Do The Work

Nothing will work unless you do.

— Maya Angelou

Take a deep breath

 Exhale

 open your heart

 stay in your lane

 be transparent

 let go

 trust the journey

These are a few of the mantras I tell myself constantly–Like 10 x a day. I am back to soul work, which for me is like giving a kid candy. I can get lost in the moments of enlightenment. God is good. We have so many teachers that have come to the earth that I’m so thankful for. I hope you have some too. If not, good LORD find one.

I have an accolade to make and I will try and do it in appropriate proportion and give honor due to the one who took the time to listen. @Dr. Shefali Tsbary, I’m awake, honored, and on a beautiful path of shedding my ego and seeing the truth wading in the co-creation phase of my path. Dr. Shefali, I know you do not  want the credit for your esoteric teachings.  accolades are an illusion but I want people to know who taught me and for the readers to be able to find your life work

Why am I mentioning her?  Because some of the things I write about are truths she showed me.

I signed up for a yearlong course taught by Dr. Shefali called “The awakened heart.” I am here to do the work, and it’s really because I’m selfish and exhausted and want to escape from my prison, my cell, my pit that I so cunningly have decorated with all kinds of lies.

I have run from my calling. I have lied to myself and others about what my heart really thinks. I have held onto 40-some years of hurt from childhood wanting to forgive, thinking I have, but holding on to pain and manifesting cancer. I can’t do it anymore. Something shifted, and I literally can’t do it. The emotional pain I have carried is such a burden that my back is weak and my spirit has taken over. I have had 11 surgeries which tells me I’m highly sensitive. My body is a fantastic listener. I can’t say that I did not know this work needed to be done. I started more than 13 years ago but didn’t know how to do it. I wanted to change desperately but didn’t know how.

Two years ago something happened….I happened. I woke up, came up with my mantra prayer, and God led me to this endless journey before me. I think our soul uses our discomfort to show us something is wrong. I believe it is God’s way of getting our attention. Problem is: When we feel it, we push it down, away and want none of it. We are masters of blaming everyone else for the pain they caused. But did they cause the pain or did it come to teach you? Does pain come to tear you apart? I don’t think so.

I believe every painful encounter comes to set you free, but here’s the catch: It takes work. Hard work. Self-examination, new ideas, and a new destination. Nothing worthwhile comes easily. It took me most of my life to want change. I found it out of pain—pain that I created by the way. It’s the way of life. Stop resisting it and for the love of humanity and yourself do the work! There are hundreds of paths; find yours. My path won’t necessarily fit your pace or destination.

A few months ago my good friend Mary wrote a blog about staying in your own lane. I never heard that before, but now I have heard it several times and want to pass it on. Stay in your own lane because if you cross the line you might not like the result. Work on you and no one else. If someone wants your help or needs your criticism they will ask. I am preaching to me. I so desperately want my family to get these concepts that I shove the information down their throats.

Mostly the kids. I want them to grow up differently than I did…knowing the truth about how God works. I have been teaching them about resisting the discomfort. Accepting the as is in every situation. Not going to lie: I usually end up screaming and defeated as they resist the lesson and then I resist their resistance. The perfect lesson in resisting the as is. It’s freaking hilarious actually! Okay, God, I surrender.

So how do you help others around you be like you, Miss Ego? Lol, You DON’T.  They have their own path! Set an example and pray like a warrior that they see the truth you’re trying to live. It takes time to undo all the shit you have layered on yourself and your loved ones. It’s a big cycle. But I am out. Nope, not another day. I’m officially fired.

In case you’re wondering what that prayer is so you can memorize it, recite it and get it into every fiber of your being…be warned: It Will change your life.

You have a choice. If you’re miserable and happy stop reading now. I mean that. If you are more comfortable asleep in your delusion, that’s okay. God will keep sending you moments like this to awaken your heart.

If you’re still reading, then be read for your life to change.

God, show me the truth. Set me free. And bring me the people and resources I need to be the person you made me to be.

Listening is the first step. And I don’t mean listening to the nonstop chatter we hear. That’s not you. I have named my inner talker, Lucinda. Man, she is freaking annoying, loud, and judgmental. She lies, gossips, sabotages and I want nothing to do with her but to shut her up. She is not me. She’s who I have become complacent with. I have kept her around because she served me and only me on this earth. She makes everything about me and tells me what I want to hear to make myself feel better although it’s all lies. What she tells me is actually killing me, and I have the scar on my left right breast to prove it. She is toxic.

When I refer to listening this is what I mean is: Prayer, meditation, eating well, sleeping well, soul work, surrounding yourself with supportive, like-minded people, journal, exercise, read, Read, READ and listen to the ones before you that will seek you out. You have to be open and aware and awake to see them.

We tend to feed the ego with distractions, illusions, and lies. This is normal if you have been taught that your thoughts are real. That you are your thoughts. That your thoughts are directly in line with your feelings. Friends, this is not true. In fact, it’s the exact opposite. You are not your thoughts. If you were, then how could YOU hear them? If you are listening to something talk: It’s Not YOU!!!

You must learn this to understand who is really planted in your mind. Thoughts indicate what’s inside but if you do the work the thoughts will change. Be aware of the ego and realize this is not you. You are a soul in a human skin suit that is it.

Here is my challenge: Be selfish in one area of your life: Doing the Work. The work you were put on earth to do. What legacy are you going to leave? What impact will your work be on your great grandchildren? I hope you see today that the work you do on your soul matters more than what you do to provide for your family. You are not here to work at some corporate job or even some fantastic self-employment gig–unless you’re teaching others to be who God called them to be. Your job is to feed, clothe and provide shelter. You can dress that up or down as much as you want. That’s it. The work I’m talking about is not about money. The work I am begging you to do will last eternally because it will pass onto your children and your children’s children. It will become you. I know I can’t go back in time because all the pain brought me to this moment.

Our kids are our greatest love and therefore weakness. This is why God chooses them to teach us and come after us with passion.

 

Stay Awake

I am always amazed at how different life feels when I am awake and conscious. 

