Perfectly Imperfect

 

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/karen-talavera/carrot-coffee-egg-parable_b_1107628.html

Carrot egg coffee

I would like give a shout out to the infamous Chris Russo, spinning instructor of the stars in Niles Ohio. #blackboxspinning. Chris told the story about the egg, carrot and coffee bean one Monday morning, and I fell in love with the idea that I was one of these three nouns. I made a note to blog about this in the future and moved on. 

Which brings me to yesterday when I reviewed the story of the carrot, egg and coffee bean. Hopefully you read the link above and follow as I dive into the heart of this blog. 

I realized something when I read the article. I really was hoping I was the coffee bean affecting everyone around me with my aroma and taste. However, I am all three at different times. Depending on the variables in my life, I have been the carrot starting out hard and brought to my knees only to be soft and mushy. I believe God has allowed this to soften my heart. If I allowed you to see into my heart, it’s not always pretty, but I am still alive and breathing. 

I have been the egg: a hard outer shell with a liquid center that heat changed to a hard center. I am not proud of this state but again God uses every situation for the good of all. What the enemy wants to use to destroy your life with hardened hearts and mindsets, God sets free.

My deceased step mother would often say about people, “They are legends in their own mind.” That’s me with the coffee bean. I can only endeavor to impact others. I know that I am human. I realize that I fail daily but I know that being all three is what God wants from me because through the mistakes of the egg and carrot I will learn compassion.

The coffee bean is really the closest to perfection which is why I struggle with it. Sometimes I am tasty and aromatic and others times no so much. He uses all things to grow us good and bad. In a perfect world we could just be born the bean and be robots in the Kingdom, or we can suffer and learn what love really is and help others. Not changing who he made me and using me with my gifts, talents and faults at the same time.  

When I was in my 20’s I realized that perfection was making me miserable. I thought I understood it but honestly not until I gave birth 3 times and was worn down by the beauty of the chaos of life did see I the real truth of being perfect to the outside world: It was an attempt to show the world I was worthy. Why until I was 43 did I feel like I have to be perfect all the time? To be loved my family and friends? If I have to be perfect to earn their love, I may as well die now. It’s a futile attempt. It will never happen. I am perfectly imperfect. Not ashamed and honored to be broken in the circle of life. I am blessed and reminded by the people in my life that perfection is not ideal. God literally brings me daily situations with people in my life and myself that I see the struggle we carry with wanting life to go exactly the way we want it to go. 

As I am always honest here I struggle too wanting no discomfort in my life. I know on the outside it’s actually comfy to wear but at the heart of perfection are the ugly sisters insecurity, control and jealously. Control is perfection’s bff. Because we have all convinced ourselves that if we can control everyone and everything, life will be perfect. Perfect means no pain right? No it’s a lie and I’m tired of pretending that perfection is welcomed in my life. I am hell bent on teaching my kids it’s ok to fail. To get up and try again. I refuse to let perfection haunt my kids like it has me causing me to be an approval whore.

Am I not good enough?  Am I the only flawed person walking earth?  Here’s a thought: Maybe if I whore myself out and do everything for everyone perfectly and wear myself out people will love me, choose me. Right? Perfection is a mask we wear. It makes me feel better about myself. I don’t think perfection is a gift. Striving to be perfect  has given me so much anxiety in life that I simply have let it go. Doesn’t matter if I want my life to be perfect it or not. I fail every day. I am human and I wear this earth suit around called skin so why not embrace my imperfections and just be?

There is a fine line between accepting my idea of perfectionism and laying it all out and down and letting God show me the truth. I choose God. We are all born with a certain path but I believe that we don’t have to decorate our pit that we choose to live in with perfection. I am perfectly imperfect, and I want to tattoo this on my body to be reminded it’s ok that I forgot an appointment or a kid at school. Judgement comes from perfection, and there is only one judge and it’s not me.

So, friends, here is to letting go of the pain that perfection brings. Please stop listening to the voice in your head that tries to lure you into killing your soul to be perfect. It’s not from a good source. That voice in fact is not really you. If you can hear it how can it be you? Funny huh? Recognize the voice but don’t digest everything you hear it say. Chew on this perfection bologna and see what you come up with. You might think I’m nuts, but there is freedom I promise you on the other side of perfection.

Lets look at the word perfect what does it really mean? What does God say about the word?

Greek translation:

téleios (an adjective, derived from /télos, “consummated goal”) – mature, from going through the necessary stages to reach the end-goal, i.e. developed into a consummating completion by fulfilling the necessary process or a spiritual journey.

teleios: having reached its end, i.e. complete, perfect

This root (tel-) means “reaching the end (aim).” It is well-illustrated with the old pirate’s telescope, unfolding (extending out) one stage at a time to function at full-strength (capacity effectiveness).

Wow, so I am now even more convinced that God intended perfection as a means to an end. You’re called to work on your spiritual self as necessary stages but it a process. Sounds like when you take your last breath your life that is full of imperfection will then be perfect. So shout out to my soul sister Laurie who has taught me there is collateral beauty in the mess and life is a journey not a destination.

I want to thank god for my imperfections, lessons, and pain. I would still be 5 years old in pain and never would have escaped the torture of life. Life (God) knocked me over only to help me up. That is what life is about. Falling down and having the heart of forgiveness beside you.

