I Hope You Dance

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you’ll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin’ might mean takin’ chances, but they’re worth takin’
Lovin’ might be a mistake, but it’s worth makin’
Don’t let some Hellbent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to sellin’ out, reconsider.

Julian and I danced to this song August 27,2005. As I researched this article image I came across this song in which we hold dear to our hearts. I must say above and beyond anything that I have ever experienced, it was Julian’s life period that God used to bring me to him. Having a child literally saved my life. I love you to the moon and back times infinity Julian.
beautiful, beautiful, beautiful boy
I dedicate this song to you and this specific blog to Leslie and Sylvia

As you get older, you think back to your younger years. Sometimes the memories are
awesome, other times heartbreaking. Last week I thought about an old friend from
Florida who probably has no idea how she impacted my life.
Everywhere I went, I kept running into this little Italian girl. Now, this was south Florida
in the early 90’s and running into people is not the norm. As a stay at home mama,
Julian and I frequently visited parks and malls—or anywhere I could entertain him with
visual and social stimuli. Far from my family, we didn’t have a lot to keep us busy. And,
oh yes, I was 24.
Back to the point. I meet Leslie. Both chatty extroverts, we became fast friends. We had
a ton in common, but most obviously were that we both stayed home with our little ones
and we were married to chefs. Did I mention she was a feeder? Read the last blog if
you’re confused. We started a moms’ group and began recruiting moms anywhere we
went. By time the group ended we had close to 20 moms and babies show up every
week.
For me this translated into having some wine with some girls while the kids played–a
small reprieve from motherhood. We became very close over the next 16 months. She
became pregnant again, and when the time came closer to delivery we started talking
about who was going to watch autumn. I offered and at first she accepted. About a
week prior to new baby’s arrival Leslie and her husband changed their minds. They
proposed the idea that I go with Leslie and he would stay with autumn.
It may sound a little different but they felt comfortable with the idea. Autumn was shy
and had never been away from her parents. Regardless, this was an honor and
privilege I was thrilled to accept.
My birth experience with Julian included an emergency C-section and I felt robbed of
giving birth the way the good Lord intended. I had multiple medical interventions that I
am convinced cause my baby’s heart rate to drop. Obviously the outcome is what
matters and he was born perfect.
Sorry about all the rabbit trails today. So……I became the official unofficial doula. If
you’re wondering, doula is Greek word for with woman, and they support mom and dad
during labor. February 10, 1998, arrived and honestly the details are a little foggy.
Leslie, when you read this please comment below. The readers would love to hear your
version.
Ok rabbit trail. I’m sorry to report that in the 24 years on the earth at that point I had
abandoned the lord. I did not really believe the bible and thought if Jesus really existed
he was just a nice carpenter. I cringe writing that. I have many reasons abandoning my
faith, but I am not at liberty to share the truth as it may hurt people. Let’s just say I made

