Snowy jumps ship

White Flag
Dido

I know you think that I shouldn’t still love you
Or tell you that
But if I didn’t say it, well I’d still have felt it
Where’s the sense in that?

I promise I’m not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and
Destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can’t talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of it’s over
Then I’m sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I’m sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I’ll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I’ve moved on

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

Snowy….
I was about 10 when I acquired snowy the duck. You’re probably wondering what does a duck has to do with Dido’s song about never surrendering her love. Stay with me.

Our neighbors bought their girls a few ducks for Easter. I used to live in the country so the closest neighbor was about a 5 minute walk. There was a family I used to visit and cut through my neighbors’ back yard. I was walking back and a sweet little white duck insisted on following me home.

Snowy was all white with an orange beak. She was more like a dog, and we became grand friends — literally fell in love. She followed me everywhere and even came into the house for “swim lessons” in my mother’s bathtub. Our relationship was simple, but it was my escape and I’m thankful for her. She was not a traditional pet, but I have never been a traditional person.

I had her about 2 years when she disappeared. I thought she ran away, but it wasn’t until my late 20’s that I learned the truth about her death. Jilene found her one morning walking to the bus in the drive way ripped to shreds. I suppose mother and Jilene felt it best to keep this truth from me, and I agree. I would have been devastated to know she suffered the way she did.

I preferred the fairytale in my mind that she ran away and found another mother. However, as I write about her, I sobbed from abandonment from this little duck 20 years ago and today. So maybe the truth would have been better even though I understand why they withheld it. I am 43 years old and have the fondest of memories’ of snowy.

When snowy disappeared I searched for days finding only a trail of feathers. I know now Mom and Jill disposed of her body. Visualize a little girl praying and sobbing and begging god to bring back her duck. He did not.

On the third day of the search I found a sassy peach colored cat and named her Tiffany — likely after the singer Tiffany. Remember her??? Even then my life revolved around music…

“Running just as fast as we can trying to get away into the night and then you put your arms around me and we tumble to the ground and then you say. I think were alone now, doesn’t seem to be anyone around.”

Sorry for the rabbit trail. Anyway, Tiffany followed me home. She was a typical cat, a little salty sometimes, nothing like Snowy. Still I am convinced that God sent her to me to ease the pain of losing my pet. In fact, I am certain she was Snowy reincarnated. Sometimes God takes but He always gives gives back tenfold.

I have had more Snowy’s in my life, and when they leave it’s like the sting of a 1,000 bees. I have felt the loss as I am sure you have. I have this horrible beautiful habit of loving people so much that I look past their faults and don’t see the truth of who they are. Eventually they take off their mask and I see but until they do…well…I am sucker.

It’s more like denial. As I age, I have learned the hard way not to whore my love out. When someone leaves you at first you think, what is wrong with me? Why? Doesn’t anyone really see me? It is sad but the more you are left holding your heart it gets easier.

Honestly. You begin to understand that not everyone loves like you do. Remember when you were little and your mom told you if you have one really good friend in your life you’re lucky? I understand now. No one really saw me when I was little. They had their own lives. Jilene is the only person who saw me. Thank you, sister, for loving me.

Or if they did see me, why did they leave? I used to think: Maybe I am not good enough. Maybe I am ordinary and boring and have nothing to offer? I don’t feel that way at all anymore. I see me and so does God and that is all that truly matters. What your Abba father sees. God sees you when no one else can. But that can be scary if you’re hiding behind a mask.

I think this is where you question yourself at first and it takes time to see the truth. People don’t leave you because you’re not enough; people leave you because you’re more than enough. They cannot handle it, and you scare them. It’s like they can’t figure out how to love themselves and others so they abandon ship.

I love the Dido song called White Flag. I will go down with this ship. I did not always go down with the ship though. In fact, I have abandoned ship many times and learned how devastating that is for everyone. It’s like going to the ends of the earth for someone and they can’t see you at all. They only see a reflection of themselves. They think they are alone but it’s a lie.

Pretty sure the lie comes from the chatter within that becomes real, and we believe it. My friend Mary taught me question to ask myself and I love it. When a thought comes in you ask, “Truth or trash?” That is how you know when to keep it or throwing away. I lost a friend two years ago. No eviction notice given. Just one day she was gone like snowy. 