Let me end on this thought:  Can we work on loving and forgiving?  Isn’t it harder to be pissed off all the time? It is for me. I choose peace and if you’re in my life and know me personally I am sorry for my imperfection. I may leave you sitting in the salon while I am spinning. I may forget my appointment to have my teeth cleaned. I may forget to leave a gallon of shampoo on the porch for you to pick up. I may tell you to come the house for an appointment when I really mean salon. I may leave you at school when I was supposed to pick you up. I may forget your swim suit when invited to a swim party. I may cut too much hair off and you ask me to tape it back on. I may yell at you and feel bad later. I may have expired food in my fridge and put it on your ham sandwich. I may not communicate with you as well as I should. I may not call you back immediately when you call. I may leave you out of a conversation or get together on accident. I may be pissed at you and judge you a few days weeks or months but eventually forgive. I may hate life for the moment when I am in pain. I may not like when you wake up and turn on the tv when I am trying to write, pray or meditate. I may swear (a lot). I may not close the cupboards. I may not visit often. I may not respect you as you require. I may still remember the pain you caused.  I may hold you to your word. I may be hard on you. I may gossip about you and feel terrible about it. I may screw up daily but I love fiercely and passionately. I will fight to the bitter end.  I am capable of seeing the truth and my faults. I will never lay down and give up on myself or anyone I love. I will hold you when you cry and cry with you. I will forgive my perpetrators and run the race with you and never leave you.

Side note: If you are not willing to work on yourself, I may set boundaries with you but it doesn’t mean I don’t love you.

Back to point. I am someone who you can fight with and still love. This is who I am. Take me or leave me; I won’t let it affect me. It’s ok if you don’t like me all the time. Chances are I don’t like you all the time but I love you. Readers, I would truly appreciate some feedback. Share some stories. Expose your heart. Take a giant leap of faith and be you. Spinning instructor, Chris Russo said just today “We are not always given what we want rather what we need.” God knows how to stretch you…..LET HIM.

 

Rebirth like an Eagle

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXTrWPvP0iQ

 

I recommend you watch the link above before you read this post.

I feel like the rebirth of the eagle is not just an act of nature but an obviously life happening of which we could all live by. I am 43.  I am going to be truthful something really did change when I turned 40. Kind of similar to the eagle. My body,hair,skin,mind and thoughts, they all changed.  You look into the mirror one day, notice a few wrinkles, cellulite and a whole lot of sagging. In my personal mirror, I see bags and dark circles. They are unwanted friends. None the less they are present. I tend to wish a lot about my past especially in this area. I wish I was 20 again but to be honest only for my youth and collagen not my mind or wisdom. I started spinning again the first week of January. It’s been amazing. It has helped me not slip into depression in the winter, shed a few pounds. The most important aspect of Black Box spinning gym is the instructors.  The philosophy they hold and the impact they make. It’s not just spinning….. its spiritual. I mean practically every time I spin, I shed a tear. I know this sounds strange but while training on a bike or really any sport that you are pushing yourself, you have some choices to make. Understand that either choice is the right one. You can set back chill or you can fight sweat,cry, push and spin. I feel as while I climb the hills, I am climbing life’s problems. You know the times when you are climbing (fighting) for your family and you want to quit and pull off a few gears because it burns? I don’t know why but climbing to me is such a challenge it reminds me of fighting for my oldest son. Through many many obstacles in his life. I hope he knows that even though he is out of the house, I may be silent and not say much these days but I am battling the enemy in prayer. On those hills, I am kicking the enemy’s butt. I won’t let him win!!!!!!! Chris Russo is a spin instructor at Black Box and though she is an instructor. Although I don’t know her well, I can tell you she is much much more that a spin instructor. She is packed full of wisdom. Full of god and the holy spirit shines through her. I can see it. She talks while she teaches, which in itself is a feat. I can barely count little alone talk. So, props to Chris she is amazing. One Monday she shared the story of the eagle. The eagle at the age 40 has to decide if it wants to die or live another 30 years. The eagle must fly to a mountain top and fight through the pain of banging his beak off, wait for a new one to sprout. Next he must pull out his talons and grow new ones. Finally, he must pluck out feathers that are thick and heavy. Are you for real? I am pretty sure 99 percent of all Americans would die at 40 years old. Would you pluck off all your skin or pound your nose till it was a bloody stump?  How about pulling your nails off?  Pure torture. Straight up served on a ugly platter. My first response was no but as I started to really think about it I realized although we don’t have the extreme physical rebirth the eagle does, we do hold the same choice in our spirit and mind. I could give you personal examples of cancer, divorce, heavy metal poisoned child, alcohol abuse, anxiety, depression, eating disorder, Adhd diagnosis, death, emotional and physical abuse and that is just my family. Tragedy is everywhere. It does not discriminate. It does not have boundaries and it will eat anyone alive what thinks they are exempt. One of my dearest friends lost a child after a battle of cancer. She did not pass on because of cancer. She past on from a systemic yeast infection that the doctors missed. Her Mother tried tell them,  of which no one would listen to her. Side note here if your a medical professional and a mother tells you something is wrong with her child YOU NEED TO LISTEN.  Please allow me pause here and give my deepest sympathies to my dear friend and her precious family. I am pretty sure losing a child is the worst most devastating thing a mother can live through.  I have only known her for 3  years but maybe 8 years go my husband came home from work one day. He told me the story of this little girl and her family.  Trevor  said” Melissa we have to pray for her.” So, we prayed.  I can remember crying for my friend. How she must have been hurting. I did not know her then but I sure do now. This was a bond that linked our hearts long before I ever laid eyes on her. I will never forget when I realized she was the mama and baby I prayed for. We actually both cried in the middle of a Packard Music hall. It blows me away that god brought us together not exactly sure why but someday we both will. She had a choice she could have been swallowed up by grief but she did not. This woman is the purest example of the eagle in my opinion. Although, the pain was and is horrendous she flew to the mountain top and pounded off her beak of depression. Tore out her talons of fear and plucked out every feather of anxiety. To date, she talks and beams with light. I mean true light. She honors her daughter by talking about her and keeping her memory alive with stories of baby girl.  The life she lived and the love she gave to everyone. Kind of like her mama really. I never even meet this precious child but I am telling you I feel like I know her. Sometimes I even think I feel her when her mama talks of her and shares her heart and memory. I am honored to be a part of her story. I don’t know if she knows it or not she inspires so many with her fight to press on in life. Not forgetting what happened but remembering the love they shared and the lives baby girl touched. My friend was pregnant and didn’t know it before baby girl passed on. God gave them a gift in that new baby. I believe they are one. That baby girl is living thru her sister. He gave that family a dose of joy and hope knowing that the years to come would be arduous and painful. Having a little joy in the midst of the storm is all we can ask for in times of pain. I love you heather. I admire your strength. Your heart. Your will to never give up!!! You are a 44 year old soaring eagle that is the glue in holding your family together.

