and feel the
spirit from that day forward forever. I have had ups and downs real downs since then
like I’m not 100 percent sure God is real. Because if God is real than why do people
suffer like little people, disadvantaged people, weak people, all colors, all races and
religions and all people for nothing more than someone else’s sick pleasure.
But God brought me out and showed me truth. I am so thankful for the truth. If you
wanted to ask everyone close to me what my mantra prayer is they would know. I tell
them all the time. Pray for truth. What is more precious and beautiful to me is God
delivers every time. He shows me truth and here is the most brilliant thing: If you are
stubborn and hard-hearted guess what: He will keep showing you truth until you see it.
Now you can chose to plant it in your heart or reject it. Your choice, but God will keep
showing and trying and never give up on your sorry ass. Yes I just said ass, and if
you’re judging me, guess what I don’t care. God knows my heart. I remember leaving

the hospital the night Sylvia was born, smiling ear to ear and then sobbing down I-95
and crying out, “Lord I’m so sorry for forsaking you. I can’t believe I denied you for all
these years.” My heart was broken and God showed me the truth.
How in the world can birth be spiritual? I have a friend who is a midwife; in fact, she
helped deliver my last two babies. I asked her one time about spirit and birth and she
unequivocally said spirit and birth are partners in the dance of life and creation. She
has experienced moments when only God could have downloaded info about mom and
baby at the most crucial time frame.
God can use anyone or anything to drop the scales from his beloved’s eyes. I want to
encourage you: If you have a loved one who doesn’t know God, NEVER GIVE UP
praying. God hears and will work things out in His perfect timing. If you are reading this
and you are void when it comes to spirit, I ask you to do one thing: Ask God to show
you the truth. He will.
After Sylvia was born I decided to go to school to be a midwife. It was a fantastic
journey, and I met a lot of beautiful women in the process. I am not sad to report after 3
years of college and 2 specific semesters in midwifery program, I dropped out. I was
going through a divorce and realized very quickly that all of the on-call days away from
home would not work. It could have but time away from my child was an enormous
sacrifice. In addition to the parenting concern, I knew I had to move back to Ohio, and
midwifery was not a recognized practice. Although it was neither legal nor illegal, I
would have had to practice underground and anyone who knows me knows I am a
freaking rule follower. That was not an option.
In Florida I would have malpractice insurance and worked under an obgyn; midwifery
was governed by laws and protocol. Ohio didn’t have anything like this so…….I went to
school for hair. While midwifery and hair don’t really go together, I am very logical and
creative at the same time so it worked out. Plus, I could make my own schedule and be
a fairly available mama. A win win!
So God takes us on journeys not destinations, and we have to remember this. It is how
you get there that matters. You can learn valuable life lessons from pumping gas and
over filling your tank to divorce if you only pay attention. God will use anything to show
you the truth. I was young in these years and did not know truth. Instead, I had
manipulated the truth to fit what I needed. Please don’t do this. If you’re experiencing a
hard time, please talk to someone you deem as wise. Let the people who love you
guide you. If you don’t have anyone, find someone!!
Also another thank you to Leslie for allowing me to be at Sylvia’s birth. I regret that we
lost each other along the years but I truly love you and even if we don’t talk all the time,
you’re in my heart forever.

Readers, you’re worth every early morning I write, and I love sharing my heart with
you. Stay positive and never give up. I want to thank my girls who edit this blog: May the
force be with you. Love you both so much.