The Broken Road

August 27, 2005.

When I married Trevor Berry, this was our wedding song. We chose this song because we both had very broken pasts. Almost 12 years later, this song makes even more than it did then.

Today, tomorrow, forever.

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through

I couldn’t see how every sign pointed straight to you
That every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
Yes it did

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I’d like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You’ve been there you understand
It’s all part of a grander plan that is coming true.

I love the moment when God brings life full circle and shows you truth.

I feel like we spend a lot of time in the past, which isn’t always negative. However, when you dwell in the past and won’t let go….well….that is a problem. Are you saying “yeah, but”? Do you feel like you have a really good reason for living in the past? Maybe it’s comfortable. I get it. it’s hard to forgive and move on. It hurts like heck. But guess what? Holding on to past hurts won’t protect you from future hurts.

Guys, I’m stuck here myself but I’m wrestling my way out because I don’t want to be planted in infertile soil anymore. But it seems like even as I’m trying to move forward … to let go of the pain … somehow I get sucked into a black hole.

Here’s what Peter says in Philippians 3:13 “Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead.” Well, there you have it. Looking behind? Living in the past? It’s all a trick of your mind! Remember readers: The enemy attacks through your thoughts so if he can keep you distracted with your past hurts, then you will NEVER live in present happiness. Your life will rot away while you chase the ghost of the past.

Set your mind on the good of your life and stop focusing on the bad and the pain. We all have pain, but the ones who look forward, press on and forgive are set free.

There have been times when I have felt unloved and unwanted and because of lies I believed. Because of this I did some very foolish things. Please hear me: Even when you think no one loves or loved you, God does, and He is there protecting you from the enemy’s lies and manipulation…and from yourself, your own worst enemy.

Dear friends, bust the ghost of the past off and live in the present. Be conscious in present moment because it’s the only truth that exists.

Are there really mistakes in life? Really? If you live in the present then no mistakes can exist. They can’t. Every broken road leads us straight to freedom. If I would not have made all the “mistakes” in my life I would not be me. I earned wisdom through life experiences not a self-help book. I’ve grieved people, situations and lived through death.

How have your “mistakes” set you free? Take a moment to think about it. Maybe even write them down on a piece of paper and bury them in the spring. But bury them for good. Don’t dig them back up and relive the pain.

You are a warrior.

Let go and live in the present.

WHY?

Because the majority of all disease comes from dis- ease.

Because God didn’t bring you out of slavery to leave you entrapped.

Because living in past hurts ages you.

Because it’s exhausting being bitter rather than better.

Because God asks you to forgive so you can be forgiven.

Because the past is over and holds no power over you unless you give it power.

so those are just a few of the why’s and now here are a few of the how’s.

How do I live in present and let go of past?

Pray.

Ask God to show you truth and remove the obsession to hurt yourself over and over and over again.

In her books, Dr. Christiane Northrup discusses studies proving that guilt and shame produce a chemical called ILC. Science is now studying the adverse effects this chemical–these emotions—has in the fascia of our bodies. Your body records your emotional pain, and you live it out in a physical manifestation.

One way to get rid of the stored up emotions is yoga. Personally, when I push myself in exercise I always cry and never understood. Here is the answer: ILC gets released when you stretch the muscles. Northrup also says children who are abused take on their perpetrator’s shame because the perp has no conscious. Dr.Shefali teaches that as children we come here perfect and it’s the adults who mess us up. Bam there it is.

Do yoga. Meditate. Prayer and meditation are God’s plan for successful living. According to the Bible, if we can pray and petition and then shut up and listen, God will show us everything He wants us to do and more.

Do you have children? Do you want to give them everything to help them build beautiful lives? Matthew 7:11 “So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him.”

He wants to see you prosper. Deuteronomy 28:13 “If you listen to these commands of the LORD your God that I am giving you today, and if you carefully obey them, the LORD will make you the head and not the tail, and you will always be on top and never at the bottom.”

John 10:10 The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life”

I would really love to hear back from you.

Comment below

Start living your conscious adventure.

Are you hungry?