Walk Away

Walk away walk away walk away…. This what I hear in my head when every fiber in my being wants to rip someone a new one.

I am growing in this area so this doesn’t always happen. While I used to have to have the last word, as I grow in wisdom and in years the impulse is much quieter.

I talk about heart break a lot because it’s a vulnerable subject that we tell ourselves is place too scary to visit and full of baggage we don’t want to unpack.

Well, I do. I’m tired of living a pretend life and not calling a spade a spade. Vulnerability means exposing yourself, and I am ok with that, but I have to tell you: YOU’RE GONNA FIND PEOPLE WHO WILL RUN FOR THE HILLS OVER THIS.

You have friends–really sweet friends–who will throw you under the bus to stay hidden and safe. This blog is for my brave warriors who venture out of the cave and into the light of adventure. You remember the conscious adventure. That is what this blog is about being conscious and I won’t EVER apologize for it.

If you’re reading this and you’re not comfortable being exposed and conscious? It’s ok. There is no judgement here just love. One stipulation: This is where I am and I’m not turning back. It’s ok if we have different opinions. This is called life, and we all better buck up.

I used to be the young mom when Julian was little, but now I am the older mom. At first, I didn’t even know, but at the first school party it became very apparent. But as I always remind myself I would not trade these years for all the gold in china. EVER.

When Julian was little he was bullied by some kids at school, and sadly it never stopped till he moved away and then came back. The first day the longtime bully Logan tried to pull some crap again. Except this time he got a whole new Julian. Julian learned that he was not the names he was called nor did he have to take crap from anyone. The bullying ended that day when Julian addressed Logan and gave him a piece of his mind. That day represented a mile stone for him. He became conscious that he was no longer going to let Logan let him effect him another moment.

Why is it that when bullies are confronted they cower? I’m so proud of him for not taking the abuse any longer. We have to teach our kids not to plant in our hearts what other people say about us. This may be a little shocking but even what we tell our kids about themselves. Sometimes we build these egos in our kids and when then get out in the real world no one else sees them the way we do and it hurts and all the praise and all the effort comes crashing down. I am not saying not to praise your kids just be conscious. I always come back to this mantra prayer: God, show me the truth of who I am. I am not perfect and there are things I need to work on to be more conscious. My friend Laurie used to have to remind me that life is a journey and not a destination, and that has gotten me through a lot of hard times. She is 10 years older than me and has a lot more wisdom and has helped me through some tough days. Happy Birthday love. Your truly are the sunshine I prayed for and I thank you for being probably the most Christ like person I know with your unconditional love.

Knowing that the moment the crap flies is not the end but just the next step in the journey and the end…well, that’s really just the beginning, helps keep things in perspective.

Keep your eye on the prize, loves. This life may seem long and arduous, but in the blink of an eye, it’s over. Forever is what really matters. How you treat people is what really matters. Having integrity is what really matters. I won’t even get into what doesn’t matter because God will show you in some not so easy ways. He loves you, but He is your daddy and He will discipline you. We all pay. Some people call it karma I just call Him God. Let go of what you think God is and ask Him to show you who He is; He will. He’s waiting. He is so patient.

I hope someday I don’t have to have the last word, be right, be judgmental, gossip, whatever it is that makes me flawed. I am just thankful for now I am forgiven.

The Broken Road

August 27, 2005.

When I married Trevor Berry, this was our wedding song. We chose this song because we both had very broken pasts. Almost 12 years later, this song makes even more than it did then.

Today, tomorrow, forever.

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through

I couldn’t see how every sign pointed straight to you
That every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
Yes it did

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I’d like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You’ve been there you understand
It’s all part of a grander plan that is coming true.

I love the moment when God brings life full circle and shows you truth.