It’s taken me two years to really heal. I am ok now because God sent me my friend Laurie. She loves hard and fierce, and the friendship is equal. We are soul sisters. I prayed for God to send me someone who would love like I do. God removed her because I wouldn’t give up on her and I never really will. 

So sometimes not giving up can hurt too. I don’t regret it. I did me. I loved. Thank you. You taught me an extremely powerful lesson and I honor it. I don’t hate you or have ill feelings. I now see the truth. It was not all you. I tried to help you see you were worthy of so much more. I can go to my grave knowing I didn’t jump ship. Someday you will see too. I promise.

I need reminded that it’s ok to get hurt in a relationship. It may be the only way to ever feel. It may be the only way God’s love can penetrate. It doesn’t mean you are a door mat it means you’re a door. Doors allow you to walk thru them to get to the other side. I’m just sorry I did not learn this years ago. Remember life is all about the journey not the destination.

Tell me some of your truths below. I would love to hear from you.

I Hope You Dance

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you’ll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin’ might mean takin’ chances, but they’re worth takin’
Lovin’ might be a mistake, but it’s worth makin’
Don’t let some Hellbent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to sellin’ out, reconsider.

Julian and I danced to this song August 27,2005. As I researched this article image I came across this song in which we hold dear to our hearts. I must say above and beyond anything that I have ever experienced, it was Julian’s life period that God used to bring me to him. Having a child literally saved my life. I love you to the moon and back times infinity Julian.
beautiful, beautiful, beautiful boy
I dedicate this song to you and this specific blog to Leslie and Sylvia

As you get older, you think back to your younger years. Sometimes the memories are
awesome, other times heartbreaking. Last week I thought about an old friend from
Florida who probably has no idea how she impacted my life.
Everywhere I went, I kept running into this little Italian girl. Now, this was south Florida
in the early 90’s and running into people is not the norm. As a stay at home mama,
Julian and I frequently visited parks and malls—or anywhere I could entertain him with
visual and social stimuli. Far from my family, we didn’t have a lot to keep us busy. And,
oh yes, I was 24.
Back to the point. I meet Leslie. Both chatty extroverts, we became fast friends. We had
a ton in common, but most obviously were that we both stayed home with our little ones
and we were married to chefs. Did I mention she was a feeder? Read the last blog if
you’re confused. We started a moms’ group and began recruiting moms anywhere we
went. By time the group ended we had close to 20 moms and babies show up every
week.
For me this translated into having some wine with some girls while the kids played–a
small reprieve from motherhood. We became very close over the next 16 months. She
became pregnant again, and when the time came closer to delivery we started talking
about who was going to watch autumn. I offered and at first she accepted. About a
week prior to new baby’s arrival Leslie and her husband changed their minds. They
proposed the idea that I go with Leslie and he would stay with autumn.
It may sound a little different but they felt comfortable with the idea. Autumn was shy
and had never been away from her parents. Regardless, this was an honor and
privilege I was thrilled to accept.
My birth experience with Julian included an emergency C-section and I felt robbed of
giving birth the way the good Lord intended. I had multiple medical interventions that I
am convinced cause my baby’s heart rate to drop. Obviously the outcome is what
matters and he was born perfect.
Sorry about all the rabbit trails today. So……I became the official unofficial doula. If
you’re wondering, doula is Greek word for with woman, and they support mom and dad
during labor. February 10, 1998, arrived and honestly the details are a little foggy.
Leslie, when you read this please comment below. The readers would love to hear your
version.
Ok rabbit trail. I’m sorry to report that in the 24 years on the earth at that point I had
abandoned the lord. I did not really believe the bible and thought if Jesus really existed
he was just a nice carpenter. I cringe writing that. I have many reasons abandoning my
faith, but I am not at liberty to share the truth as it may hurt people. Let’s just say I made