How many times do I have to remind myself that there is enough? I come from a long line of feeders! You know, the people who feed you or at least want to feed you. My grandmother was from Romania and anytime she saw you she would ask you if you wanted something to eat. I am not sure why she asked because regardless of the answer she would make you something to eat. Remember that scene in My Big Fat Greek Wedding when the aunt asks if Ian Miller, the non Greek boyfriend, wanted to eat lamb? He replies by telling her that he’s a vegetarian and she says, “Ok, good I’ll make lamb.” It’s hilarious, but people hear what they want to hear. I amusing food metaphors as a launching pad here for understanding the not enough.People in general have a mindset of scarcity and are consumed with fear about not having enough. Let me give you some examples. Have you ever seen the show hoarders? Some of the folks on this show are in so much pain that they hoard whatever makes them feel safe. Americans are literal examples of living in the “not enough” frame of mind. Every Christmas for the last 3 years I have told myself that I am not going to overdo it this year. As you can already assume by that statement, you are correct if you assume that I overdo it. So what’s my point? I am in fear that the people I love won’t have enough to open Christmas morning. The Lord says that fear is not from him. He gives us power and sound minds. That translates into peace. I feel like we live in lack in so many areas of life, not just in our stomachs. Love or the lack of perceived love is the single greatest fear we experience in life. My soul sister, Laurie’s favorite book is The Road Less Traveled. The premise of the book is that love is the only “real“ thing in life and that it’s the only thing that heals people. I believe this is true. Part of the problem is that there is a cycle that has never been broken that started with generation 1, Adam and Eve. In the beginning of time, lies and fear eradicated love or at least created a delusion that there was a lack of love. This gets tricky so try and stay with me. Adam and Eve were happy as larks. They were naked as blue jays, but then something happened. They were lied to and they believed the enemy. Hey guys, the enemy doesn’t always waltz in like an ugly, scary gremlin. Sometimes the temptation lures you in like an innocent child in a candy shop. It’s not always obvious but it is real. Eve ate the apple and shared with Adam and then something happened. They became ashamed and hid. Adam and Eve believed the “not enough” lie. They had everything they could possibly want, perfect bodies, love, food, pets. They had freedom and they lacked nothing except one stinking apple. Their mind set of scarcity allowed them to see the lack which allowed them to fall into the trap. I am sure the enemy did not come in like a wrecking ball. In fact, I am positive he came to them with the seduction of …..Lies. I just want us all today to open our hearts to love. Love heals. Love is real. Love may not be tangible,but it can be felt and given freely. It costs you NOTHING. WHAT IN THIS WORLD COSTS YOU NOTHING? You may say yes it does cost me something. It may cost me my heart. I may get hurt. Here is my rebuttal. Take a chance. I have never loved someone and then was sorry that I did. In fact, the opposite happened. When you love, you become free. When you love, you set up others to love and be set free. It gives you freedom from the fear of “not enough”. Truth bomb. Love may come and go with a person but, and this is a real but, once you love, love never truly leaves. Even if you love and feel like it didn’t work out, you are wrong. When you love, it comes back to you like a boomerang. What you put out always comes back. So try it! Try
and love deeper and see what you get back. Try trusting God with your lack mindset and see what he does. Try stepping out in faith and see what he gives back to you. God wants to bless you not take from you so that you live in the “not enough”.Here is where it gets personal. Here is where I feel the sting of lack. I am not enough. This is the mother load of lies, the lie that we all believe and upon which we base our entire existence. If I had a chance to heal people, this would more than likely be what I would choose. I know the pain of the “I am not enough for you” lie. I think if you went deep inside the root of not enough you would see the enemy laughing when he manipulates the thoughts you hear inside your mind. If you’re not trained to recognize his lies, he will trick you. You will be a puppet to his deception. I want you all to hear this. You are not every single thought you think. Every thought is not always you. I am here to tell you that this is so important. Please perk up and hear the truth. You are enough! You may have some work to do but so does everyone else. It’s just one step at a time and learning to recognize the lies and seeing the truth is one step towards freedom.

Boundaries

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    Life is a cycle of ups and downs, ebbs and flows, and sometimes there’s not so much flow. Humor always makes me feel better about the raw truth. The last three months I have had a tremendous amount of growth, motivation and enlightenment. But now readers, I have hit a wall. I cannot really explain it any other way than this. If you want to be better in body, mind, and spirit, you’re going to have to Work. I wanted to put this out there so when you’re down you can be easy on yourself and remember THE AS IS. Breathe life in and embrace the mask of your life for the moment. Then dig deep and be brave and courageous and get back on the horse again and ride.

    You all know I am a believer in Dr.Shefali and her work. This last week we have been embracing boundaries. The older I get the easier this becomes. I started about 6 months ago realizing that truth and boundaries are very important for my journey through life. Being the people pleaser that I am has led me down a road of lies. Making others satisfied and not myself takes a toll on the soul. The majority of people don’t set up boundaries due to fear.

    The mother of all lies that we tell ourselves is that if we set a boundary then our mother, friend, child or sister won’t love us or will leave us. Friends this is a lie. If the people in your life leave you over a boundary. I have some not so good news for you. They never loved you to begin with. I am so sorry to be so abrupt. I am struggling right now typing this because I really don’t want to hurt anyone. I know that you know this deep down and don’t want to listen to your real self but I feel prompted to remind you. Real love never fails. That does not mean real love is easy or does not want to abandon ship. What it does mean is that on the days that you have just had it with the world and on the days you do not want to talk or even look at your precious loved one, you stay and you fight. You dig deep and forgive time and time and time again, but with evolution, you set boundaries with your love. Let’s be clear, setting boundaries has to come from your heart and not your ego. I tend to at first to set ego boundaries. It’s my way of protecting myself.