I feel like we spend a lot of time in the past, which isn’t always negative. However, when you dwell in the past and won’t let go….well….that is a problem. Are you saying “yeah, but”? Do you feel like you have a really good reason for living in the past? Maybe it’s comfortable. I get it. it’s hard to forgive and move on. It hurts like heck. But guess what? Holding on to past hurts won’t protect you from future hurts.

Guys, I’m stuck here myself but I’m wrestling my way out because I don’t want to be planted in infertile soil anymore. But it seems like even as I’m trying to move forward … to let go of the pain … somehow I get sucked into a black hole.

Here’s what Peter says in Philippians 3:13 “Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead.” Well, there you have it. Looking behind? Living in the past? It’s all a trick of your mind! Remember readers: The enemy attacks through your thoughts so if he can keep you distracted with your past hurts, then you will NEVER live in present happiness. Your life will rot away while you chase the ghost of the past.

Set your mind on the good of your life and stop focusing on the bad and the pain. We all have pain, but the ones who look forward, press on and forgive are set free.

There have been times when I have felt unloved and unwanted and because of lies I believed. Because of this I did some very foolish things. Please hear me: Even when you think no one loves or loved you, God does, and He is there protecting you from the enemy’s lies and manipulation…and from yourself, your own worst enemy.

Dear friends, bust the ghost of the past off and live in the present. Be conscious in present moment because it’s the only truth that exists.

Are there really mistakes in life? Really? If you live in the present then no mistakes can exist. They can’t. Every broken road leads us straight to freedom. If I would not have made all the “mistakes” in my life I would not be me. I earned wisdom through life experiences not a self-help book. I’ve grieved people, situations and lived through death.

How have your “mistakes” set you free? Take a moment to think about it. Maybe even write them down on a piece of paper and bury them in the spring. But bury them for good. Don’t dig them back up and relive the pain.

You are a warrior.

Let go and live in the present.

WHY?

Because the majority of all disease comes from dis- ease.

Because God didn’t bring you out of slavery to leave you entrapped.

Because living in past hurts ages you.

Because it’s exhausting being bitter rather than better.

Because God asks you to forgive so you can be forgiven.

Because the past is over and holds no power over you unless you give it power.

so those are just a few of the why’s and now here are a few of the how’s.

How do I live in present and let go of past?

Pray.

Ask God to show you truth and remove the obsession to hurt yourself over and over and over again.

In her books, Dr. Christiane Northrup discusses studies proving that guilt and shame produce a chemical called ILC. Science is now studying the adverse effects this chemical–these emotions—has in the fascia of our bodies. Your body records your emotional pain, and you live it out in a physical manifestation.

One way to get rid of the stored up emotions is yoga. Personally, when I push myself in exercise I always cry and never understood. Here is the answer: ILC gets released when you stretch the muscles. Northrup also says children who are abused take on their perpetrator’s shame because the perp has no conscious. Dr.Shefali teaches that as children we come here perfect and it’s the adults who mess us up. Bam there it is.

Do yoga. Meditate. Prayer and meditation are God’s plan for successful living. According to the Bible, if we can pray and petition and then shut up and listen, God will show us everything He wants us to do and more.

Do you have children? Do you want to give them everything to help them build beautiful lives? Matthew 7:11 “So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him.”

He wants to see you prosper. Deuteronomy 28:13 “If you listen to these commands of the LORD your God that I am giving you today, and if you carefully obey them, the LORD will make you the head and not the tail, and you will always be on top and never at the bottom.”

John 10:10 The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life”

I would really love to hear back from you.

Comment below

Start living your conscious adventure.

Looking For Love


Looking for love in all wrong places
Looking for love in too many faces Searching their eyes,
looking for traces Of what I’m dreaming of
Hoping to find a friend and a lover
I’ll bless the day I discover Another heart looking for love