a choice not to be like some people I knew and I was positive this was the way to do it.
Fast forward.
Sylvia’s birth was magnificent. Leslie labored beautifully, and I was beyond impressed
with her skills to handle the pain and push like a champ. She cracked some jokes, and
when I asked her if she was really hurting she about stabbed me. She was beautiful and
smiling in between. God had a plan for me, and He used Leslie and Sylvia to help me
see the truth that I so fiercely buried.
When the doctor arrived, I took a back burner to his crew coaching her from her side
and holding her right leg as she pushed to help. The doctor midway asked if I was her
midwife and I replied “no” and giggled. What he said next changed the direction of my
life at least for the next 4 years. “Well, you should be, you did really good helping her
labor.” This, however, is not what really changed my reality.
At the moment Sylvia’s little head started to crown, I saw the beauty. The beauty in
creation. The masterpiece of God’s affection displayed in birth. It was the most spiritual
moment I’ve ever felt in my life. I say felt because the Holy Spirit was present and I
could feel it.
I had c-sections with my kids so unfortunately this never happened for me but I am not
sure it would have had the same effect. Seeing Sylvia born into this world literally
changed my life and saved me from the separation from God. Thank you, Leslie, for
being obedient to the lord. I honestly could not understand why you wanted me there,
but God knew. He knew seeing Sylvia’s birth would trigger me to recognize that only a
supreme being could orchestrate this all in perfect timing. He knew it would soften my
hardened heart.
Side note: My family are prayer warriors and never stopped praying for my life to get
back on track and to find Jesus. God knew that I would remember it forever and feel the
spirit from that day forward forever. I have had ups and downs real downs since then
like I’m not 100 percent sure God is real. Because if God is real than why do people
suffer like little people, disadvantaged people, weak people, all colors, all races and
religions and all people for nothing more than someone else’s sick pleasure.
But God brought me out and showed me truth. I am so thankful for the truth. If you
wanted to ask everyone close to me what my mantra prayer is they would know. I tell
them all the time. Pray for truth. What is more precious and beautiful to me is God
delivers every time. He shows me truth and here is the most brilliant thing: If you are
stubborn and hard-hearted guess what: He will keep showing you truth until you see it.
Now you can chose to plant it in your heart or reject it. Your choice, but God will keep
showing and trying and never give up on your sorry ass. Yes I just said ass, and if
you’re judging me, guess what I don’t care. God knows my heart. I remember leaving

the hospital the night Sylvia was born, smiling ear to ear and then sobbing down I-95
and crying out, “Lord I’m so sorry for forsaking you. I can’t believe I denied you for all
these years.” My heart was broken and God showed me the truth.
How in the world can birth be spiritual? I have a friend who is a midwife; in fact, she
helped deliver my last two babies. I asked her one time about spirit and birth and she
unequivocally said spirit and birth are partners in the dance of life and creation. She
has experienced moments when only God could have downloaded info about mom and
baby at the most crucial time frame.
God can use anyone or anything to drop the scales from his beloved’s eyes. I want to
encourage you: If you have a loved one who doesn’t know God, NEVER GIVE UP
praying. God hears and will work things out in His perfect timing. If you are reading this
and you are void when it comes to spirit, I ask you to do one thing: Ask God to show
you the truth. He will.
After Sylvia was born I decided to go to school to be a midwife. It was a fantastic
journey, and I met a lot of beautiful women in the process. I am not sad to report after 3
years of college and 2 specific semesters in midwifery program, I dropped out. I was
going through a divorce and realized very quickly that all of the on-call days away from
home would not work. It could have but time away from my child was an enormous
sacrifice. In addition to the parenting concern, I knew I had to move back to Ohio, and
midwifery was not a recognized practice. Although it was neither legal nor illegal, I
would have had to practice underground and anyone who knows me knows I am a
freaking rule follower. That was not an option.
In Florida I would have malpractice insurance and worked under an obgyn; midwifery
was governed by laws and protocol. Ohio didn’t have anything like this so…….I went to
school for hair. While midwifery and hair don’t really go together, I am very logical and
creative at the same time so it worked out. Plus, I could make my own schedule and be
a fairly available mama. A win win!
So God takes us on journeys not destinations, and we have to remember this. It is how
you get there that matters. You can learn valuable life lessons from pumping gas and
over filling your tank to divorce if you only pay attention. God will use anything to show
you the truth. I was young in these years and did not know truth. Instead, I had
manipulated the truth to fit what I needed. Please don’t do this. If you’re experiencing a
hard time, please talk to someone you deem as wise. Let the people who love you
guide you. If you don’t have anyone, find someone!!
Also another thank you to Leslie for allowing me to be at Sylvia’s birth. I regret that we
lost each other along the years but I truly love you and even if we don’t talk all the time,
you’re in my heart forever.

Readers, you’re worth every early morning I write, and I love sharing my heart with
you. Stay positive and never give up. I want to thank my girls who edit this blog: May the
force be with you. Love you both so much.

The Broken Road

August 27, 2005.