    I will never forget the year I endured a bully named Traci at my school. Let me explain. Traci was a newbee to my school and at first I was thrilled to have a new playmate in the mix. My expectation of our tightly knit group was soon to be shattered. Traci decided that she didn’t like me and would call me names, belittle me, exclude me and the list goes on. My mother went to the principle and teachers for help. Mom tried to help but I guess it was the path I was supposed to take, maybe Traci actually toughened me up for the up-coming years of hard knocks? All I know is that I ended up sick that year with heart palpitations and bladder infections. My body couldn’t take the exclusion of friendship and betrayal. You know I don’t think I’ll ever forget what that felt like. I was so sad and lonely. I believed the lies she spread. So here is where the story takes a turn and I learned something about myself. You can push and push and push and I’ll take a lot but eventually….. I will fight back and you will feel my boundary. One day while on the bleachers, Traci was doing her normal crap and something happened. I snapped. I pushed her she pushed back and eventually ended up in an all out fist fight. I was about 50 pounds and she was about 120lbs. She was tall and I was short. Let’s just say that I lost the fight but won the battle. She never messed with me again. In fact, she wanted to be friends and I forgave her but set up major boundaries with my mother’s help. I run into Traci here and there and we are always cordial. I often wonder what she thinks of herself. I assume she learned her ugliness from her family life and if this is the case, I am sorry for her pain.

    The moral of the story here is don’t wait until your get suspended from school or end up with invasive ductile carcinoma to stand up for yourself and fight. There is that saying out there “fight like a girl” and I would like to change that saying to “fight like a warrior”. I don’t know what girls fight like but I’ll fight for the people I love like a brave soldier. You can only be bullied if you let the people around you affect you. You can only get sick if you let your soul suffer. It sounds simple and I know it’s not. Trust me. I have endured suffering like you. But there is a key to Pandora’s box and that is for you to unlock and unfold God’s mystery for your existence. It is right in front of all of us but it takes work. It’s not easy. Listen, abundant life is not given to anyone. Abundant anything takes a soul mission to figure out. It’s putting one foot in front of the other and working it out. The definition of endure is to patiently wait in suffering. That my loves is what God calls you to do. He calls you to patiently walk the road of suffering and stand in the as is of life. I think what matters in life is the fight and the ability to see the good in the ugliness. When I write this next line please know I am writing to myself. Please stop avoiding pain and pretend you’re not living in fear. Embrace the fight. Acknowledge the experience and know that it’s all a part of the plan…the good, the bad and the ugly. I will leave you with this. Have you ever messed up? I mean like royally messed up? I’m talking like it affects everyone kind of messed up? Well, I have and it’s the worst pain of my life. Hurting the ones you love the most is excruciating. In those cowardly moments you’re not a warrior at all you’re the polar opposite. You let others and yourself down and you cause turmoil beyond repair. Now, let me break this to you gently, you’re not alone. Part of the reason why you did whatever you did is because you were afraid of not being loved and afraid of people leaving you. This is the basis of all tragedy. If you want to get off the midnight train going anywhere, then please do. Kick yourself off, but realize that the answer to your question of how and why is simple…forgiveness to yourself and to others. Embrace the love and forgive, I promise you will be set free. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and fight for yourself and the ones you adore.


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The Man in The Arena

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There are many different paths we can take, but the end result is the same if we desire change. That is beautiful. It is generous. It shows me that I don’t have to save everyone with how I think their life process should be.  God is in charge, not me. Thank the Lord.  I mean that is an enormous load.  I have recently seen spiritual growth as not so black and white. I mean I really want a+b to equal c, but it just doesn’t usually work that way.  I’m sorry but just because I am learning about shame, vulnerability, inner child and ego doesn’t mean you’re going to see it today like I do.  It works like this. When the light bulb goes on in your mind and you can see that a person you love is suffering because their bulb (soul) is burnt out, you may have another bulb in hand ready to supply for help because you want to share the joy life really has but unfortunately they have to say yes to the invitation.  

Here is what I have learned.  We all have our own destiny, free will, and choices. It’s a shift in perspective that happens at a moment in time. Change comes down to this. Am I sick and desperate enough to not do this another day? Can I begin to love myself, my true self? We will all have a choice to take the call that God has for us.  When you have beaten yourself bloody and understand that you can’t do it your way and have real joy, then you have to try something else. Not because you’re not bright enough, but because you are blinded by independence. This is freedom.  It all boils down to the shame we live in, the abandonment we are so desperate to try and run from and the fear that pulses through our bodies at any given moment.  I’m not good enough is the underlying vibration of which we are all living. 

I don’t care who you are, if you let me break off the layers, being not good enough is the core reason we are all walking around broken. Brene Brown is a vulnerability researcher and author who says “You’re not perfect, but you are worthy of love and belonging”. I am determined to teach myself and my kids this principle. If I start when they are young, I hope I can teach them not to depend on other flawed humans for their sense of worth. If I can teach them not to carry and bury their perceived shame and to know that they are loved and that anything else they hear in their head is a lie, then Jesus can take the wheel.