Do you remember that song? Johnny Lee wrote that gem. I don’t know exactly why I love music so much, but I do. I have not heard that song in 20 years and yesterday it popped in my head and I can’t stop running the lyrics through the maze of my consciousness. I will always remember being a little girl and splashing water on my face to make myself look sweaty. I would wrap a red bandanna around my head and play the guitar to the radio in secret. I came from a religious home and growing up in the 80’s I was not permitted to listen to “devil music”. Of course, Hot FM 101 was the station of choice and I listened anyway. I think that was my earliest memory of wanting to be someone else, a rock star. I craved the attention and the reward of being so admired by others for my talent. The unfortunate truth is that I was not admired by anyone and I knew it. Actually I still know it. Why do we want the people in our lives to love and adore us? I can’t speak for you, but for me, it is about love. Through the years I looked for love in all the wrong places. I knew the sting of rejection but I still went after them, hoping and wanting to be someone’s precious whatever, like a stupid Disney princess. I wanted to be loved and adored. It’s all a lie. It doesn’t really exist. Why should it really? We are all human and we all fall short. Maybe you have a pedestal you sit on, but trust me I don’t. I am about as real as they come. I am 43 and I’m not apologizing for not being who you want me to be. I am me and I accept me. It has come at a cost, but I am brave enough to own it. Like Brene Brown says “I am not perfect but I am worth love and belonging”. Yup, that is me. Look how chubby I am. Look at my wrinkles. I hate these bags under my eyes. Why am I so swollen and why do I have these dark circles? I’m short. Oh my gosh! I’m so tired of the voices!! Lol No, but seriously the voices in your head that tell you you’re a loser. I’m so sick of her. I just want to love and be loved and this darn standard I have created for myself. I am so tired, literally exhausted trying to be pretty. What happens when the music fades?? what happens when your beauty leaves you? Who are you then? What are you basing your worth on in life? What is left??? YOUR BEAUTIFUL SOUL is what is left!!!!WHY CAN WE NOT SEE THIS? Where does this come from? The never good enough saga continues. I want to dedicate this blog to all my girls who are good enough but refuse to believe it and this Includes myself. You have the girls who own their appearance no matter what the size and look and don’t give a crap. Then you have the girls who act like they don’t care but desperately do and are miserable trying to figure it out. Then you have the girls who are obviously so insecure and don’t even try and hide it. Sweet girl, whoever you are, you are loved. God created you and has a specific plan for your life. Big, small, skinny, and yes fat. Wrinkled, smooth, tight, or stretched to hell. It doesn’t matter. The real fact is the moment you take your last breath your shell is just going to begin to rot. I know it’s a terrible thought. This ridiculous body is not you. You are not your skin. Your soul lives on and that’s what counts.Let me ask you this. How much time do you spend doing soul work? The average woman spends 55 minutes a day getting ready. That’s 19,360 minutes a year! That is 322 hours a year getting ready. Oh my gosh, are you serious? How much time do you spend getting your soul ready? I googled that and I’m sorry but there is not an answer. No one even cares enough to do a study on FOREVER.
We have this so wrong. Three hundred twenty two hours a year on superficial bull and what, maybe 5 min a week thinking about soul choices and lifestyles? I am not exempt from this, but please all of us need to see the truth and be set free from ourselves and the bondage we put on ourselves. I mean I do hair for a living. I spend 30 hours a week making people feel like they look good or are at least happy tricking themselves into feeling that this stupid, dead protein coming out of their skull matters. It does matter. I know. I just want the soul to matter more.
Question of the day? What are your hiding behind? What are you tricking yourself into believing? Have you fallen off your own pedestal? Comment below and we will walk through this together. Follow me on Facebook, WordPress, Twitter, or Tumbler at The Conscious Adventure.

Are you hungry?

How many times do I have to remind myself that there is enough? I come from a long line of feeders! You know, the people who feed you or at least want to feed you. My grandmother was from Romania and anytime she saw you she would ask you if you wanted something to eat. I am not sure why she asked because regardless of the answer she would make you something to eat. Remember that scene in My Big Fat Greek Wedding when the aunt asks if Ian Miller, the non Greek boyfriend, wanted to eat lamb? He replies by telling her that he’s a vegetarian and she says, “Ok, good I’ll make lamb.” It’s hilarious, but people hear what they want to hear. I amusing food metaphors as a launching pad here for understanding the not enough.People in general have a mindset of scarcity and are consumed with fear about not having enough. Let me give you some examples. Have you ever seen the show hoarders? Some of the folks on this show are in so much pain that they hoard whatever makes them feel safe. Americans are literal examples of living in the “not enough” frame of mind. Every Christmas for the last 3 years I have told myself that I am not going to overdo it this year. As you can already assume by that statement, you are correct if you assume that I overdo it. So what’s my point? I am in fear that the people I love won’t have enough to open Christmas morning. The Lord says that fear is not from him. He gives us power and sound minds. That translates into peace. I feel like we live in lack in so many areas of life, not just in our stomachs. Love or the lack of perceived love is the single greatest fear we experience in life. My soul sister, Laurie’s favorite book is The Road Less Traveled. The premise of the book is that love is the only “real“ thing in life and that it’s the only thing that heals people. I believe this is true. Part of the problem is that there is a cycle that has never been broken that started with generation 1, Adam and Eve. In the beginning of time, lies and fear eradicated love or at least created a delusion that there was a lack of love. This gets tricky so try and stay with me. Adam and Eve were happy as larks. They were naked as blue jays, but then something happened. They were lied to and they believed the enemy. Hey guys, the enemy doesn’t always waltz in like an ugly, scary gremlin. Sometimes the temptation lures you in like an innocent child in a candy shop. It’s not always obvious but it is real. Eve ate the apple and shared with Adam and then something happened. They became ashamed and hid. Adam and Eve believed the “not enough” lie. They had everything they could possibly want, perfect bodies, love, food, pets. They had freedom and they lacked nothing except one stinking apple. Their mind set of scarcity allowed them to see the lack which allowed them to fall into the trap. I am sure the enemy did not come in like a wrecking ball. In fact, I am positive he came to them with the seduction of …..Lies. I just want us all today to open our hearts to love. Love heals. Love is real. Love may not be tangible,but it can be felt and given freely. It costs you NOTHING. WHAT IN THIS WORLD COSTS YOU NOTHING? You may say yes it does cost me something. It may cost me my heart. I may get hurt. Here is my rebuttal. Take a chance. I have never loved someone and then was sorry that I did. In fact, the opposite happened. When you love, you become free. When you love, you set up others to love and be set free. It gives you freedom from the fear of “not enough”. Truth bomb. Love may come and go with a person but, and this is a real but, once you love, love never truly leaves. Even if you love and feel like it didn’t work out, you are wrong. When you love, it comes back to you like a boomerang. What you put out always comes back. So try it! Try
and love deeper and see what you get back. Try trusting God with your lack mindset and see what he does. Try stepping out in faith and see what he gives back to you. God wants to bless you not take from you so that you live in the “not enough”.Here is where it gets personal. Here is where I feel the sting of lack. I am not enough. This is the mother load of lies, the lie that we all believe and upon which we base our entire existence. If I had a chance to heal people, this would more than likely be what I would choose. I know the pain of the “I am not enough for you” lie. I think if you went deep inside the root of not enough you would see the enemy laughing when he manipulates the thoughts you hear inside your mind. If you’re not trained to recognize his lies, he will trick you. You will be a puppet to his deception. I want you all to hear this. You are not every single thought you think. Every thought is not always you. I am here to tell you that this is so important. Please perk up and hear the truth. You are enough! You may have some work to do but so does everyone else. It’s just one step at a time and learning to recognize the lies and seeing the truth is one step towards freedom.