 

I remember the day pretty well. I was three years old, sitting in front of the TV watching Grizzly Adams, pretty much unaware of the circumstances.  My father picked me up sobbing as he said goodbye. I cried too but did not understand why. I can see him standing in the door watching us drive away. Oh how he must have broken. He knew, but I did not that my life would never be the same as it had been growing up under his roof—whole. 

This is a chapter of one of my beautiful disasters.

Now, my oldest son lives right down the street from where I moved that day. I have always had a somewhat negative view of that townhouse—probably because it was the place where I eventually started to go to sleep unconsciously. Julian and Grace moved 2 weeks ago into their very first apartment. How exciting this is for them!

As I drove into the complex, I felt like something came full circle the moment I passed that townhouse and pulled into his driveway. A place that once meant sorrow now brings me joy. A gap in space that once meant an end now signifies a beginning. I am so thankful God is in the waiting game and wants to patch things up. Of all the places they could have moved, they moved to the very site of my 3-year-old beautiful disaster development.

Bigger picture still: Julian’s dad and I divorced when he was 3. That was the moment of my full blown sleeping pinnacle. The moment where my unconscious pain took over, and I changed his life forever. I did to my son exactly what my mother did to me. Something I swore I would never do.

Although I am awake now, it doesn’t change all the suffering. I want my son to know how very sorry I am for all he suffered with the divorce. Your dad and I truly believed if we just loved you enough you would be okay.  You’re on your own journey to awaken and I will be forever here for you. Suffering eventually will bring you to conscious truth. You brought me back to the apartment complex and I honor your allowing me to see the truth and bury the lie.

It’s time we all bury the lies and see the truth. You can’t live in the past or future and see the truth. The only truth is the present moment.

It is very hard to stay awake after a certain age. Past 5, you start burying yourself and go to sleep. It’s easier that way as you have not acquired the skill of mastering pain. Your tiny self figures out a way not to hurt and that works for a while—often a long while—but eventually you need more to stay asleep. Drugs, alcohol, food, sex. I chose alcohol. It wasn’t on purpose at first. I didn’t realize drinking would mute the thoughts in my head, and the pain in my heart. At 12, I attended a Greek wedding where wine flowed freely. One sip lead to many and culminated in my vomiting all over my new mauve carpeting.

That became my pattern. Drink till I threw up. Cry. Pass out. Pretty standard. This blog is not about what you use to bury your pain. It could be anything! Even loving your children to the point that you’re asleep to your own destiny. We all have something that keeps us asleep for as long as it takes for us not to feel pain.

I used alcohol for a long time.  I don’t anymore—at least not to stay unconscious.

When you’re little and in pain, you don’t have the skills to navigate through it alone. It’s time to stop beating yourself up for the shit you have done. You did what you had to do to survive at the time.

A lot of us blame the people who were supposed to protect us. But they couldn’t because they were asleep themselves, trapped in a delusion and completely unaware.

It’s a cycle.  Sleeping through life to avoid pain, then bringing kids into the world. Because you’re asleep, you raise kids to use the same skill set to sleep through their own life. No wonder so many people are addicts. We have so many things available to numb our pain and keep us asleep.

Are you an addict if you can’t get through the day without chocolate or Pepsi? Yes. You can dress your addiction up in pretty clothes, call it whatever you want, but if you are honest with yourself, whether a person or a substance controls you, you’re an addict. Sure you might not be in jail or getting revived by Narcan like some heroin addcts, but guess what: You are no further ahead. A heroin addict might have a better chance actually to awaken due to physical and legal ramifications.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to sleep anymore. In fact, I am on a witch hunt for truth. I will let my trapped soul out no matter what the cost. Learning to stay present and conscious is painful, but it is the only true way out of “pain.”  Remember the saying, “the only way out it through?”  It’s true. 

God will use whatever it takes to wake you up. Most western culture is taught to conquer suffering. We don’t like the suffering so we push it away, numb it, mask it. I get it. I still do it. The moment something feels uncomfortable I try to kill it.  Some eastern cultures teach you to embrace the suffering and live in the now. Suffering is sticky, but next time something gets you, don’t run from it or numb it, stay in it. Let it have its way with you. Cry, get mad, scream, do whatever you want, just FEEL IT. Stop pushing it away. It will just keep coming back and haunting you until it teaches you what you came to learn. Wake to the lessons suffering has for you. Every time I have suffered I have grown and so will you.

He Is In The Waiting

@Bonjovi

@JonFrancisBongioviJr 

#slipperywhenwet

#bonjovimemories

#heisinthewaiting 

“Take Courage”

Bethel and kristene DiMarco

 

Slow down, take time

Breath in He said

He’d reveal what’s to come

The thoughts in His mind

Always higher than mine

He’ll reveal all to come

Take courage my heart

Stay steadfast my soul

He’s in the waiting

He’s in the waiting

Hold onto your hope

As your triumph unfolds

He’s never failing

He’s never failing

Sing praise my soul

Find strength in joy

Let His Words lead you on

Do not forget

His great faithfulness

He’ll finish all He’s begun

So take courage my heart

Stay steadfast my soul

He’s in the waiting

He’s in the waiting

Hold onto your hope

As your triumph unfolds

He’s never failing

And You who hold the stars

Who call them each by name

Will surely keep, Your promise to me

That I will rise, in Your victory

And You who hold the stars

Who call them each by name

Will surely keep, Your promise to me

That I will rise, in Your victory!

So take courage my heart

Stay steadfast my soul

He’s in the waiting

He’s in the waiting

And hold onto your hope

Watch your triumph unfold

He’s in the waiting…

This Blog is dedicated to my dear friend Jami

I never knew God cared about ALL the desires of my heart. I mean I get the spiritual ones but what about those desires you have that are absolutely just you… all you? I have been surrendered to my soul recently, and I want to share with you an experience I had, that I let go 27 years ago. Well sorta. I occasionally think of the experience I am about to share, and I am actually thankful that God used my hurting heart to make me who I am today.