You know I went years without reading a book or learning anything new and guess what readers? I was not happy. I was not happy because I was not living in the destiny God had set for me. Folks you are not going to get there watching The Walking Dead.   It took me all these years not to obsessively scour my home in Clorox and clean my floors on my hands and knees. I was a slave to perfection because I was caught up so deeply in the fear and anxiety of not being loved and accepted. By the way, I created that obsession when I was very young but I carried it through my entire life. I am just now improving. If I could control the dirt, I could control people.

Oh if you could hear my laughter. It is absurd. If I could have all the hours back I spent making my life “perfect”. It’s actually really sad to me now.  I could have played a little longer with my kids or read them a book, but no, I had to freaking clean the freaking floor! For what??????  I had to be perfect. It’s all a lie.   If you could learn this now how set free could you be and more importantly your children?  I have this drive to help them suffer, but not the way I have. Yes, I said help them suffer. Not push suffering and discomfort away but let them sit in it.  Be the suffering and embrace the call to truth and freedom that is in the suffering.  It’s not a plague. Your soul knows this. That is why it attracts suffering.  The real you knows it will take you all the way to the top of spirit.

This last 3 months, I have never felt more alive. I recently met a woman that we’ll call Sue. She is adorable and she’s the kind of girl you know that is just kind and sweet. Sue is the perfect example of what God can do with a soul that is desperate and wants change.  Sue told me about her life as an adult dancer. She was in the industry for 5 years.  She said it was like a black hole that sucked her in every time she tried to get out. Sue took shame and turned it into tangible honor.  We recently have been talking more and it has most often been conversations about my blog.  Be honest to yourself and bare your soul and be awakened and vulnerable about the shame you have lived. Expose it, let the light shine in and through it, and it will flee.  I PROMISE.

Let’s go back to lies for a moment.  Shame is the cousin of lies.  Shame has this funny way of wrapping you in chains.  Shame lies and tells you that you’re not good enough and you don’t deserve to be anything other than that which your past defines you. Brene brown says, “The antidote to shame is empathy”  Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. Ok so Brene you’re telling me that relating to someone can kill shame? Relating to others in an arena similar to your own who carry the same ugly cross as yourself is the answer? Know that you are not alone and that you are cared for and loved.

I’m going to link this whole blog today back to one area in your life.  Lies…..please readers stop believing the lies you hear in your own head. “I don’t need anyone to help.”  “I can do this on my own.” “I don’t have a problem.” “Everyone ______.”  “I don’t know how to change, I’m too far in.” Lies, lies, lies. This is exactly how you stay defeated and powerless. If you want change, then stand up and fight!

Here’s some raw truth if you ask anyone who has overcome any issue in their life. I promise you they did not do it alone. People who try to change alone fail every time. why?? They fail because God created us to be relational, period, end of story. There is nothing more gratifying than a relationship that touches your soul.  When you experience true love, no matter what it costs the parties involved, this is healing.  This is how we change the world one love at a time.  Never give up!!! If you’re reading this and you want to change, I encourage you to take the first step and have a little empathy for yourself. Get ready to fight because shame will try and knock you out and put you back in the ring for another round of punches.  Stop decorating your pit and climb out.  We will be all waiting for you at the top throwing down ropes to help you.  You must desire to get out of the pit of shame more than anything. 

It will be arduous, but I promise, love and empathy will set you free. Being honest and truthful with yourself is honestly the first step.  If you’re vulnerable you can beat shame once and for all. You are worthy of love and you don’t have to be perfect.  Here’s to fighting for yourself and for the people you love. I encourage you, if you have loved ones trapped in the pit of shame, implore them to keep fighting. And as for you, stand in the gap and love them.


 

“Love is a Battlefield”

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Growing up for everyone has its own story. I know very few people who have had a wonderful childhood. Most people have feelings of inadequacy, abandonment, fear, not being loved, being unwanted, being controlled and the list grows. By age 17, I had made some absolute agreements with myself. What do I mean by this statement? I had made promises to myself. Promises that I thought were really powerful. Promises that I believed would protect me and set me free from anyone that could potentially hurt me or get in the way of anything I wanted to pursue. I think that when people hurt you, you go either one of two ways, in or out of your soul. I chose out of my soul. I did not know this at the time. It took 32 years to figure this out. I made some promises to myself that, until last week, I didn’t really understand what I had actually told myself and in turn my body suffered.

Recently, I learned some things about spiritual malignancy which, in my mind, is what it really means to be diagnosed with any DIS…. EASE. One theory is that, in our minds, we let ego deviate from the program God has for us. This is spiritual malignancy. Let me dive in here. Marianne Williamson teaches that the cells in the body say things like, “I don’t want to exist as a ‘normal’ cell. I want to be my own separate thing and build up my own mass following.” Here are some of the lies I have told myself. No one is going to boss me around and tell me what to do. I listen to me and my own ideas. I think when you try and replace God with things you will eventually feel the sting. It really depends on how stubborn you are. I apparently am seeing how bull-headed I am. Making those agreements with my ego was very damaging. I thought I was protecting my soul but I was actually destroying it with these agreement lies. God was included in this agreement. I replaced spirit with alcohol and shallow relationships… epic fail. The good news is that nothing is wasted. He works all things for my good. That is a song we sing frequently at my church. It is true. Don’t ever believe the lie that time or self is wasted. It never is. The lord has his inconceivable ways of making our messed up lives beautiful even when we mess them up. Every time we mess it up, he is there as a loving Father connecting all the paths to freedom. All we have to do is say yes to the call of the Holy Spirit. Please keep in mind that undoing what you have done sometimes takes time. So be patient with your life.