a choice not to be like some people I knew and I was positive this was the way to do it.
Fast forward.
Sylvia’s birth was magnificent. Leslie labored beautifully, and I was beyond impressed
with her skills to handle the pain and push like a champ. She cracked some jokes, and
when I asked her if she was really hurting she about stabbed me. She was beautiful and
smiling in between. God had a plan for me, and He used Leslie and Sylvia to help me
see the truth that I so fiercely buried.
When the doctor arrived, I took a back burner to his crew coaching her from her side
and holding her right leg as she pushed to help. The doctor midway asked if I was her
midwife and I replied “no” and giggled. What he said next changed the direction of my
life at least for the next 4 years. “Well, you should be, you did really good helping her
labor.” This, however, is not what really changed my reality.
At the moment Sylvia’s little head started to crown, I saw the beauty. The beauty in
creation. The masterpiece of God’s affection displayed in birth. It was the most spiritual
moment I’ve ever felt in my life. I say felt because the Holy Spirit was present and I
could feel it.
I had c-sections with my kids so unfortunately this never happened for me but I am not
sure it would have had the same effect. Seeing Sylvia born into this world literally
changed my life and saved me from the separation from God. Thank you, Leslie, for
being obedient to the lord. I honestly could not understand why you wanted me there,
but God knew. He knew seeing Sylvia’s birth would trigger me to recognize that only a
supreme being could orchestrate this all in perfect timing. He knew it would soften my
hardened heart.
Side note: My family are prayer warriors and never stopped praying for my life to get
back on track and to find Jesus. God knew that I would remember it forever and feel the
spirit from that day forward forever. I have had ups and downs real downs since then
like I’m not 100 percent sure God is real. Because if God is real than why do people
suffer like little people, disadvantaged people, weak people, all colors, all races and
religions and all people for nothing more than someone else’s sick pleasure.
But God brought me out and showed me truth. I am so thankful for the truth. If you
wanted to ask everyone close to me what my mantra prayer is they would know. I tell
them all the time. Pray for truth. What is more precious and beautiful to me is God
delivers every time. He shows me truth and here is the most brilliant thing: If you are
stubborn and hard-hearted guess what: He will keep showing you truth until you see it.
Now you can chose to plant it in your heart or reject it. Your choice, but God will keep
showing and trying and never give up on your sorry ass. Yes I just said ass, and if
you’re judging me, guess what I don’t care. God knows my heart. I remember leaving

the hospital the night Sylvia was born, smiling ear to ear and then sobbing down I-95
and crying out, “Lord I’m so sorry for forsaking you. I can’t believe I denied you for all
these years.” My heart was broken and God showed me the truth.
How in the world can birth be spiritual? I have a friend who is a midwife; in fact, she
helped deliver my last two babies. I asked her one time about spirit and birth and she
unequivocally said spirit and birth are partners in the dance of life and creation. She
has experienced moments when only God could have downloaded info about mom and
baby at the most crucial time frame.
God can use anyone or anything to drop the scales from his beloved’s eyes. I want to
encourage you: If you have a loved one who doesn’t know God, NEVER GIVE UP
praying. God hears and will work things out in His perfect timing. If you are reading this
and you are void when it comes to spirit, I ask you to do one thing: Ask God to show
you the truth. He will.
After Sylvia was born I decided to go to school to be a midwife. It was a fantastic
journey, and I met a lot of beautiful women in the process. I am not sad to report after 3
years of college and 2 specific semesters in midwifery program, I dropped out. I was
going through a divorce and realized very quickly that all of the on-call days away from
home would not work. It could have but time away from my child was an enormous
sacrifice. In addition to the parenting concern, I knew I had to move back to Ohio, and
midwifery was not a recognized practice. Although it was neither legal nor illegal, I
would have had to practice underground and anyone who knows me knows I am a
freaking rule follower. That was not an option.
In Florida I would have malpractice insurance and worked under an obgyn; midwifery
was governed by laws and protocol. Ohio didn’t have anything like this so…….I went to
school for hair. While midwifery and hair don’t really go together, I am very logical and
creative at the same time so it worked out. Plus, I could make my own schedule and be
a fairly available mama. A win win!
So God takes us on journeys not destinations, and we have to remember this. It is how
you get there that matters. You can learn valuable life lessons from pumping gas and
over filling your tank to divorce if you only pay attention. God will use anything to show
you the truth. I was young in these years and did not know truth. Instead, I had
manipulated the truth to fit what I needed. Please don’t do this. If you’re experiencing a
hard time, please talk to someone you deem as wise. Let the people who love you
guide you. If you don’t have anyone, find someone!!
Also another thank you to Leslie for allowing me to be at Sylvia’s birth. I regret that we
lost each other along the years but I truly love you and even if we don’t talk all the time,
you’re in my heart forever.

Readers, you’re worth every early morning I write, and I love sharing my heart with
you. Stay positive and never give up. I want to thank my girls who edit this blog: May the
force be with you. Love you both so much.