Boundaries

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    Life is a cycle of ups and downs, ebbs and flows, and sometimes there’s not so much flow. Humor always makes me feel better about the raw truth. The last three months I have had a tremendous amount of growth, motivation and enlightenment. But now readers, I have hit a wall. I cannot really explain it any other way than this. If you want to be better in body, mind, and spirit, you’re going to have to Work. I wanted to put this out there so when you’re down you can be easy on yourself and remember THE AS IS. Breathe life in and embrace the mask of your life for the moment. Then dig deep and be brave and courageous and get back on the horse again and ride.

    You all know I am a believer in Dr.Shefali and her work. This last week we have been embracing boundaries. The older I get the easier this becomes. I started about 6 months ago realizing that truth and boundaries are very important for my journey through life. Being the people pleaser that I am has led me down a road of lies. Making others satisfied and not myself takes a toll on the soul. The majority of people don’t set up boundaries due to fear.

    The mother of all lies that we tell ourselves is that if we set a boundary then our mother, friend, child or sister won’t love us or will leave us. Friends this is a lie. If the people in your life leave you over a boundary. I have some not so good news for you. They never loved you to begin with. I am so sorry to be so abrupt. I am struggling right now typing this because I really don’t want to hurt anyone. I know that you know this deep down and don’t want to listen to your real self but I feel prompted to remind you. Real love never fails. That does not mean real love is easy or does not want to abandon ship. What it does mean is that on the days that you have just had it with the world and on the days you do not want to talk or even look at your precious loved one, you stay and you fight. You dig deep and forgive time and time and time again, but with evolution, you set boundaries with your love. Let’s be clear, setting boundaries has to come from your heart and not your ego. I tend to at first to set ego boundaries. It’s my way of protecting myself.

    I will never forget the year I endured a bully named Traci at my school. Let me explain. Traci was a newbee to my school and at first I was thrilled to have a new playmate in the mix. My expectation of our tightly knit group was soon to be shattered. Traci decided that she didn’t like me and would call me names, belittle me, exclude me and the list goes on. My mother went to the principle and teachers for help. Mom tried to help but I guess it was the path I was supposed to take, maybe Traci actually toughened me up for the up-coming years of hard knocks? All I know is that I ended up sick that year with heart palpitations and bladder infections. My body couldn’t take the exclusion of friendship and betrayal. You know I don’t think I’ll ever forget what that felt like. I was so sad and lonely. I believed the lies she spread. So here is where the story takes a turn and I learned something about myself. You can push and push and push and I’ll take a lot but eventually….. I will fight back and you will feel my boundary. One day while on the bleachers, Traci was doing her normal crap and something happened. I snapped. I pushed her she pushed back and eventually ended up in an all out fist fight. I was about 50 pounds and she was about 120lbs. She was tall and I was short. Let’s just say that I lost the fight but won the battle. She never messed with me again. In fact, she wanted to be friends and I forgave her but set up major boundaries with my mother’s help. I run into Traci here and there and we are always cordial. I often wonder what she thinks of herself. I assume she learned her ugliness from her family life and if this is the case, I am sorry for her pain.

    The moral of the story here is don’t wait until your get suspended from school or end up with invasive ductile carcinoma to stand up for yourself and fight. There is that saying out there “fight like a girl” and I would like to change that saying to “fight like a warrior”. I don’t know what girls fight like but I’ll fight for the people I love like a brave soldier. You can only be bullied if you let the people around you affect you. You can only get sick if you let your soul suffer. It sounds simple and I know it’s not. Trust me. I have endured suffering like you. But there is a key to Pandora’s box and that is for you to unlock and unfold God’s mystery for your existence. It is right in front of all of us but it takes work. It’s not easy. Listen, abundant life is not given to anyone. Abundant anything takes a soul mission to figure out. It’s putting one foot in front of the other and working it out. The definition of endure is to patiently wait in suffering. That my loves is what God calls you to do. He calls you to patiently walk the road of suffering and stand in the as is of life. I think what matters in life is the fight and the ability to see the good in the ugliness. When I write this next line please know I am writing to myself. Please stop avoiding pain and pretend you’re not living in fear. Embrace the fight. Acknowledge the experience and know that it’s all a part of the plan…the good, the bad and the ugly. I will leave you with this. Have you ever messed up? I mean like royally messed up? I’m talking like it affects everyone kind of messed up? Well, I have and it’s the worst pain of my life. Hurting the ones you love the most is excruciating. In those cowardly moments you’re not a warrior at all you’re the polar opposite. You let others and yourself down and you cause turmoil beyond repair. Now, let me break this to you gently, you’re not alone. Part of the reason why you did whatever you did is because you were afraid of not being loved and afraid of people leaving you. This is the basis of all tragedy. If you want to get off the midnight train going anywhere, then please do. Kick yourself off, but realize that the answer to your question of how and why is simple…forgiveness to yourself and to others. Embrace the love and forgive, I promise you will be set free. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and fight for yourself and the ones you adore.