Remember that song from the 80’s Love is a Battlefield by Pat Benatar? “We are young heart ache to heartache we stand….. No promises no demands……Love is a battlefield. We are strong…… no one can tell us we are wrong. Searching our hearts for so long… both of us knowing….love is a battlefield. Making me go and making me stay……..Why do you hurt me so bad? It would help me know, if I stand in your way or I am the best you have had, but I’m trapped by your love and chained to your side……we are losing control when you turn me away, touch me deep inside…When this all gets all old will it still feel the same. There is no way this will die…and if we get much closer I could lose control….and if your heart surrenders you will need me to hold”

I know this is a cheesy song and it reveals my age (43) but I love it and can’t help the analogy of it all. This song, to me, is the battle that goes on in our body, mind, and spirit. This song, for me, is the ego vs the soul (real self). When we are young, we move from heart ache to heartache, we stand in awe of the pain and confusion. No promises, no demands until we feel the pain and sting of rejection of love and eventually abandon our soul. LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD. We have such innocent claims to life. We have the highest of hopes. Making me stay and making me go. Why do you hurt me so bad? This line is about the soul wanting to emerge and as it peers out for a moment, that is when we let our guard down and love, but it gets crushed and retreats right back inside and waits for the awakened moment to surface and try again to love. It would help me to know if I stand in your way or the best you ever had. Lol I can’t believe how ironic this song is. Yeah, it would be great to look into the crystal ball of your spirit and ask….. do I stand in your way or am I the best self I could be? We don’t know, especially when we are not awake to the real purpose of life. Who knows accepting our flesh for truth, I am trapped by your love and chained by your side. Yes, yes, yes…… we are trapped by our love of ego and self. It’s all about you, right? Your heart, your love, your desire, you ..you…you? I hope I am not the first one to break this news to you. NOOOOOOOOOOO, it’s not about you. It’s about loving other people. I don’t mean we should not respect and honor ourselves. We absolutely should and this is a very important key to being set free. I mean, lay your life down and love some people! Stop thinking life is all about you and what you want. This is the most dangerous love of self and you’re feeding your ego not your soul. Live like this and I promise you, it’s not if, it’s when your body and mind breakdown you will be forced to deal with the storm you create. Take heart, we all do this and your calling, your will, and your surrender all determine how your own personal journey will end. My prayer for you is to take the call, live out your core desires, and be set free of yourself and the lies you have built to keep yourself safe. There are so many tools out there to do this. The most important tool you will even need is the Holy Spirit. You can’t go wrong when the Holy Spirit guides your path. God is waiting, for you, to answer the call that is already inside of you. All the answers are within your reach. It’s like unlocking a metaphoric door. Your soul is knocking and will keep knocking until you get off your butt and answer the door. God is your soul because we are made in his image and he lives in you. You think he doesn’t want out? To share and love????? He does love. He does.

 