Honestly though, I have only been enlightened in the last 2 weeks. I just thought this was a lost episode in my childhood. March 25, 1989 Bon Jovi was coming to the Richfield Coliseum in Cleveland. I had fallen in love with his music about two years prior to his concert tour. There was only one problem, MY MOTHER. I was not permitted to go. She was convinced that if it was not Sandy Patty or Amy Grant singing it was the devil. Let down was not really an accurate description more like volcanic devastation could maybe touch the emotions I felt that night.

I spent March 25,1989, at home with Mom. I cried myself to sleep while my best friends made their way to Cleveland to see him. The talk of the concert was even more heart breaking upon their return. I was so jealous it hurt.  I was ecstatic for them but flat pissed at my mom for not seeing the truth of this situation. My sister Jilene even talked to mom and told her she would take me–I was 15 she was 22. Obviously the answer was NO. Mom doesn’t know this but my step mom used to tape his videos on MTV for me. I would watch rewind and repeat for hours. Life goes on, but I never forgot Jon Bon Jovi and could sing along to every lyric on Slippery When Wet. My heart settled and so did I until recently when I found out he was going to be in Cleveland.

Both My kids danced that weekend and when I realized the dates coincided, I was disappointed.  About 5 days before the concert I found out that we would be finished with competition in time for me to make the show. No pressure: Trevor find us tickets now!!!!! Every time we talked about going I would tear up. I mean the thought of me getting to finally see him was overwhelming as it reminded me of the 1989. Except this time I was 43 years old. I didn’t care where our seats where as long as I got to hear him. Trevor took about 3 or 4 days to come up with 14th row center stage and this is when I got crazy emotional. Like tears a flowing emotional. I just could not wrap my head around 14th row.

The gratitude I had was amazing. Every time I thought about going I would cry. Cried because I thought that desire was forgotten. Heck, I even forgot how badly I wanted to go. The day of the concert came and Trevor received an email stating they had to change our tickets due to the performance kick?  Never heard of that but we pulled up the seating chart and Trevor informed me that we were moved to 5th row!!! Omg omg omg omg omg. I can’t right now!!!! 5th row what? How? Why? I feel like God was thinking how can I make this day even better? Let’s move her seats to row 5.

This is where it gets really good. Trevor bid on some tickets, and as we discussed the possibility of us going, I started to cry. I mean, 27 years later, and I might get to see bon jovi? Finally? 

I remember the night he came 27 years ago and so did God. Here is what is so amazing: I thought God only cared about the desires of our hearts that were godly not secular things and rock music. I’ll be honest. This kind of threw me around a little. God cares about me hearing Jon Bon Jovi sing???? Are you kidding?  If he remembers the heart break I felt in 1989 crying myself to sleep over the concert, then what in the heck else is he lining up for me?  The gratitude I felt. 

The whole point of this blog is to remind all of you of a really beautiful lesson I learned through this. There are things that are so deep inside your soul. Things that have left a mark. You’re sure that the desire you have is never gonna happen. Well, I am here to tell you that is a lie. You are a king/queen of the living God, and He never forgets the promises he’s made to you. So if he makes Bon Jovi happen than He will heal up every wound inside my heart. Set the captives free and grant every desire of my heart according to His will. 

Here is a crazy thought. God loves Jon Bon Jovi too. So for all you righteous religious people out there: Worry about yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Which brings me to this song take courage by Kristene Dimarco.  I love music and I am always searching for new plays. I found this song yesterday and it’s been on repeat for 2 days now. Can’t get enough. As I sat down to review this blog and send it off to my wonderful friend Mary to edit, the words fit right into the context: He is in the waiting. That is such a blessing.

Thank you Lord for not forgetting me ever. It may not happen today or in your lifetime but He’s in the waiting. So stay steadfast your soul, hold onto your hope and watch your triumph unfold. He is never failing. Sing praise my soul .

Friends please hear God’s heart. Hold onto your unanswered prayers because He knows your heart. It is in his time. Hold on. Hold on.

At the end of most blogs, I’ll ask you to write in with any comments or stories

We all want to hear how God has kept you waiting but in the end showed up.  Can’t wait to hear from you.

Perfectly Imperfect

 

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/karen-talavera/carrot-coffee-egg-parable_b_1107628.html

Carrot egg coffee

I would like give a shout out to the infamous Chris Russo, spinning instructor of the stars in Niles Ohio. #blackboxspinning. Chris told the story about the egg, carrot and coffee bean one Monday morning, and I fell in love with the idea that I was one of these three nouns. I made a note to blog about this in the future and moved on. 

Which brings me to yesterday when I reviewed the story of the carrot, egg and coffee bean. Hopefully you read the link above and follow as I dive into the heart of this blog. 

I realized something when I read the article. I really was hoping I was the coffee bean affecting everyone around me with my aroma and taste. However, I am all three at different times. Depending on the variables in my life, I have been the carrot starting out hard and brought to my knees only to be soft and mushy. I believe God has allowed this to soften my heart. If I allowed you to see into my heart, it’s not always pretty, but I am still alive and breathing. 

I have been the egg: a hard outer shell with a liquid center that heat changed to a hard center. I am not proud of this state but again God uses every situation for the good of all. What the enemy wants to use to destroy your life with hardened hearts and mindsets, God sets free.

My deceased step mother would often say about people, “They are legends in their own mind.” That’s me with the coffee bean. I can only endeavor to impact others. I know that I am human. I realize that I fail daily but I know that being all three is what God wants from me because through the mistakes of the egg and carrot I will learn compassion.

The coffee bean is really the closest to perfection which is why I struggle with it. Sometimes I am tasty and aromatic and others times no so much. He uses all things to grow us good and bad. In a perfect world we could just be born the bean and be robots in the Kingdom, or we can suffer and learn what love really is and help others. Not changing who he made me and using me with my gifts, talents and faults at the same time.  