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The Man in The Arena

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There are many different paths we can take, but the end result is the same if we desire change. That is beautiful. It is generous. It shows me that I don’t have to save everyone with how I think their life process should be.  God is in charge, not me. Thank the Lord.  I mean that is an enormous load.  I have recently seen spiritual growth as not so black and white. I mean I really want a+b to equal c, but it just doesn’t usually work that way.  I’m sorry but just because I am learning about shame, vulnerability, inner child and ego doesn’t mean you’re going to see it today like I do.  It works like this. When the light bulb goes on in your mind and you can see that a person you love is suffering because their bulb (soul) is burnt out, you may have another bulb in hand ready to supply for help because you want to share the joy life really has but unfortunately they have to say yes to the invitation.  

Here is what I have learned.  We all have our own destiny, free will, and choices. It’s a shift in perspective that happens at a moment in time. Change comes down to this. Am I sick and desperate enough to not do this another day? Can I begin to love myself, my true self? We will all have a choice to take the call that God has for us.  When you have beaten yourself bloody and understand that you can’t do it your way and have real joy, then you have to try something else. Not because you’re not bright enough, but because you are blinded by independence. This is freedom.  It all boils down to the shame we live in, the abandonment we are so desperate to try and run from and the fear that pulses through our bodies at any given moment.  I’m not good enough is the underlying vibration of which we are all living. 

I don’t care who you are, if you let me break off the layers, being not good enough is the core reason we are all walking around broken. Brene Brown is a vulnerability researcher and author who says “You’re not perfect, but you are worthy of love and belonging”. I am determined to teach myself and my kids this principle. If I start when they are young, I hope I can teach them not to depend on other flawed humans for their sense of worth. If I can teach them not to carry and bury their perceived shame and to know that they are loved and that anything else they hear in their head is a lie, then Jesus can take the wheel.

You know I went years without reading a book or learning anything new and guess what readers? I was not happy. I was not happy because I was not living in the destiny God had set for me. Folks you are not going to get there watching The Walking Dead.   It took me all these years not to obsessively scour my home in Clorox and clean my floors on my hands and knees. I was a slave to perfection because I was caught up so deeply in the fear and anxiety of not being loved and accepted. By the way, I created that obsession when I was very young but I carried it through my entire life. I am just now improving. If I could control the dirt, I could control people.

Oh if you could hear my laughter. It is absurd. If I could have all the hours back I spent making my life “perfect”. It’s actually really sad to me now.  I could have played a little longer with my kids or read them a book, but no, I had to freaking clean the freaking floor! For what??????  I had to be perfect. It’s all a lie.   If you could learn this now how set free could you be and more importantly your children?  I have this drive to help them suffer, but not the way I have. Yes, I said help them suffer. Not push suffering and discomfort away but let them sit in it.  Be the suffering and embrace the call to truth and freedom that is in the suffering.  It’s not a plague. Your soul knows this. That is why it attracts suffering.  The real you knows it will take you all the way to the top of spirit.

This last 3 months, I have never felt more alive. I recently met a woman that we’ll call Sue. She is adorable and she’s the kind of girl you know that is just kind and sweet. Sue is the perfect example of what God can do with a soul that is desperate and wants change.  Sue told me about her life as an adult dancer. She was in the industry for 5 years.  She said it was like a black hole that sucked her in every time she tried to get out. Sue took shame and turned it into tangible honor.  We recently have been talking more and it has most often been conversations about my blog.  Be honest to yourself and bare your soul and be awakened and vulnerable about the shame you have lived. Expose it, let the light shine in and through it, and it will flee.  I PROMISE.

Let’s go back to lies for a moment.  Shame is the cousin of lies.  Shame has this funny way of wrapping you in chains.  Shame lies and tells you that you’re not good enough and you don’t deserve to be anything other than that which your past defines you. Brene brown says, “The antidote to shame is empathy”  Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. Ok so Brene you’re telling me that relating to someone can kill shame? Relating to others in an arena similar to your own who carry the same ugly cross as yourself is the answer? Know that you are not alone and that you are cared for and loved.

I’m going to link this whole blog today back to one area in your life.  Lies…..please readers stop believing the lies you hear in your own head. “I don’t need anyone to help.”  “I can do this on my own.” “I don’t have a problem.” “Everyone ______.”  “I don’t know how to change, I’m too far in.” Lies, lies, lies. This is exactly how you stay defeated and powerless. If you want change, then stand up and fight!

Here’s some raw truth if you ask anyone who has overcome any issue in their life. I promise you they did not do it alone. People who try to change alone fail every time. why?? They fail because God created us to be relational, period, end of story. There is nothing more gratifying than a relationship that touches your soul.  When you experience true love, no matter what it costs the parties involved, this is healing.  This is how we change the world one love at a time.  Never give up!!! If you’re reading this and you want to change, I encourage you to take the first step and have a little empathy for yourself. Get ready to fight because shame will try and knock you out and put you back in the ring for another round of punches.  Stop decorating your pit and climb out.  We will be all waiting for you at the top throwing down ropes to help you.  You must desire to get out of the pit of shame more than anything. 