Butterfly Effect

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I want to share with you a little bit about my journey, my thought process, and how I am arriving at some of my beliefs. About a year ago I asked God to show me the truth, set me free, and send me the people and the resources I needed to become the person he created me to be.
It started with Dr.Shefali Tsabary and, by the way, there is never an end to Conscious awareness and life. If you are not actively reading, journaling and transforming than I’m very sorry to be the bearer of bad news but you are not living to the fullest potential God has for you. He is at the door knocking and waiting for you to answer the call. Back to Dr.Shefali, she wrote the books Conscious Parent, The Awakened Family and Out of Control. I have read The Conscious Parent and it is revolutionary. This brilliant woman teaches with ease the beauty in parenting that I was absolutely ignorant to. I first saw her on Super Soul Sunday with Oprah. If you are at all interested in becoming the person God birthed you to be, a few things need to happen. First, seek the lord with all your heart, soul, and might. Second, Get OWN channel (Oprah, Super Soul Sunday). Third, seek out Dr.Shefali. There is a fourth but I will save this for next time. I would highly recommend Dr. Tsabary’s online course, I have been introduced to the idea that our children come to us to raise us, not the other way around, and to help us to evolve. Dr. Shefali ( I am paraphrasing here) says that when we surrender to our outer form which is really our inner child and ego we can then parent from our hearts. She says we choose our parents in order to work out our soul’s purpose. I can tell you that this concept resonates in my being like nothing else I have ever read. It goes very deep into childhood and exposes the ego and how a child behaves and why. She teaches that the moment we want to blame we must look in the mirror. It starts with ourselves. There are patterns in our lives and this is key to figuring out what triggers us since patterns repeat until they are dealt with. Experiences are co-created with our soul inspired by our precious children. Breaking through and transforming to your highest creative life potential is what the journey is truly about. I highly recommend everyone either taking her course or reading all of her books. www.drshefali.com. I am in the middle of a two level course. We are only on week two and it almost feels like a dream. Going back through my life and literally UNLEARNING all the garbage I was fed as a child my entire life.  I am excited to share what I learn and hope you too will feel my enthusiasm and comment below. Here is the bottom line. I prayed for truth, to be set free, and for God to bring me all the people and resources I need to be who he created me to be and this is what I received.
Ok so, today I was listening to a lecturer talk about the butterfly effect. In case you are not familiar with the actual definition, I decided to Google it. The butterfly effect is the sensitive dependence on initial conditions in which a small change in one state of a deterministic nonlinear system can result in a large difference in a later state. In other words, it is the influence exerted on a dynamic system by a small change in conditions. So the butterflies in South America can actually affect weather patterns in the North Pole? And this is science? Yes…and proven science at that. This concept was mind blowing for me. A little butterfly can affect the world one flap at a time.
Readers, I am coming to you today with a heart of love. I want you to see so desperately how powerful you are as a body of people. You can make a difference. We were not created to live alone and I believe we are all a part of the body of Christ which actually means we literally are all one. This is my core belief. What I do to myself I do to you. When I self-hate talk to me, I self-hate talk to you. When I love me, I love you and when I love you, I love me. We can’t pick and choose what part we want to keep and what part we want to discard. We are all one period. Do you want to stop evil and terrorism? Then love your freaking neighbor and yourself. Stop blaming terrorists and look within your own heart. This is not a selfish act of loving yourself. It is doing the work you need to do to see the truth about whom you really are and who God really is. It is laying your life down for the people around you and helping set them free. Set them free from themselves, from the enemy, or from the shadows or from whatever you might call it. I don’t care. It is not important. What is important is that love is the basis of all healing.
Some of you are asking right now, ok, Melissa, what about the man who raped me or about my father who abused me or about my mother who abandoned me. I say this. Live for today in the present moment. Stop living in the past and dwelling on what cannot be changed. I have spent the greater part of my life dwelling and it has given me what I have given myself a very sick soul and physical body. God is using those circumstances to transform you into him but you have to consciously decide you want to be free of your own thoughts. What is pain really? We put so much weight into good and bad. Why is pain equated to suffering? My goodness if we didn’t have suffering we would be living like cavemen still. Honestly, we may not look like cavemen but that is exactly where are hearts would be. Selfish and wanting everyone else to change. If you want your relationships to change it comes from you. It comes from the living God inside of you. Did Jesus suffer? I would say yes!!!! Dr.Shelfali would say that your parents didn’t really know the truth. That they believed all the lies their parents told them and they taught you fear and anxiety, not acceptance and love. Unless you had Jesus as your actual parent, we were all failed. Our parents did not intentionally abuse or neglect us. Just like you don’t intentionally abuse and neglect your relationships. It’s all a part of the process needed for you to see the truth. We are all really perfect inside when we are born and we have to get back to that state. That is truly what life is about. It’s about finding the love that we came here with. Unlearning all the stuff we plastered onto ourselves to survive in a very fallen world and environment.
You have a choice to forgive and be set free or live in fear, anxiety, and misery. You have a choice. You’re not a victim. Some of us chose to be victims and to make our story true. End the novel of misery and abandonment of self. Start a new book which is one of love, joy, and forgiveness. Don’t live another moment giving yourself away. It’s not you. It never was you. You by nature are Christ like. Babies come here perfect. We screw them up by putting layers of manmade materials on them until we no longer see them. We as parents don’t really think about parenting our kids. We just parent like our parents parented and expect them not to be jacked up like us.