When I was in my 20’s I realized that perfection was making me miserable. I thought I understood it but honestly not until I gave birth 3 times and was worn down by the beauty of the chaos of life did see I the real truth of being perfect to the outside world: It was an attempt to show the world I was worthy. Why until I was 43 did I feel like I have to be perfect all the time? To be loved my family and friends? If I have to be perfect to earn their love, I may as well die now. It’s a futile attempt. It will never happen. I am perfectly imperfect. Not ashamed and honored to be broken in the circle of life. I am blessed and reminded by the people in my life that perfection is not ideal. God literally brings me daily situations with people in my life and myself that I see the struggle we carry with wanting life to go exactly the way we want it to go. 

As I am always honest here I struggle too wanting no discomfort in my life. I know on the outside it’s actually comfy to wear but at the heart of perfection are the ugly sisters insecurity, control and jealously. Control is perfection’s bff. Because we have all convinced ourselves that if we can control everyone and everything, life will be perfect. Perfect means no pain right? No it’s a lie and I’m tired of pretending that perfection is welcomed in my life. I am hell bent on teaching my kids it’s ok to fail. To get up and try again. I refuse to let perfection haunt my kids like it has me causing me to be an approval whore.

Am I not good enough?  Am I the only flawed person walking earth?  Here’s a thought: Maybe if I whore myself out and do everything for everyone perfectly and wear myself out people will love me, choose me. Right? Perfection is a mask we wear. It makes me feel better about myself. I don’t think perfection is a gift. Striving to be perfect  has given me so much anxiety in life that I simply have let it go. Doesn’t matter if I want my life to be perfect it or not. I fail every day. I am human and I wear this earth suit around called skin so why not embrace my imperfections and just be?

There is a fine line between accepting my idea of perfectionism and laying it all out and down and letting God show me the truth. I choose God. We are all born with a certain path but I believe that we don’t have to decorate our pit that we choose to live in with perfection. I am perfectly imperfect, and I want to tattoo this on my body to be reminded it’s ok that I forgot an appointment or a kid at school. Judgement comes from perfection, and there is only one judge and it’s not me.

So, friends, here is to letting go of the pain that perfection brings. Please stop listening to the voice in your head that tries to lure you into killing your soul to be perfect. It’s not from a good source. That voice in fact is not really you. If you can hear it how can it be you? Funny huh? Recognize the voice but don’t digest everything you hear it say. Chew on this perfection bologna and see what you come up with. You might think I’m nuts, but there is freedom I promise you on the other side of perfection.

Lets look at the word perfect what does it really mean? What does God say about the word?

Greek translation:

téleios (an adjective, derived from /télos, “consummated goal”) – mature, from going through the necessary stages to reach the end-goal, i.e. developed into a consummating completion by fulfilling the necessary process or a spiritual journey.

teleios: having reached its end, i.e. complete, perfect

This root (tel-) means “reaching the end (aim).” It is well-illustrated with the old pirate’s telescope, unfolding (extending out) one stage at a time to function at full-strength (capacity effectiveness).

Wow, so I am now even more convinced that God intended perfection as a means to an end. You’re called to work on your spiritual self as necessary stages but it a process. Sounds like when you take your last breath your life that is full of imperfection will then be perfect. So shout out to my soul sister Laurie who has taught me there is collateral beauty in the mess and life is a journey not a destination.

I want to thank god for my imperfections, lessons, and pain. I would still be 5 years old in pain and never would have escaped the torture of life. Life (God) knocked me over only to help me up. That is what life is about. Falling down and having the heart of forgiveness beside you.

Let me end on this thought:  Can we work on loving and forgiving?  Isn’t it harder to be pissed off all the time? It is for me. I choose peace and if you’re in my life and know me personally I am sorry for my imperfection. I may leave you sitting in the salon while I am spinning. I may forget my appointment to have my teeth cleaned. I may forget to leave a gallon of shampoo on the porch for you to pick up. I may tell you to come the house for an appointment when I really mean salon. I may leave you at school when I was supposed to pick you up. I may forget your swim suit when invited to a swim party. I may cut too much hair off and you ask me to tape it back on. I may yell at you and feel bad later. I may have expired food in my fridge and put it on your ham sandwich. I may not communicate with you as well as I should. I may not call you back immediately when you call. I may leave you out of a conversation or get together on accident. I may be pissed at you and judge you a few days weeks or months but eventually forgive. I may hate life for the moment when I am in pain. I may not like when you wake up and turn on the tv when I am trying to write, pray or meditate. I may swear (a lot). I may not close the cupboards. I may not visit often. I may not respect you as you require. I may still remember the pain you caused.  I may hold you to your word. I may be hard on you. I may gossip about you and feel terrible about it. I may screw up daily but I love fiercely and passionately. I will fight to the bitter end.  I am capable of seeing the truth and my faults. I will never lay down and give up on myself or anyone I love. I will hold you when you cry and cry with you. I will forgive my perpetrators and run the race with you and never leave you.

Side note: If you are not willing to work on yourself, I may set boundaries with you but it doesn’t mean I don’t love you.

Back to point. I am someone who you can fight with and still love. This is who I am. Take me or leave me; I won’t let it affect me. It’s ok if you don’t like me all the time. Chances are I don’t like you all the time but I love you. Readers, I would truly appreciate some feedback. Share some stories. Expose your heart. Take a giant leap of faith and be you. Spinning instructor, Chris Russo said just today “We are not always given what we want rather what we need.” God knows how to stretch you…..LET HIM.

 

Rebirth like an Eagle

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXTrWPvP0iQ

 

I recommend you watch the link above before you read this post.