When I married Trevor Berry, this was our wedding song. We chose this song because we both had very broken pasts. Almost 12 years later, this song makes even more than it did then.

Today, tomorrow, forever.

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through

I couldn’t see how every sign pointed straight to you
That every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
Yes it did

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I’d like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You’ve been there you understand
It’s all part of a grander plan that is coming true.

I love the moment when God brings life full circle and shows you truth.

I feel like we spend a lot of time in the past, which isn’t always negative. However, when you dwell in the past and won’t let go….well….that is a problem. Are you saying “yeah, but”? Do you feel like you have a really good reason for living in the past? Maybe it’s comfortable. I get it. it’s hard to forgive and move on. It hurts like heck. But guess what? Holding on to past hurts won’t protect you from future hurts.

Guys, I’m stuck here myself but I’m wrestling my way out because I don’t want to be planted in infertile soil anymore. But it seems like even as I’m trying to move forward … to let go of the pain … somehow I get sucked into a black hole.

Here’s what Peter says in Philippians 3:13 “Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead.” Well, there you have it. Looking behind? Living in the past? It’s all a trick of your mind! Remember readers: The enemy attacks through your thoughts so if he can keep you distracted with your past hurts, then you will NEVER live in present happiness. Your life will rot away while you chase the ghost of the past.

Set your mind on the good of your life and stop focusing on the bad and the pain. We all have pain, but the ones who look forward, press on and forgive are set free.

There have been times when I have felt unloved and unwanted and because of lies I believed. Because of this I did some very foolish things. Please hear me: Even when you think no one loves or loved you, God does, and He is there protecting you from the enemy’s lies and manipulation…and from yourself, your own worst enemy.

Dear friends, bust the ghost of the past off and live in the present. Be conscious in present moment because it’s the only truth that exists.

Are there really mistakes in life? Really? If you live in the present then no mistakes can exist. They can’t. Every broken road leads us straight to freedom. If I would not have made all the “mistakes” in my life I would not be me. I earned wisdom through life experiences not a self-help book. I’ve grieved people, situations and lived through death.

How have your “mistakes” set you free? Take a moment to think about it. Maybe even write them down on a piece of paper and bury them in the spring. But bury them for good. Don’t dig them back up and relive the pain.

You are a warrior.

Let go and live in the present.

WHY?

Because the majority of all disease comes from dis- ease.

Because God didn’t bring you out of slavery to leave you entrapped.

Because living in past hurts ages you.

Because it’s exhausting being bitter rather than better.

Because God asks you to forgive so you can be forgiven.

Because the past is over and holds no power over you unless you give it power.

so those are just a few of the why’s and now here are a few of the how’s.

How do I live in present and let go of past?

Pray.

Ask God to show you truth and remove the obsession to hurt yourself over and over and over again.

In her books, Dr. Christiane Northrup discusses studies proving that guilt and shame produce a chemical called ILC. Science is now studying the adverse effects this chemical–these emotions—has in the fascia of our bodies. Your body records your emotional pain, and you live it out in a physical manifestation.

One way to get rid of the stored up emotions is yoga. Personally, when I push myself in exercise I always cry and never understood. Here is the answer: ILC gets released when you stretch the muscles. Northrup also says children who are abused take on their perpetrator’s shame because the perp has no conscious. Dr.Shefali teaches that as children we come here perfect and it’s the adults who mess us up. Bam there it is.

Do yoga. Meditate. Prayer and meditation are God’s plan for successful living. According to the Bible, if we can pray and petition and then shut up and listen, God will show us everything He wants us to do and more.

Do you have children? Do you want to give them everything to help them build beautiful lives? Matthew 7:11 “So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him.”

He wants to see you prosper. Deuteronomy 28:13 “If you listen to these commands of the LORD your God that I am giving you today, and if you carefully obey them, the LORD will make you the head and not the tail, and you will always be on top and never at the bottom.”

John 10:10 The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life”

I would really love to hear back from you.

Comment below

Start living your conscious adventure.