I am going to share a piece of me. This piece is no longer mine and I’m happy to let go of it so here goes. Eight years ago I gave birth to a beautiful 8 lbs 11 oz baby boy. I was determined to control him and he was going to sleep through the night by 2 months because all the other “perfect” moms around me had their kids sleeping and I wanted to be perfect like them. By the way, I never knew that I was trying to control him. The underlying point to this is that we parents think we are doing what society tells us we should be doing. Standards are set for us by the masses. I fell into this trap and although I am happy now, it happened as it helped mold me. I am sorry that I forced my baby into feeling my anxiety and fear. So, I followed a method called baby wise. It seemed humane and reasonable, so I followed it to a tee. I’m going to make a very long story short. It didn’t work for us. I literally know at least 10 moms it worked for in my circle. My obsession with controlling my environment and him was an epic fail. When I tell you this child did not sleep longer than 2 hours at a time and screamed in between for a minimum of 45 min to 2 hrs only to fall asleep for 2 hours and repeat, I am not exaggerating. The local Dunkin Donuts knew me as the little lady who drove her screaming infant around hoping he would fall asleep. I was exhausted to the point of depression. I believed the lie that I was a failure and I couldn’t do anything right. It was a lie someone told me growing up on a daily basis, so I believed it. Do you see where I am going here? I will never forget the day that I harshly sat him down on the couch when he was about 1 year old in the middle of the night and screamed at him, “What do you want? What is wrong with you? I can’t take another night.” It obviously didn’t help and he didn’t sleep through the night for another 2 years. He ended up with heavy metal poison physically, but that’s not what happened on a soul level. This is what I want you to see about your kids, your loved ones, and your not so loved ones. They will manifest what you need them to be in order to help you evolve into who God designed you to be. Let me explain. Camden was acting out the way I felt on the inside. My eldest child was 12 and living in New York City with his father and I felt abandoned and scared. My husband’s business was on the verge of bankruptcy and I had just battled breast cancer. Are you kidding me? I was a living ball of Hell. I was scared but wouldn’t admit it and I lived in that state for years. If you would have asked me, I would have denied it because I used to lie to myself all the time. So this precious baby came to me willing to suffer so I could move past my fear and past my desire to control him. He felt my energy of fear and at night he let it out, screaming for hours on end. Children come here connected especially to their mom. My hurricane became his hurricane of epic proportion. These precious children take on your vibration, your energy and make it their own. This is how they communicate. Remember science says children don’t even know until about 6 months that they are not you. In other words, they are clueless that they are their own individual person and not their environment. Camden was angry, stubborn, and miserable and so was I. I was failing at it all. My kids, my husband and even my body was a failure. He was interrupting my soul. He was mimicking my soul’s cry for help. He was screaming at night for me. All I can say readers is, “awaken”. See the truth. God sends your miracles every day, you just have to open them up. Listen to your heart. Pray, meditate, and ask the lord to show you the truth. Don’t take my advice. Ask the Lord of the universe to show you truth and open your soul to the power God has for you today. Every day is a miracle.

Open the door

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I wrote a few weeks about my life patterns. How I chose a specific journey to keep my story true. The story with all the lies interconnected to my sub-conscious. The drinking pretty much always ended up with a familiar story. I would call my sister at 2 am and end up crying. Very simple. She would talk me off the cliff of my misery. I would pass out, wake up the next day and repeat. I had a season of life where drinking was an everyday part of who I was and I was totally ok with that scenario. I can tell you that my sister Jilene prayed for me. Jilene prayed audacious prayers while I wondered through the wilderness and spiraled thru the years. I have the lord to thank for her unwillingness to give up on me. She never left me. She later told me when she would get off the phone, she would sob and pray. Telling the enemy he could not have me. I said before the detail about who, how and why don’t actually matter and because it would hurt people in my life I have chosen to leave names and specific situations out. Because the point of this blog is for me to share what I have learned and overcome not expose other people’s stories and truth is we all attracted what we need to move forward in our story. See, you have a choice. Albeit a hard one, you can chose life or death. It’s up to you. Typically, some catastrophe has to take place to jolt ones awareness into consciousness. For me divorce was not enough. Although it did take a enormous chip off the exterior. 6 years after the divorce I was diagnosed with Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. I was 32 years old and this was not supposed to happen to me. So I believed it not to be a positive experience. I remember the night the doctor called and crying myself to sleep. The feeling of complete and utter devastation and my body, myself causing me so much pain. I had many other times of pain but never had I had myself to blame and oh did I blame……ME. Yeah, cancer did it for me. On top of a new marriage followed by a new business and a preteen child. Need I say more? People always ask me the same question? Oh, my gosh Melissa, where you not scared???? The long and short of that question is yes, I was scared but I didn’t live there. See my mother up till that point had breast cancer in the same breast 3X. I remember watching Oprah and she interviewed an author who wrote about eastern countries that had extremely low cancer percentage in their countries and I was like oh than all we have to do is eat right. Bought 4 of those books gave them to my sisters and mom and well……I solved our problems of getting cancer. Problem is……. Eating is not the only reason why I got cancer. It is interconnected however and I eventually teach my readers the art of balancing your life. Cancer is actually a sick soul. You can’t live in the unconscious and be healthy I’m sorry friends but it just works that way. I am not saying your are going to attract heart disease, cancer, diabetes and the such but I am saying if you don’t live consciously you will use the wrong tools in your belt to deal with who you are. I’m talking about stuffing your soul with garbage. There is not one person alive who doesn’t do this and people are walking around blind and God wants to set you free. This is part of why he put you on earth. Work through your stuff and help others. That is it!!! Problem is we get stuck in our story of lies and we believe the lie. The food, drinks, gossip, lies, jealousy, drugs, dependency, shopping, dying marriage, rebellious children, worry, anxiety, whatever we do to stuff the pain and avoid the work of evolving. Some people like me have to have attracted cancer to breakthrough. I have a confession however, life got harder after cancer and although I was aware that my soul was sick and I even knew why I attracted cancer I didn’t know how to heal. I mean I thought I was healing and eating and my connection with the God was pretty solid. So why after 10 years and 7 months later did a biopsy reveal I had pre cancer cells? Are you kidding me, I was actually mad. That news threw me a biggest curve ball, I remember me and my husband celebrating the 10 year anniversary and me think yup, I kicked your butt cancer. So proud and almost invincible I thought I had figured how to stay disease free. Truth is I had a door in front of me. Would I insert the key or abandon myself once again? Awwwwww, this time was different a sort of unbridled adventure and I knew it was such a time as this that I was called. Called to open the door God set before me and live freely without fear. We have choice in life and its either a live of fear or the life of love as my friend laurie says. There is not in-between there in only the reckoning of our souls.