I feel like the rebirth of the eagle is not just an act of nature but an obviously life happening of which we could all live by. I am 43.  I am going to be truthful something really did change when I turned 40. Kind of similar to the eagle. My body,hair,skin,mind and thoughts, they all changed.  You look into the mirror one day, notice a few wrinkles, cellulite and a whole lot of sagging. In my personal mirror, I see bags and dark circles. They are unwanted friends. None the less they are present. I tend to wish a lot about my past especially in this area. I wish I was 20 again but to be honest only for my youth and collagen not my mind or wisdom. I started spinning again the first week of January. It’s been amazing. It has helped me not slip into depression in the winter, shed a few pounds. The most important aspect of Black Box spinning gym is the instructors.  The philosophy they hold and the impact they make. It’s not just spinning….. its spiritual. I mean practically every time I spin, I shed a tear. I know this sounds strange but while training on a bike or really any sport that you are pushing yourself, you have some choices to make. Understand that either choice is the right one. You can set back chill or you can fight sweat,cry, push and spin. I feel as while I climb the hills, I am climbing life’s problems. You know the times when you are climbing (fighting) for your family and you want to quit and pull off a few gears because it burns? I don’t know why but climbing to me is such a challenge it reminds me of fighting for my oldest son. Through many many obstacles in his life. I hope he knows that even though he is out of the house, I may be silent and not say much these days but I am battling the enemy in prayer. On those hills, I am kicking the enemy’s butt. I won’t let him win!!!!!!! Chris Russo is a spin instructor at Black Box and though she is an instructor. Although I don’t know her well, I can tell you she is much much more that a spin instructor. She is packed full of wisdom. Full of god and the holy spirit shines through her. I can see it. She talks while she teaches, which in itself is a feat. I can barely count little alone talk. So, props to Chris she is amazing. One Monday she shared the story of the eagle. The eagle at the age 40 has to decide if it wants to die or live another 30 years. The eagle must fly to a mountain top and fight through the pain of banging his beak off, wait for a new one to sprout. Next he must pull out his talons and grow new ones. Finally, he must pluck out feathers that are thick and heavy. Are you for real? I am pretty sure 99 percent of all Americans would die at 40 years old. Would you pluck off all your skin or pound your nose till it was a bloody stump?  How about pulling your nails off?  Pure torture. Straight up served on a ugly platter. My first response was no but as I started to really think about it I realized although we don’t have the extreme physical rebirth the eagle does, we do hold the same choice in our spirit and mind. I could give you personal examples of cancer, divorce, heavy metal poisoned child, alcohol abuse, anxiety, depression, eating disorder, Adhd diagnosis, death, emotional and physical abuse and that is just my family. Tragedy is everywhere. It does not discriminate. It does not have boundaries and it will eat anyone alive what thinks they are exempt. One of my dearest friends lost a child after a battle of cancer. She did not pass on because of cancer. She past on from a systemic yeast infection that the doctors missed. Her Mother tried tell them,  of which no one would listen to her. Side note here if your a medical professional and a mother tells you something is wrong with her child YOU NEED TO LISTEN.  Please allow me pause here and give my deepest sympathies to my dear friend and her precious family. I am pretty sure losing a child is the worst most devastating thing a mother can live through.  I have only known her for 3  years but maybe 8 years go my husband came home from work one day. He told me the story of this little girl and her family.  Trevor  said” Melissa we have to pray for her.” So, we prayed.  I can remember crying for my friend. How she must have been hurting. I did not know her then but I sure do now. This was a bond that linked our hearts long before I ever laid eyes on her. I will never forget when I realized she was the mama and baby I prayed for. We actually both cried in the middle of a Packard Music hall. It blows me away that god brought us together not exactly sure why but someday we both will. She had a choice she could have been swallowed up by grief but she did not. This woman is the purest example of the eagle in my opinion. Although, the pain was and is horrendous she flew to the mountain top and pounded off her beak of depression. Tore out her talons of fear and plucked out every feather of anxiety. To date, she talks and beams with light. I mean true light. She honors her daughter by talking about her and keeping her memory alive with stories of baby girl.  The life she lived and the love she gave to everyone. Kind of like her mama really. I never even meet this precious child but I am telling you I feel like I know her. Sometimes I even think I feel her when her mama talks of her and shares her heart and memory. I am honored to be a part of her story. I don’t know if she knows it or not she inspires so many with her fight to press on in life. Not forgetting what happened but remembering the love they shared and the lives baby girl touched. My friend was pregnant and didn’t know it before baby girl passed on. God gave them a gift in that new baby. I believe they are one. That baby girl is living thru her sister. He gave that family a dose of joy and hope knowing that the years to come would be arduous and painful. Having a little joy in the midst of the storm is all we can ask for in times of pain. I love you heather. I admire your strength. Your heart. Your will to never give up!!! You are a 44 year old soaring eagle that is the glue in holding your family together.

Walk Away

Walk away walk away walk away…. This what I hear in my head when every fiber in my being wants to rip someone a new one.

I am growing in this area so this doesn’t always happen. While I used to have to have the last word, as I grow in wisdom and in years the impulse is much quieter.

I talk about heart break a lot because it’s a vulnerable subject that we tell ourselves is place too scary to visit and full of baggage we don’t want to unpack.

Well, I do. I’m tired of living a pretend life and not calling a spade a spade. Vulnerability means exposing yourself, and I am ok with that, but I have to tell you: YOU’RE GONNA FIND PEOPLE WHO WILL RUN FOR THE HILLS OVER THIS.

You have friends–really sweet friends–who will throw you under the bus to stay hidden and safe. This blog is for my brave warriors who venture out of the cave and into the light of adventure. You remember the conscious adventure. That is what this blog is about being conscious and I won’t EVER apologize for it.

If you’re reading this and you’re not comfortable being exposed and conscious? It’s ok. There is no judgement here just love. One stipulation: This is where I am and I’m not turning back. It’s ok if we have different opinions. This is called life, and we all better buck up.

I used to be the young mom when Julian was little, but now I am the older mom. At first, I didn’t even know, but at the first school party it became very apparent. But as I always remind myself I would not trade these years for all the gold in china. EVER.

When Julian was little he was bullied by some kids at school, and sadly it never stopped till he moved away and then came back. The first day the longtime bully Logan tried to pull some crap again. Except this time he got a whole new Julian. Julian learned that he was not the names he was called nor did he have to take crap from anyone. The bullying ended that day when Julian addressed Logan and gave him a piece of his mind. That day represented a mile stone for him. He became conscious that he was no longer going to let Logan let him effect him another moment.

