Snowy jumps ship

White Flag
Dido

I know you think that I shouldn’t still love you
Or tell you that
But if I didn’t say it, well I’d still have felt it
Where’s the sense in that?

I promise I’m not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and
Destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can’t talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of it’s over
Then I’m sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I’m sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I’ll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I’ve moved on

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

Snowy….
I was about 10 when I acquired snowy the duck. You’re probably wondering what does a duck has to do with Dido’s song about never surrendering her love. Stay with me.

Our neighbors bought their girls a few ducks for Easter. I used to live in the country so the closest neighbor was about a 5 minute walk. There was a family I used to visit and cut through my neighbors’ back yard. I was walking back and a sweet little white duck insisted on following me home.

Snowy was all white with an orange beak. She was more like a dog, and we became grand friends — literally fell in love. She followed me everywhere and even came into the house for “swim lessons” in my mother’s bathtub. Our relationship was simple, but it was my escape and I’m thankful for her. She was not a traditional pet, but I have never been a traditional person.

I had her about 2 years when she disappeared. I thought she ran away, but it wasn’t until my late 20’s that I learned the truth about her death. Jilene found her one morning walking to the bus in the drive way ripped to shreds. I suppose mother and Jilene felt it best to keep this truth from me, and I agree. I would have been devastated to know she suffered the way she did.

I preferred the fairytale in my mind that she ran away and found another mother. However, as I write about her, I sobbed from abandonment from this little duck 20 years ago and today. So maybe the truth would have been better even though I understand why they withheld it. I am 43 years old and have the fondest of memories’ of snowy.

When snowy disappeared I searched for days finding only a trail of feathers. I know now Mom and Jill disposed of her body. Visualize a little girl praying and sobbing and begging god to bring back her duck. He did not.

On the third day of the search I found a sassy peach colored cat and named her Tiffany — likely after the singer Tiffany. Remember her??? Even then my life revolved around music…

“Running just as fast as we can trying to get away into the night and then you put your arms around me and we tumble to the ground and then you say. I think were alone now, doesn’t seem to be anyone around.”

Sorry for the rabbit trail. Anyway, Tiffany followed me home. She was a typical cat, a little salty sometimes, nothing like Snowy. Still I am convinced that God sent her to me to ease the pain of losing my pet. In fact, I am certain she was Snowy reincarnated. Sometimes God takes but He always gives gives back tenfold.

I have had more Snowy’s in my life, and when they leave it’s like the sting of a 1,000 bees. I have felt the loss as I am sure you have. I have this horrible beautiful habit of loving people so much that I look past their faults and don’t see the truth of who they are. Eventually they take off their mask and I see but until they do…well…I am sucker.

It’s more like denial. As I age, I have learned the hard way not to whore my love out. When someone leaves you at first you think, what is wrong with me? Why? Doesn’t anyone really see me? It is sad but the more you are left holding your heart it gets easier.

Honestly. You begin to understand that not everyone loves like you do. Remember when you were little and your mom told you if you have one really good friend in your life you’re lucky? I understand now. No one really saw me when I was little. They had their own lives. Jilene is the only person who saw me. Thank you, sister, for loving me.

Or if they did see me, why did they leave? I used to think: Maybe I am not good enough. Maybe I am ordinary and boring and have nothing to offer? I don’t feel that way at all anymore. I see me and so does God and that is all that truly matters. What your Abba father sees. God sees you when no one else can. But that can be scary if you’re hiding behind a mask.

I think this is where you question yourself at first and it takes time to see the truth. People don’t leave you because you’re not enough; people leave you because you’re more than enough. They cannot handle it, and you scare them. It’s like they can’t figure out how to love themselves and others so they abandon ship.

I love the Dido song called White Flag. I will go down with this ship. I did not always go down with the ship though. In fact, I have abandoned ship many times and learned how devastating that is for everyone. It’s like going to the ends of the earth for someone and they can’t see you at all. They only see a reflection of themselves. They think they are alone but it’s a lie.

Pretty sure the lie comes from the chatter within that becomes real, and we believe it. My friend Mary taught me question to ask myself and I love it. When a thought comes in you ask, “Truth or trash?” That is how you know when to keep it or throwing away. I lost a friend two years ago. No eviction notice given. Just one day she was gone like snowy. 

It’s taken me two years to really heal. I am ok now because God sent me my friend Laurie. She loves hard and fierce, and the friendship is equal. We are soul sisters. I prayed for God to send me someone who would love like I do. God removed her because I wouldn’t give up on her and I never really will. 

So sometimes not giving up can hurt too. I don’t regret it. I did me. I loved. Thank you. You taught me an extremely powerful lesson and I honor it. I don’t hate you or have ill feelings. I now see the truth. It was not all you. I tried to help you see you were worthy of so much more. I can go to my grave knowing I didn’t jump ship. Someday you will see too. I promise.

I need reminded that it’s ok to get hurt in a relationship. It may be the only way to ever feel. It may be the only way God’s love can penetrate. It doesn’t mean you are a door mat it means you’re a door. Doors allow you to walk thru them to get to the other side. I’m just sorry I did not learn this years ago. Remember life is all about the journey not the destination.

Tell me some of your truths below. I would love to hear from you.

2 thoughts on “Snowy jumps ship”

  1. I think the best part of you is the ability to see past the faults. What an amazing quality. I think your new wisdom is the “letting go” when someone jumps ship. That takes a warrior’s strength, which you also possess. I love you, Mel! To all of us who are lucky enough to call you friend, you are a treasure.

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