Laying the foundation

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I am pretty sure it all started as a young child with divorced parents. Details do not matter because we all have “stuff” we must overcome. The sad part of reality is that you don’t even know your losing yourself while it is happening. It Is so gradual. One day your picking daisy’s for your mommy and the next thing you know your drinking yourself into la la land or whatever it “is” that you do to mask the pain. What I am working toward in this blog is simple. You must work at chipping away at the exterior of who you think you are and get to the real child inside. Children are beaming with energy and light and so are you, you just do not know it yet. They know more than we realize or give them credit for. It is in this time of a child’s life that we seem to put them in boxes. All kinds of boxes. Control, fear, and anxiety are the ones I am the most familiar with that are deeply imbedded inside of me. As I grow, and chip away at the shell of my soul, I am seeing truth. Truth that I want to share. Nothing goes in vain, nothings is lost or broken if you do not allow it to plant in your heart and grow. Have ever had the nagging feeling that something just wasn’t right? That your relationship were not really working? You are yelling at your precious kids and deep down your angry at yourself and you don’t understand why? I want to be the best I can be a be the person God created me to be and if you want that too its very simply. You will have to surrender your heart and soul and know…. you will have to dig deep. You may even have to shut up and listen.

I waited my whole life for God to use me. I prayed—even begged—for God to
show me what he wanted me to do. Finally, a lifetime of prayers was answered on
April 6, 2006. My journey was set before me not by God’s voice booming in my
ear, but by a surgeon’s voice over the telephone giving me the incomprehensible
news that I had cancer.
Lord, I prayed, I’m not ready to go. I have a child, husband, sisters, parents,
friends, please have mercy on me.
While I felt a mixture of shock, numbness, anxiety and fear of the unknown, I
KNEW beyond a shadow of a doubt that God would turn this ugly cancer into
something beautiful. This was the true beginning of my journey, and I knew that
God was going to use my battle for His glory and to bring others closer to Him.
I wish I could say over the next year my faith was so great that I didn’t get scared
and angry, but I suffered many weak moments in which I felt that God had deserted
me. I knew then and believe even more firmly now that in those moments the devil
sought to separate me from my faith and God’s promises, and I had to put my
armor on and keep fighting.
God taught me through my battle with cancer that true health requires a strong
body/spirit connection. Healing must start on the inside. Dealing with the
brokenness inside was far more terrifying than surgery, radiation, and chemo, but I
l was learning that if I wanted healing, I needed to be obedient. God would lay out
the steps for me, and I needed to surrender completely and follow them one by one.
In this blog, my goal is to encourage you wherever you are in your journey, no
roadblock is significant enough to deter you from following the path God has laid
out for you. You found your way to this book for a reason. Whether you are
suffering from a physical ailment, a broken heart, a lifetime of abuse, addiction,
insecurity or any other issues, God wants to work those things for good in your
life. God wants to use your story to help others. Let him. What is God asking you to chip away today? Write it down or comment below.

The Journey Begins

I could tell you all the details of my life as a child,teen and early adulthood but for today the details do not matter. What matters is that what I have ultimately learned and what this blog is really about. I am going to take you though a journey of cancer, raising children, marriage and finding my true self. Some days the writings will be long and arduous and other days quick and tasty.

Here is the deal. If your sick and tired of being ________ (fill in the blank) and want to be set free then take this journey with me…… listen, I am not saying its OK if someone hurt your or left your holding your heart. I not saying that you have not betrayed yourself even. You may have to forgive yourself for some terrible things you have done consciously or unconsciously. what I am saying is this……..YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR HOW YOU FEEL AND THE MOMENT YOU GIVE YOUR ENERGY AWAY TO ANOTHER PERSON YOU ARE GOING TO BECOME SOMEONE YOU TRULY ARE NOT DESTINED TO BE. If your are going to be the person God created you to be its gonna take HARD WORK. I wont try and convince you how to live but I will share who I am, how I made the choice to start this blog and how I evolved into who I am today. Transparency matters to me.

Now, take a deep breath. I will eventually give you some tools in your belt to live a mindful, present, conscious and vivacious life. God is the ONLY reason I am alive and healed and to God I give all the glory.
I will be discussing healthy living, food healers, holistic life approach and conscious living.