Why is it that when bullies are confronted they cower? I’m so proud of him for not taking the abuse any longer. We have to teach our kids not to plant in our hearts what other people say about us. This may be a little shocking but even what we tell our kids about themselves. Sometimes we build these egos in our kids and when then get out in the real world no one else sees them the way we do and it hurts and all the praise and all the effort comes crashing down. I am not saying not to praise your kids just be conscious. I always come back to this mantra prayer: God, show me the truth of who I am. I am not perfect and there are things I need to work on to be more conscious. My friend Laurie used to have to remind me that life is a journey and not a destination, and that has gotten me through a lot of hard times. She is 10 years older than me and has a lot more wisdom and has helped me through some tough days. Happy Birthday love. Your truly are the sunshine I prayed for and I thank you for being probably the most Christ like person I know with your unconditional love.

Knowing that the moment the crap flies is not the end but just the next step in the journey and the end…well, that’s really just the beginning, helps keep things in perspective.

Keep your eye on the prize, loves. This life may seem long and arduous, but in the blink of an eye, it’s over. Forever is what really matters. How you treat people is what really matters. Having integrity is what really matters. I won’t even get into what doesn’t matter because God will show you in some not so easy ways. He loves you, but He is your daddy and He will discipline you. We all pay. Some people call it karma I just call Him God. Let go of what you think God is and ask Him to show you who He is; He will. He’s waiting. He is so patient.

I hope someday I don’t have to have the last word, be right, be judgmental, gossip, whatever it is that makes me flawed. I am just thankful for now I am forgiven.

The Broken Road

August 27, 2005.

When I married Trevor Berry, this was our wedding song. We chose this song because we both had very broken pasts. Almost 12 years later, this song makes even more than it did then.

Today, tomorrow, forever.

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through

I couldn’t see how every sign pointed straight to you
That every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
Yes it did

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I’d like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You’ve been there you understand
It’s all part of a grander plan that is coming true.

I love the moment when God brings life full circle and shows you truth.

I feel like we spend a lot of time in the past, which isn’t always negative. However, when you dwell in the past and won’t let go….well….that is a problem. Are you saying “yeah, but”? Do you feel like you have a really good reason for living in the past? Maybe it’s comfortable. I get it. it’s hard to forgive and move on. It hurts like heck. But guess what? Holding on to past hurts won’t protect you from future hurts.

Guys, I’m stuck here myself but I’m wrestling my way out because I don’t want to be planted in infertile soil anymore. But it seems like even as I’m trying to move forward … to let go of the pain … somehow I get sucked into a black hole.

Here’s what Peter says in Philippians 3:13 “Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead.” Well, there you have it. Looking behind? Living in the past? It’s all a trick of your mind! Remember readers: The enemy attacks through your thoughts so if he can keep you distracted with your past hurts, then you will NEVER live in present happiness. Your life will rot away while you chase the ghost of the past.

Set your mind on the good of your life and stop focusing on the bad and the pain. We all have pain, but the ones who look forward, press on and forgive are set free.

There have been times when I have felt unloved and unwanted and because of lies I believed. Because of this I did some very foolish things. Please hear me: Even when you think no one loves or loved you, God does, and He is there protecting you from the enemy’s lies and manipulation…and from yourself, your own worst enemy.

Dear friends, bust the ghost of the past off and live in the present. Be conscious in present moment because it’s the only truth that exists.

Are there really mistakes in life? Really? If you live in the present then no mistakes can exist. They can’t. Every broken road leads us straight to freedom. If I would not have made all the “mistakes” in my life I would not be me. I earned wisdom through life experiences not a self-help book. I’ve grieved people, situations and lived through death.

How have your “mistakes” set you free? Take a moment to think about it. Maybe even write them down on a piece of paper and bury them in the spring. But bury them for good. Don’t dig them back up and relive the pain.

You are a warrior.

Let go and live in the present.

WHY?

Because the majority of all disease comes from dis- ease.

Because God didn’t bring you out of slavery to leave you entrapped.

Because living in past hurts ages you.

Because it’s exhausting being bitter rather than better.

Because God asks you to forgive so you can be forgiven.

Because the past is over and holds no power over you unless you give it power.

so those are just a few of the why’s and now here are a few of the how’s.

How do I live in present and let go of past?

Pray.

Ask God to show you truth and remove the obsession to hurt yourself over and over and over again.

In her books, Dr. Christiane Northrup discusses studies proving that guilt and shame produce a chemical called ILC. Science is now studying the adverse effects this chemical–these emotions—has in the fascia of our bodies. Your body records your emotional pain, and you live it out in a physical manifestation.

One way to get rid of the stored up emotions is yoga. Personally, when I push myself in exercise I always cry and never understood. Here is the answer: ILC gets released when you stretch the muscles. Northrup also says children who are abused take on their perpetrator’s shame because the perp has no conscious. Dr.Shefali teaches that as children we come here perfect and it’s the adults who mess us up. Bam there it is.

Do yoga. Meditate. Prayer and meditation are God’s plan for successful living. According to the Bible, if we can pray and petition and then shut up and listen, God will show us everything He wants us to do and more.

Do you have children? Do you want to give them everything to help them build beautiful lives? Matthew 7:11 “So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him.”

He wants to see you prosper. Deuteronomy 28:13 “If you listen to these commands of the LORD your God that I am giving you today, and if you carefully obey them, the LORD will make you the head and not the tail, and you will always be on top and never at the bottom.”

John 10:10 The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life”

I would really love to hear back from you.

Comment below

Start living your conscious adventure.