It will be arduous, but I promise, love and empathy will set you free. Being honest and truthful with yourself is honestly the first step.  If you’re vulnerable you can beat shame once and for all. You are worthy of love and you don’t have to be perfect.  Here’s to fighting for yourself and for the people you love. I encourage you, if you have loved ones trapped in the pit of shame, implore them to keep fighting. And as for you, stand in the gap and love them.


 

“Love is a Battlefield”

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Growing up for everyone has its own story. I know very few people who have had a wonderful childhood. Most people have feelings of inadequacy, abandonment, fear, not being loved, being unwanted, being controlled and the list grows. By age 17, I had made some absolute agreements with myself. What do I mean by this statement? I had made promises to myself. Promises that I thought were really powerful. Promises that I believed would protect me and set me free from anyone that could potentially hurt me or get in the way of anything I wanted to pursue. I think that when people hurt you, you go either one of two ways, in or out of your soul. I chose out of my soul. I did not know this at the time. It took 32 years to figure this out. I made some promises to myself that, until last week, I didn’t really understand what I had actually told myself and in turn my body suffered.

Recently, I learned some things about spiritual malignancy which, in my mind, is what it really means to be diagnosed with any DIS…. EASE. One theory is that, in our minds, we let ego deviate from the program God has for us. This is spiritual malignancy. Let me dive in here. Marianne Williamson teaches that the cells in the body say things like, “I don’t want to exist as a ‘normal’ cell. I want to be my own separate thing and build up my own mass following.” Here are some of the lies I have told myself. No one is going to boss me around and tell me what to do. I listen to me and my own ideas. I think when you try and replace God with things you will eventually feel the sting. It really depends on how stubborn you are. I apparently am seeing how bull-headed I am. Making those agreements with my ego was very damaging. I thought I was protecting my soul but I was actually destroying it with these agreement lies. God was included in this agreement. I replaced spirit with alcohol and shallow relationships… epic fail. The good news is that nothing is wasted. He works all things for my good. That is a song we sing frequently at my church. It is true. Don’t ever believe the lie that time or self is wasted. It never is. The lord has his inconceivable ways of making our messed up lives beautiful even when we mess them up. Every time we mess it up, he is there as a loving Father connecting all the paths to freedom. All we have to do is say yes to the call of the Holy Spirit. Please keep in mind that undoing what you have done sometimes takes time. So be patient with your life.

Remember that song from the 80’s Love is a Battlefield by Pat Benatar? “We are young heart ache to heartache we stand….. No promises no demands……Love is a battlefield. We are strong…… no one can tell us we are wrong. Searching our hearts for so long… both of us knowing….love is a battlefield. Making me go and making me stay……..Why do you hurt me so bad? It would help me know, if I stand in your way or I am the best you have had, but I’m trapped by your love and chained to your side……we are losing control when you turn me away, touch me deep inside…When this all gets all old will it still feel the same. There is no way this will die…and if we get much closer I could lose control….and if your heart surrenders you will need me to hold”

I know this is a cheesy song and it reveals my age (43) but I love it and can’t help the analogy of it all. This song, to me, is the battle that goes on in our body, mind, and spirit. This song, for me, is the ego vs the soul (real self). When we are young, we move from heart ache to heartache, we stand in awe of the pain and confusion. No promises, no demands until we feel the pain and sting of rejection of love and eventually abandon our soul. LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD. We have such innocent claims to life. We have the highest of hopes. Making me stay and making me go. Why do you hurt me so bad? This line is about the soul wanting to emerge and as it peers out for a moment, that is when we let our guard down and love, but it gets crushed and retreats right back inside and waits for the awakened moment to surface and try again to love. It would help me to know if I stand in your way or the best you ever had. Lol I can’t believe how ironic this song is. Yeah, it would be great to look into the crystal ball of your spirit and ask….. do I stand in your way or am I the best self I could be? We don’t know, especially when we are not awake to the real purpose of life. Who knows accepting our flesh for truth, I am trapped by your love and chained by your side. Yes, yes, yes…… we are trapped by our love of ego and self. It’s all about you, right? Your heart, your love, your desire, you ..you…you? I hope I am not the first one to break this news to you. NOOOOOOOOOOO, it’s not about you. It’s about loving other people. I don’t mean we should not respect and honor ourselves. We absolutely should and this is a very important key to being set free. I mean, lay your life down and love some people! Stop thinking life is all about you and what you want. This is the most dangerous love of self and you’re feeding your ego not your soul. Live like this and I promise you, it’s not if, it’s when your body and mind breakdown you will be forced to deal with the storm you create. Take heart, we all do this and your calling, your will, and your surrender all determine how your own personal journey will end. My prayer for you is to take the call, live out your core desires, and be set free of yourself and the lies you have built to keep yourself safe. There are so many tools out there to do this. The most important tool you will even need is the Holy Spirit. You can’t go wrong when the Holy Spirit guides your path. God is waiting, for you, to answer the call that is already inside of you. All the answers are within your reach. It’s like unlocking a metaphoric door. Your soul is knocking and will keep knocking until you get off your butt and answer the door. God is your soul because we are made in his image and he lives in you. You think he doesn’t want out? To share and love????? He does love. He does.