Looking For Love


Looking for love in all wrong places
Looking for love in too many faces Searching their eyes,
looking for traces Of what I’m dreaming of
Hoping to find a friend and a lover
I’ll bless the day I discover Another heart looking for love

Do you remember that song? Johnny Lee wrote that gem. I don’t know exactly why I love music so much, but I do. I have not heard that song in 20 years and yesterday it popped in my head and I can’t stop running the lyrics through the maze of my consciousness. I will always remember being a little girl and splashing water on my face to make myself look sweaty. I would wrap a red bandanna around my head and play the guitar to the radio in secret. I came from a religious home and growing up in the 80’s I was not permitted to listen to “devil music”. Of course, Hot FM 101 was the station of choice and I listened anyway. I think that was my earliest memory of wanting to be someone else, a rock star. I craved the attention and the reward of being so admired by others for my talent. The unfortunate truth is that I was not admired by anyone and I knew it. Actually I still know it. Why do we want the people in our lives to love and adore us? I can’t speak for you, but for me, it is about love. Through the years I looked for love in all the wrong places. I knew the sting of rejection but I still went after them, hoping and wanting to be someone’s precious whatever, like a stupid Disney princess. I wanted to be loved and adored. It’s all a lie. It doesn’t really exist. Why should it really? We are all human and we all fall short. Maybe you have a pedestal you sit on, but trust me I don’t. I am about as real as they come. I am 43 and I’m not apologizing for not being who you want me to be. I am me and I accept me. It has come at a cost, but I am brave enough to own it. Like Brene Brown says “I am not perfect but I am worth love and belonging”. Yup, that is me. Look how chubby I am. Look at my wrinkles. I hate these bags under my eyes. Why am I so swollen and why do I have these dark circles? I’m short. Oh my gosh! I’m so tired of the voices!! Lol No, but seriously the voices in your head that tell you you’re a loser. I’m so sick of her. I just want to love and be loved and this darn standard I have created for myself. I am so tired, literally exhausted trying to be pretty. What happens when the music fades?? what happens when your beauty leaves you? Who are you then? What are you basing your worth on in life? What is left??? YOUR BEAUTIFUL SOUL is what is left!!!!WHY CAN WE NOT SEE THIS? Where does this come from? The never good enough saga continues. I want to dedicate this blog to all my girls who are good enough but refuse to believe it and this Includes myself. You have the girls who own their appearance no matter what the size and look and don’t give a crap. Then you have the girls who act like they don’t care but desperately do and are miserable trying to figure it out. Then you have the girls who are obviously so insecure and don’t even try and hide it. Sweet girl, whoever you are, you are loved. God created you and has a specific plan for your life. Big, small, skinny, and yes fat. Wrinkled, smooth, tight, or stretched to hell. It doesn’t matter. The real fact is the moment you take your last breath your shell is just going to begin to rot. I know it’s a terrible thought. This ridiculous body is not you. You are not your skin. Your soul lives on and that’s what counts.Let me ask you this. How much time do you spend doing soul work? The average woman spends 55 minutes a day getting ready. That’s 19,360 minutes a year! That is 322 hours a year getting ready. Oh my gosh, are you serious? How much time do you spend getting your soul ready? I googled that and I’m sorry but there is not an answer. No one even cares enough to do a study on FOREVER.
We have this so wrong. Three hundred twenty two hours a year on superficial bull and what, maybe 5 min a week thinking about soul choices and lifestyles? I am not exempt from this, but please all of us need to see the truth and be set free from ourselves and the bondage we put on ourselves. I mean I do hair for a living. I spend 30 hours a week making people feel like they look good or are at least happy tricking themselves into feeling that this stupid, dead protein coming out of their skull matters. It does matter. I know. I just want the soul to matter more.
Question of the day? What are your hiding behind? What are you tricking yourself into believing? Have you fallen off your own pedestal? Comment below and we will walk through this together. Follow me on Facebook, WordPress, Twitter, or Tumbler at The Conscious Adventure.