Looking For Love


Looking for love in all wrong places
Looking for love in too many faces Searching their eyes,
looking for traces Of what I’m dreaming of
Hoping to find a friend and a lover
I’ll bless the day I discover Another heart looking for love

Do you remember that song? Johnny Lee wrote that gem. I don’t know exactly why I love music so much, but I do. I have not heard that song in 20 years and yesterday it popped in my head and I can’t stop running the lyrics through the maze of my consciousness. I will always remember being a little girl and splashing water on my face to make myself look sweaty. I would wrap a red bandanna around my head and play the guitar to the radio in secret. I came from a religious home and growing up in the 80’s I was not permitted to listen to “devil music”. Of course, Hot FM 101 was the station of choice and I listened anyway. I think that was my earliest memory of wanting to be someone else, a rock star. I craved the attention and the reward of being so admired by others for my talent. The unfortunate truth is that I was not admired by anyone and I knew it. Actually I still know it. Why do we want the people in our lives to love and adore us? I can’t speak for you, but for me, it is about love. Through the years I looked for love in all the wrong places. I knew the sting of rejection but I still went after them, hoping and wanting to be someone’s precious whatever, like a stupid Disney princess. I wanted to be loved and adored. It’s all a lie. It doesn’t really exist. Why should it really? We are all human and we all fall short. Maybe you have a pedestal you sit on, but trust me I don’t. I am about as real as they come. I am 43 and I’m not apologizing for not being who you want me to be. I am me and I accept me. It has come at a cost, but I am brave enough to own it. Like Brene Brown says “I am not perfect but I am worth love and belonging”. Yup, that is me. Look how chubby I am. Look at my wrinkles. I hate these bags under my eyes. Why am I so swollen and why do I have these dark circles? I’m short. Oh my gosh! I’m so tired of the voices!! Lol No, but seriously the voices in your head that tell you you’re a loser. I’m so sick of her. I just want to love and be loved and this darn standard I have created for myself. I am so tired, literally exhausted trying to be pretty. What happens when the music fades?? what happens when your beauty leaves you? Who are you then? What are you basing your worth on in life? What is left??? YOUR BEAUTIFUL SOUL is what is left!!!!WHY CAN WE NOT SEE THIS? Where does this come from? The never good enough saga continues. I want to dedicate this blog to all my girls who are good enough but refuse to believe it and this Includes myself. You have the girls who own their appearance no matter what the size and look and don’t give a crap. Then you have the girls who act like they don’t care but desperately do and are miserable trying to figure it out. Then you have the girls who are obviously so insecure and don’t even try and hide it. Sweet girl, whoever you are, you are loved. God created you and has a specific plan for your life. Big, small, skinny, and yes fat. Wrinkled, smooth, tight, or stretched to hell. It doesn’t matter. The real fact is the moment you take your last breath your shell is just going to begin to rot. I know it’s a terrible thought. This ridiculous body is not you. You are not your skin. Your soul lives on and that’s what counts.Let me ask you this. How much time do you spend doing soul work? The average woman spends 55 minutes a day getting ready. That’s 19,360 minutes a year! That is 322 hours a year getting ready. Oh my gosh, are you serious? How much time do you spend getting your soul ready? I googled that and I’m sorry but there is not an answer. No one even cares enough to do a study on FOREVER.
We have this so wrong. Three hundred twenty two hours a year on superficial bull and what, maybe 5 min a week thinking about soul choices and lifestyles? I am not exempt from this, but please all of us need to see the truth and be set free from ourselves and the bondage we put on ourselves. I mean I do hair for a living. I spend 30 hours a week making people feel like they look good or are at least happy tricking themselves into feeling that this stupid, dead protein coming out of their skull matters. It does matter. I know. I just want the soul to matter more.
Question of the day? What are your hiding behind? What are you tricking yourself into believing? Have you fallen off your own pedestal? Comment below and we will walk through this together. Follow me on Facebook, WordPress, Twitter, or Tumbler at The Conscious Adventure.

Are you hungry?

How many times do I have to remind myself that there is enough? I come from a long line of feeders! You know, the people who feed you or at least want to feed you. My grandmother was from Romania and anytime she saw you she would ask you if you wanted something to eat. I am not sure why she asked because regardless of the answer she would make you something to eat. Remember that scene in My Big Fat Greek Wedding when the aunt asks if Ian Miller, the non Greek boyfriend, wanted to eat lamb? He replies by telling her that he’s a vegetarian and she says, “Ok, good I’ll make lamb.” It’s hilarious, but people hear what they want to hear. I amusing food metaphors as a launching pad here for understanding the not enough.People in general have a mindset of scarcity and are consumed with fear about not having enough. Let me give you some examples. Have you ever seen the show hoarders? Some of the folks on this show are in so much pain that they hoard whatever makes them feel safe. Americans are literal examples of living in the “not enough” frame of mind. Every Christmas for the last 3 years I have told myself that I am not going to overdo it this year. As you can already assume by that statement, you are correct if you assume that I overdo it. So what’s my point? I am in fear that the people I love won’t have enough to open Christmas morning. The Lord says that fear is not from him. He gives us power and sound minds. That translates into peace. I feel like we live in lack in so many areas of life, not just in our stomachs. Love or the lack of perceived love is the single greatest fear we experience in life. My soul sister, Laurie’s favorite book is The Road Less Traveled. The premise of the book is that love is the only “real“ thing in life and that it’s the only thing that heals people. I believe this is true. Part of the problem is that there is a cycle that has never been broken that started with generation 1, Adam and Eve. In the beginning of time, lies and fear eradicated love or at least created a delusion that there was a lack of love. This gets tricky so try and stay with me. Adam and Eve were happy as larks. They were naked as blue jays, but then something happened. They were lied to and they believed the enemy. Hey guys, the enemy doesn’t always waltz in like an ugly, scary gremlin. Sometimes the temptation lures you in like an innocent child in a candy shop. It’s not always obvious but it is real. Eve ate the apple and shared with Adam and then something happened. They became ashamed and hid. Adam and Eve believed the “not enough” lie. They had everything they could possibly want, perfect bodies, love, food, pets. They had freedom and they lacked nothing except one stinking apple. Their mind set of scarcity allowed them to see the lack which allowed them to fall into the trap. I am sure the enemy did not come in like a wrecking ball. In fact, I am positive he came to them with the seduction of …..Lies. I just want us all today to open our hearts to love. Love heals. Love is real. Love may not be tangible,but it can be felt and given freely. It costs you NOTHING. WHAT IN THIS WORLD COSTS YOU NOTHING? You may say yes it does cost me something. It may cost me my heart. I may get hurt. Here is my rebuttal. Take a chance. I have never loved someone and then was sorry that I did. In fact, the opposite happened. When you love, you become free. When you love, you set up others to love and be set free. It gives you freedom from the fear of “not enough”. Truth bomb. Love may come and go with a person but, and this is a real but, once you love, love never truly leaves. Even if you love and feel like it didn’t work out, you are wrong. When you love, it comes back to you like a boomerang. What you put out always comes back. So try it! Try
and love deeper and see what you get back. Try trusting God with your lack mindset and see what he does. Try stepping out in faith and see what he gives back to you. God wants to bless you not take from you so that you live in the “not enough”.Here is where it gets personal. Here is where I feel the sting of lack. I am not enough. This is the mother load of lies, the lie that we all believe and upon which we base our entire existence. If I had a chance to heal people, this would more than likely be what I would choose. I know the pain of the “I am not enough for you” lie. I think if you went deep inside the root of not enough you would see the enemy laughing when he manipulates the thoughts you hear inside your mind. If you’re not trained to recognize his lies, he will trick you. You will be a puppet to his deception. I want you all to hear this. You are not every single thought you think. Every thought is not always you. I am here to tell you that this is so important. Please perk up and hear the truth. You are enough! You may have some work to do but so does everyone else. It’s just one step at a time and learning to recognize the lies and seeing the truth is one step towards freedom.

Boundaries

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    Life is a cycle of ups and downs, ebbs and flows, and sometimes there’s not so much flow. Humor always makes me feel better about the raw truth. The last three months I have had a tremendous amount of growth, motivation and enlightenment. But now readers, I have hit a wall. I cannot really explain it any other way than this. If you want to be better in body, mind, and spirit, you’re going to have to Work. I wanted to put this out there so when you’re down you can be easy on yourself and remember THE AS IS. Breathe life in and embrace the mask of your life for the moment. Then dig deep and be brave and courageous and get back on the horse again and ride.

    You all know I am a believer in Dr.Shefali and her work. This last week we have been embracing boundaries. The older I get the easier this becomes. I started about 6 months ago realizing that truth and boundaries are very important for my journey through life. Being the people pleaser that I am has led me down a road of lies. Making others satisfied and not myself takes a toll on the soul. The majority of people don’t set up boundaries due to fear.

    The mother of all lies that we tell ourselves is that if we set a boundary then our mother, friend, child or sister won’t love us or will leave us. Friends this is a lie. If the people in your life leave you over a boundary. I have some not so good news for you. They never loved you to begin with. I am so sorry to be so abrupt. I am struggling right now typing this because I really don’t want to hurt anyone. I know that you know this deep down and don’t want to listen to your real self but I feel prompted to remind you. Real love never fails. That does not mean real love is easy or does not want to abandon ship. What it does mean is that on the days that you have just had it with the world and on the days you do not want to talk or even look at your precious loved one, you stay and you fight. You dig deep and forgive time and time and time again, but with evolution, you set boundaries with your love. Let’s be clear, setting boundaries has to come from your heart and not your ego. I tend to at first to set ego boundaries. It’s my way of protecting myself.

    I will never forget the year I endured a bully named Traci at my school. Let me explain. Traci was a newbee to my school and at first I was thrilled to have a new playmate in the mix. My expectation of our tightly knit group was soon to be shattered. Traci decided that she didn’t like me and would call me names, belittle me, exclude me and the list goes on. My mother went to the principle and teachers for help. Mom tried to help but I guess it was the path I was supposed to take, maybe Traci actually toughened me up for the up-coming years of hard knocks? All I know is that I ended up sick that year with heart palpitations and bladder infections. My body couldn’t take the exclusion of friendship and betrayal. You know I don’t think I’ll ever forget what that felt like. I was so sad and lonely. I believed the lies she spread. So here is where the story takes a turn and I learned something about myself. You can push and push and push and I’ll take a lot but eventually….. I will fight back and you will feel my boundary. One day while on the bleachers, Traci was doing her normal crap and something happened. I snapped. I pushed her she pushed back and eventually ended up in an all out fist fight. I was about 50 pounds and she was about 120lbs. She was tall and I was short. Let’s just say that I lost the fight but won the battle. She never messed with me again. In fact, she wanted to be friends and I forgave her but set up major boundaries with my mother’s help. I run into Traci here and there and we are always cordial. I often wonder what she thinks of herself. I assume she learned her ugliness from her family life and if this is the case, I am sorry for her pain.

    The moral of the story here is don’t wait until your get suspended from school or end up with invasive ductile carcinoma to stand up for yourself and fight. There is that saying out there “fight like a girl” and I would like to change that saying to “fight like a warrior”. I don’t know what girls fight like but I’ll fight for the people I love like a brave soldier. You can only be bullied if you let the people around you affect you. You can only get sick if you let your soul suffer. It sounds simple and I know it’s not. Trust me. I have endured suffering like you. But there is a key to Pandora’s box and that is for you to unlock and unfold God’s mystery for your existence. It is right in front of all of us but it takes work. It’s not easy. Listen, abundant life is not given to anyone. Abundant anything takes a soul mission to figure out. It’s putting one foot in front of the other and working it out. The definition of endure is to patiently wait in suffering. That my loves is what God calls you to do. He calls you to patiently walk the road of suffering and stand in the as is of life. I think what matters in life is the fight and the ability to see the good in the ugliness. When I write this next line please know I am writing to myself. Please stop avoiding pain and pretend you’re not living in fear. Embrace the fight. Acknowledge the experience and know that it’s all a part of the plan…the good, the bad and the ugly. I will leave you with this. Have you ever messed up? I mean like royally messed up? I’m talking like it affects everyone kind of messed up? Well, I have and it’s the worst pain of my life. Hurting the ones you love the most is excruciating. In those cowardly moments you’re not a warrior at all you’re the polar opposite. You let others and yourself down and you cause turmoil beyond repair. Now, let me break this to you gently, you’re not alone. Part of the reason why you did whatever you did is because you were afraid of not being loved and afraid of people leaving you. This is the basis of all tragedy. If you want to get off the midnight train going anywhere, then please do. Kick yourself off, but realize that the answer to your question of how and why is simple…forgiveness to yourself and to others. Embrace the love and forgive, I promise you will be set free. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and fight for yourself and the ones you adore.


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